Headline Acts: Episode 3 (World Cup Special)

The World Cup has made the sports pages for many reasons over the past few weeks, one of those being that there is actually nothing else of note going on right now. However, goalline technology, the fitness of Fernando Torres and the ball (is it lighter? does it move in the air? is it actually a ball and not a sphere from space?) have been among the footballing reasons for the world being gripped by Football Fever. The following headlines aren't strictly true. At all. But life would be so much more fun if they were. Beware - this article contains lazy racial stereotyping and a refusal to move on from a nation or an individual's past.

Maradona the Motivator - some said he would never be able to handle a star-studded international football team in the same way that he handled footballs circa 1986. But, actually, the strategies that Diego Maradona has employed for his exciting Argentina side have been surprisingly effective. Well, surprising no more. In an exclusive interview with star player Jonas Guttierez, we can reveal what has got this team clicking and showing such passion. A World Cup win gets them an invite to Maradona's next Cheese, Wine and Crack Cocaine Sampling Night. Apparently cheese is hard to come by in Buenos Aires. He has also been slipping magic mushrooms into the pasta of those who perform well. Why do you think they all kiss him when substituted?

French Revolution Uncovered - where did it all go wrong for the French? Beyond the Cliche has the answer. It was not the case that the players disliked lunatic Raymond Domenech or that they were showing support to Nicolas Anelka by playing shit. No. They protested at their lunch break between training sessions being reduced from three hours to two. Quelle horreur. The FFF also told them to curb their rampant lovemaking while in South Africa. Anelka left of his own volition when realising he would be unable to see Claude for the duration of the tournament. The brothers shared a loving embrace on his return to Charles de Gaulle.

CAF sign new sponsorship deal - in order to further boost funding for grassroots level football in Africa, the federation have signed a lucrative deal with Teflon, following on from the flaky performances from several of their goalkeepers. The campaign is to be fronted by Vincent Enyeama, after CAF's preferred choice Robert Green was made unavailable by his employers. The FA regarded this as an insult but couldn't be sure whether it had crossed the line.

Vuvuzela legacy asssured - with several of the stadiums likely to be severely underused after the tournament, you can forgive the South African authorities for thinking that the World Cup will leave one giant white elephant in the country. Not so in the case of the millions of vuvuzelas sold, thanks to an innovation by Dr Hans Bekker. The collapsible vuvuzela is designed to fit into a lady's handbag, so that she can quickly alert the police if she is a victim of a crime, such as a mugging or a rape (not useful if the handbag containing the collapsible vuvuzela is taken, but the idea is very much still a prototype). It is estimated that the average Friday night in certain areas of Johannesburg will produce a noise twice as loud as that in Soccer City for the opening game.

Meanwhile at Wimbledon...

Federer unveils new image - Roger Federer stepped out onto Centre Court today to face Tomas Berdych in his new attire after a hard-fought battle with the LTA over his new jacket made specially during the World Cup. Federer said he "didn't want to wear the white anymore because it reminds me of the England football team and therefore defeat". The new bright yellow and blue jacket inscenced the authorities but they relented, conceding that Federer "had a point". The argument was clearly on his mind as Berdych promptly beat him.

Now a really funny story that is unlikely but true...

Nigeria withdrawn from international competition - the Nigerian president Goodluck Jonathan (which has to be THE greatest name in the world) has said that his nation's team will not play again until 2012 because their system needs restructuring after a poor World Cup. He makes Kim-Jong Il look like Moses.

Get involved, any ideas welcome. Please, we're desperate now.
RM