Coach: Bert Van Marwijk. The last man to coach a Dutch club team to a European title, the UEFA Cup with Feyenoord in 2002. Guided the Dutch through their strongest qualification yet, accumulating the best record in Europe, dancing on the Hampden sidelines and subsequently making me a rather unhappy Tartan Army chappie. Dick
Team: 4-5-1 is the name of the game with the Dutch, and they will stick to to unwaveringly, much as they did at Euro 2008 and World Cup 2006 and Euro 2004.
The Dutch won none of these tournaments. They did not even come particularly close to winning these tournaments (they basically got as close as England did. When England were actually there as well). For a team that is perennially billed as a favourite, it's not exactly a vote of confidence in their big game ability to constantly find themselves out of tournaments by the end of the quarterfinals.
I don't think this will change in South Africa. I could well be wrong, but of all the teams in this competition that could be billed as genuine contendors for the Rimet trophy, it is the Netherlands that I trust the least, and by a considerably margin. It is not just rehashing old stereotypes about not being 'tournament performers' if there is actually a reasonably large recent evidence base to back the claim up
Holland will play one man alone up front to facilitate the use of a playmaking 10 and two proper wingers. The lone striker, sadly, will be either Dirk 'The Tryer' Kuyt or Robin Van Persieee-awww-I-broke-my-foot. If Robin has decided to read this preview, chances are he has broken his eyeballs by this stage and thus cannot read my disparaging comments about him. Ha.
My point in that last paragraph, badly illustrated, is that the Dutch currently do not have a Van Nistelrooy, a proper striker who can actually combine scoring with being physical and running about without dying (ironically, Van Nistelrooy was useless for Holland). Huntelaar? No.
Arjen Robben and Wesley Sneijder were both sensational this season, and are going to prove bloody murderous to the other group members' defences. But when the hard games come, will they just be neutralised like Robben was in the Champions League final? The Russians managed it at Euro 2008 after all.
Those are the issues I have with the Dutch attack, but the obvious flip side is that Holland are generally flowing and direct, and have scored heaps of goals in qualifying. And in spite of the doubts, the players I've mentioned are genuinely world class talents (OK, maybe not Kuyt).
But that just adds to the way I feel about this team. If you can look at such brilliant talents in attack and still have your doubts, then either there is something wrong with you or there is actually something to be concerned about. I may be proved wrong about this, I admit that, but at least I have the balls to just come out and say "I don't trust the Dutch. I am ruling them out as contendors", instead of just coming out with some wishy-washy vanilla opinion.
As for their defence, again, I have pretty big doubts as to how reliable Holland's good record actually is. The back four is not very good. Heitinga, Van Der Wiel; would you call them worthy of World Cup winners? And Van Bronckhorst was cut to shreds by Stevie Naismith for crying out loud!
Prediction: Out in the quarterfinals.
How to insult a Dutchman: Buy loads of his tulips, then decide to stop liking tulips anymore and cause his economy to collapse and everyone to starve. Be German. Abhor prostitution and drug misuse. Call his daughter a Dyke (haw haw haw).
If they were a medical condition: Jaundice could produce the desired orange colouration. As could getting cancer from a sunbed. Fluid imbalance; leave the bath running too long and the entire country could flood.
Denmark
Coach: Morten Olsen. Long time coach (since 2000) and quite frankly a bit of a lad. Has got a good handle on his current players, and has maximised their performances in qualifying. Danish fans love him. Expect cool banners of his face superimposed onto the torso of a Viking.
Team: Denmark's squad will be recognisable to anyone who has watched international football since about 2002. A lot of the faces around then are still hanging on. Sadly not on the scene is Ebbe Sand. Not because he was vital to the team, or any other important reason. Just because he had a cool and amusing name. I liked Ebbe Sand.
Thankfully not around is the ugly mug of ex-Real Madrid supremo Thomas Gravesen. Yes, once again to reitirate, that did actually happen dear readers. You did not go temporarily schitzo that day. Usefully for Denmark, they have a few midfielders able to carry on Gravesen's legacy of clogging and persistent fouling. Christian Poulsen and his face is still around, though sadly Francisco Totti's spit is no longer around to decorate it.
Daniel Jensen is a slightly higher breed of midfielder, and has at least played some this season with Werder Bremen (Poulsen has flopped miserably at Juve). Kwist of Copenhagen should complete the triumvirate in midfield.
Still around up front are the Premiership legends Dennis Rommedahl and Jesper Gronkjaer. See, told you that you'd recognise them. Rommedahl, by general consensus one of the top wing men Charlton Athletic has seen in the past 5 years bar Darren Ambrose and Radostin Kishishev, still starting at international level is quite frankly farce. And Gronjkaer isn't much better. Younger and more talented option Thomas Kahlenberg has had what can only be described as a complete skitemare of a season. In other words, he is in no state to be relied on in the Rainbow Nation.
Niklas Bendtner as the target man is young at least, and has had a decent season. He remains though, an annoying petulent prick. The reserve option here comes from the shattered husk of what used to be John Dal Tomasson. Just let him go to sleep in peace Denmark. He's world weary.
Simon Kjaer and Daniel Agger at centre back are both, again, young. They are also athletic and talented, providing Denmark with a good defensive spine. Kjaer will be picked up by someone big after the tournament provided he doesn't fall on his arse too much or start a fight with Eric Djemba-Djemba. I would suggest that he fits Juventus well, or Roma if everyone else is scaffy and doesn't bother signing him.
Thomas Sorensen, or the Danish Mark Schwarzer as I think of him, is a good keeper recovering from a pretty bad injury. Hopefully he's good to go, and if so is another strength to complement the centreback pairing.
Prediction: Will the Dane's be able to cope with Cameroon? Partly this rests on Cameroon not degenerating into a farcical rioting mob, which is actually quite likely, but mainly it is dependent on Denmark's midfield being able to keep up with younger legs, and their wingers being able to relive their form of the past...
Um, I'm going to side with Cameroon on this one. Third in the group.
How to insult a Dane: State that you always preferred Mecano. Be Jewish or Muslim and therefore don't consume the only two things Denmark actually exports; bacon and beer. Call them Norwegian. Call them Swedish. Piss on the Mermaid Statue in Copenhagen. State that Einstein was clearly superior to Bohr.
Japan
Coach: Takeshi Okada. Japan have gone back to a domestic coach after their dalliances with foreigners Zico and Ivica Osim. Has taken Japan back to a system of rigidity, with a clear plan, instead of Zico’s ultimately futile attempts to force the Japanese to play with creativity. Could be mistaken for George Takei from a distance.
Team: Japan will suffer again from the problem that has plagued them throughout their international history; they field a team that is likely to be physically inferior to their opponents, and the technical brilliance they rely on to compensate turns out to be pretty mediocre stuff, only really fit for the J-League.
The hulking Danes and Cameroonians will certainly be able to outmuscle the Japanese. To be honest, this isn’t that likely to affect them that much as they have grown to expect it by now. Sadly, their flair players, the ones that will be crucial in overcoming the physical disparity, are hardly in the best of shape.
Previous stalwarts Shinsuke Nakamura and Junichi Inamoto have been worn down by Scottish studs and English shoulder charges throughout their careers and are now pretty frail. It is unlikely that they will be able to rise above the bullying and intimidation of opposing defenders and create chances.
Credit to Japan, they have worked hard to find new goal-getting talents, an area they were sorely deficient in at previous competitions. A new breed of Japanese front man is developing, characterised by Shinji Okazaki, so proficient in the J-League, and Takayuki Morimoto, whose development in Serie A has taken even myself by surprise (I was high on him from the start at Catania). He seems destinded to become a Nakata-esque figure in Italy.
Keisuke Honda is another impressive talent. Plying his trade with CSKA Moscow, the winger or attacking midfielder has strength and good touch. He will probably be the most dangerous Japanese player at the tournament.
A creaking defence that was run into the ground by England last week bodes ill. The two own goals in that game confirmed that the Japanese defence is still as error-prone as it was at times even in 2002, and they have aged quite obviously into the bargain. In spite of his ability to find his own net, Tulio Tanaka is a good centreback and should do well.
All in all, the signs are not encouraging for Japan. The team is still unsure as to whether it his a free-flowing attacking power or a well-marshalled defensive side. When all is said and done, they will probably have succeeded at neither.
Prediction: Absolutely zero chance in hell.
How to insult a Japanese person: Tell them that 100 hours a week is, in fact, not even remotely near to the average working week in normal countries and is a prospect even a junior doctor would balk at. Remark that your house is bigger than a cupboard. Use a mobile in a public place. Complain that the train is late. Disparage their ancestors' glorious memories. Shout 'Kamikaze' loudly when going for a tackle in a casual kickabout. Punch a hole through their (paper) wall.
Cameroon
Coach: Paul Le Guen. Replaced the manificent, heroic, noble figure of Otto Pfister, that cigar-smoking, unbuttoned-shirt-wearing septagenarian lord of African football. Beyond the Cliché mourns your demise. Admittedly, Pfister did a god awful job during the qualifying campaign, and if it wasn’t for Le Guen Cameroon almost certainly wouldn’t be here. Forever more the butt of jokes from half the Old Firm, I still maintain that he got a raw deal at Rangers and got sacked, essentially, because he didn’t see the inherent merit of playing 38 year old Alex Rae and his pathetic ilk instead of decent young continental players like Clement. Plus, I have met his daughter and she is very nice and rather attractive.
Team: Cameroonians are rightly proud of their record at World Cup finals, and this current team should hopefully add to the nation’s list of achievements.
Essentially, this Cameroon side consists of the best young players from four years ago, who have now matured significantly, plus an infusion of sprightly, France-born talent. Oh, and Eto’o. Of course.
All this hullabaloo about Eto’o being sufficiently insulted by Roger Milla’s comments as to pull out of the squad all together should be taken with a rather large grain of South Saharan salt. Eto’o is too passionate about representing his nation to leave them in the lurch, and good for him. Whatever Milla insinuated about lack of effort is just plain wrong and out of line in my book.
Eto’o is Cameroon’s shining light, a mercurial talent. Africa certainly has a phenomenal ability to produce national talisman frontmen; Eto’o, Drogba, Adebayor, Diouf(?). If you’re going to have one world class player in your squad, might as well make it an out and out goalscorer eh?
Cameroon’s back four has been solidified by the addition of Sebastien Bassong and Benoit Assou-Ekotto of Spurs. Sorry, Champions League Spurs. Stephen M’Bia can play centreback or holding midfield, but will be deployed at right back to allow Nicolas Nkoulou to fill the other centrehalf spot. He can be praised as the young man that finally ousted Rigobert Song from the national side. The back four is fast and strong in the air and the tackle. Prone to the odd mistake certainly, but in my opinion of a pretty high standard.
Midfield will be Alex Song and either Jean Makoun or Eyong Enoh of Ajax (tongue twister. Say it 5 times fast with marbles in your mouth). All are quick around the park, sharp in the tackle and generally reliable. Song in particular blossomed at Arsenal this season and should reap the benefits at international level (blossom like a Song bird, you might say. If you were a bit weird). Joel Matip is another youngster, playing with Schalke, who may see playing time.
Flanking them are Achile Emana of Toulouse and Kaiserslautern's Georges Mandjeck, both competent although not out and out wingers. Eto'o's strike partner will likely be Webo. Decent enough bloke, not much else to say about him really.
Prediction: Outlast the Dane's, outclass the Japanese, get outplayed in the knockout stages. At least will take the African quotient in my admittedly quite optimistic/fanciful predictions up by one. What can I say, the World Cup in Africa, a continent inspired. I'm a romantic and I've falled for it all. Oh the World Cup is glorious!
How to insult a Cameroonian: Insult Samuel Eto'o (Nice one Roger Milla). Insult Roger Milla (nice one Eto'o). Remark on how crap a nickname the 'Indomitable Lions' is. Much like Ghana, ask when the next coup d'etat is. Get Cameroon confused with the 40 other African nations whose national flags and colours are basically just the same but in different orders (Senegal is particularly similar. Remember; green, red and yellow NOT Green yellow and red. Wait, actually...).
GM
No comments:
Post a Comment