Coach: Joachim Low. Did he do all the work only for Klinsmann to claim the credit, or did he ride piggyback on Klinsmann's coat-tails? Um yeah, the first one. He did all the work, and has proven himself to be a worthy international manager. His temprament seems to suit the international arena.
A member of that small group of people who started as an assistant manager and subsequently have succeeded in the top job. Much like Sammie Lee did at Bolton. And Queiroz did at Madrid.
Team: German efficiency, German grit, German steel, the Blitzkrieg, the Atlantic Wall, the EU's Kaiser, the Fuhrer, the Iron Chancellor. If the Germans were a boxer they would be spoilt for nicknames. This has also dispensed almost all of the racial stereotypes I can currently think of
(I could probably have thought of more, but I have been distracted by my flatmate losing 2-1 to Rangers with Barcelona at the Nou Camp on FIFA. Bad Lad)
Perennial successes at major tournaments, the Germans have found a tactical variety rarely seen in previous Germany sides, or on the Russian front at any point after Kursk. They run a 4-2-3-1, which has the potential to be altered on the fly mid-game. What's more, the players have now had over 3 years to shake off their in-built German-ness, which previously left them short of ideas when the first gameplan failed. See the 2002 final.
Germany do have an irritating habit of calling up swathes of young players, giving them a few games and promptly calling up some even younger players in their place. This is how Marcell Jansen, Clemens Fritz, Simon Rolfes and others have, sadly, faded away like the poppies in the field at the end of Blackadder Goes Forth. The new youngsters aren't half bad though. Champions League finalist Thomas Muller of Bayern, Jerome Boateng and Mesut Ozil will all have a chance to cement their places.
Why Lukas Podolski is slated to start I have no idea. Surely Low recognises that, since his 'breakout' in the 2006 competition, he has stuttered, stagnated and failed. He sort of reminds me of Antonio Cassano. Less attitude and shagging, more petulence and laziness. A more boring Cassano. A German Antonio Cassano.
Podolski and Miroslav Klose, still the projected starter due to Mario Gomez's mare of a season, are just some of the things the Germans have nicked off of Poland. And I don't recall the Germans ever giving anything back in return. Or at least anything that wasn't a war crime.
The defence will be typical of a post-2002 German defence: fast, playing high up the park, and open to being exposed at least once a match. Other than that though, it is solid and good enough to beat teams that aren't Spain.
I worry slightly about their attacking prowess, but I worried about that last World Cup and they turned out to be pretty good, and are in better shape now than they were back then. I worry about Michael Ballack's injury. But then again, I have seen Michael Ballack play recently. Sami Khedira is Coach Low's designated BAllack replacement, and should cope reasonably well.
Prediction: The "trying to play it safe in the office prediction competition" man's choice. A good performance is as inevitable as defeat at Stalingrad was. Last war pun there. Losing finalist.
If they were a medical condition: Lung cancer. Can be methodically documented and classified (they love all that, they do). Advances methodically and with irresistable force. Like a Tiger tank in Medal of Honour.
Disclaimer: I am not a filthy racist, I just find it incredibly easy to make racist jokes. In actuality, I am a fan of Germany as a nation. It's contributions to science, music and philosophy have been outstanding, it's economy is a role model for export-centred nations everywhere, and it produces good beer and England defeats. Even German cinema is good (no, not the pornography). Watch The Lives Of Others. Great film.
Australia
Coach: Pim Verbeek. Guus Hiddink-lite. Probably more Guus Hiddink-Zero actually. He has furthered Guus's efforts to curb the Socceroo's attacking temprament, and on the whole seems to be in touch with the strengths of his team.
Team: It doesn't matter what I write here because all Australians are permanently drunk out of their skulls and consequently will not be able to read this.
Get the joke there? Yep, it's obvious really. There is no way Australians could have learnt to read in the first place. Bloody convicts.
And with that I am putting a cap on the cheap racial jokes for a while. Lets get back to the sporting stuff shall we? It really is too easy to come up with racist jokes, and I would imagine you don't read this blog to get inspiration on how to do it.
(N.B. From now on I think I'll just post a section entitled 'How to insult X' in each preview and get it all out of the way. )
So, Australia go to the World Cup as an official member of Asia for the first time. Qualifying was thus a little more difficult than the trips to Vanuatu and Tonga they were used to, but they did a good job of it nonetheless.
The 2006 World Cup demonstrated that Australia could overcome their lack of skilled players by using discipline and playing safety-first football, ending their usual style of random over-enthusiastic attacking. Sadly, they could not overcome the affects of gravity on Fabio Grosso's body, and were out of the knockout stages as soon as they got in.
Can they do one better? Can they at least get as far as last time? Well, it all depends on whether they remain as well-drilled as the Hiddink version of 2006.
Because in terms of players, this side is practically identical to the one that played in Germany. It is rarely the case that players perform better when they are four years older. It is also rarely the case that Craig Moore and Harry Kewell perform at all. And yet, both are crucial to Australia's campaign. The lack of centrehalfs produced over the past 6 or 7 years has been staggering, particularly when compared to the number of big overly-physical lumps Australia has produced in every other sport.
Kewell remains the most naturally gifted Aussie attacker of his generation, but on balance it is Tim Cahill who will be most important to the Socceroo goal threat. His injury problems over this season are hardly ideal. Hopefully he and his spring-loaded boots are rearing to go. There really isn't anyone else who can effectively occupy Cahill's pivot role up front save perhaps Jason Culina, who is slower, less incisive and generally just not as good.
All your other 2006 favourites are still around. Emerton and Bresciano have had poor years, Scott Chippefield is old and Vince Grella may not even be alive anymore. Lucas Neill has had a little run of form in Turkey and good for him. I always quite liked him as a player, and he turned down Liverpool's 'alluring' tradition for wads of cash at West Ham. Good lad.
4-2-3-1 is guaranteed to be the formation. If Verbeek is smart he will utilise Luke Wilkshire as one of the midfield two; he has been good for Twente and Dynamo Moscow (don't ask me to explain he he got from Bristol City to there though). Brett Holman has been decent in Holland as well and could do a job.
Prediction: As I said, it is rare that teams get better after 4 years, and I think the Aussie's will be unable to beat out both the more skilled opponents in Serbia and more youthful ones in Ghana, which is what they will likely need to do to progress. Out in the group stages.
How to insult an Australian: The Ashes. The Rugby League World Cup Final, or indeed anything New Zealand are better at. Insult Fosters. Calling them a convict. Punching Kylie Minogue.
If they were a medical condition: Osteoarthritis. When you reach a certain age, things just aren't going to get any better. They probably won't get much worse mind, but resign yourself to a life of slow movement.
Serbia
Team: It doesn't matter what I write here because all Australians are permanently drunk out of their skulls and consequently will not be able to read this.
Get the joke there? Yep, it's obvious really. There is no way Australians could have learnt to read in the first place. Bloody convicts.
And with that I am putting a cap on the cheap racial jokes for a while. Lets get back to the sporting stuff shall we? It really is too easy to come up with racist jokes, and I would imagine you don't read this blog to get inspiration on how to do it.
(N.B. From now on I think I'll just post a section entitled 'How to insult X' in each preview and get it all out of the way. )
So, Australia go to the World Cup as an official member of Asia for the first time. Qualifying was thus a little more difficult than the trips to Vanuatu and Tonga they were used to, but they did a good job of it nonetheless.
The 2006 World Cup demonstrated that Australia could overcome their lack of skilled players by using discipline and playing safety-first football, ending their usual style of random over-enthusiastic attacking. Sadly, they could not overcome the affects of gravity on Fabio Grosso's body, and were out of the knockout stages as soon as they got in.
Can they do one better? Can they at least get as far as last time? Well, it all depends on whether they remain as well-drilled as the Hiddink version of 2006.
Because in terms of players, this side is practically identical to the one that played in Germany. It is rarely the case that players perform better when they are four years older. It is also rarely the case that Craig Moore and Harry Kewell perform at all. And yet, both are crucial to Australia's campaign. The lack of centrehalfs produced over the past 6 or 7 years has been staggering, particularly when compared to the number of big overly-physical lumps Australia has produced in every other sport.
Kewell remains the most naturally gifted Aussie attacker of his generation, but on balance it is Tim Cahill who will be most important to the Socceroo goal threat. His injury problems over this season are hardly ideal. Hopefully he and his spring-loaded boots are rearing to go. There really isn't anyone else who can effectively occupy Cahill's pivot role up front save perhaps Jason Culina, who is slower, less incisive and generally just not as good.
All your other 2006 favourites are still around. Emerton and Bresciano have had poor years, Scott Chippefield is old and Vince Grella may not even be alive anymore. Lucas Neill has had a little run of form in Turkey and good for him. I always quite liked him as a player, and he turned down Liverpool's 'alluring' tradition for wads of cash at West Ham. Good lad.
4-2-3-1 is guaranteed to be the formation. If Verbeek is smart he will utilise Luke Wilkshire as one of the midfield two; he has been good for Twente and Dynamo Moscow (don't ask me to explain he he got from Bristol City to there though). Brett Holman has been decent in Holland as well and could do a job.
Prediction: As I said, it is rare that teams get better after 4 years, and I think the Aussie's will be unable to beat out both the more skilled opponents in Serbia and more youthful ones in Ghana, which is what they will likely need to do to progress. Out in the group stages.
How to insult an Australian: The Ashes. The Rugby League World Cup Final, or indeed anything New Zealand are better at. Insult Fosters. Calling them a convict. Punching Kylie Minogue.
If they were a medical condition: Osteoarthritis. When you reach a certain age, things just aren't going to get any better. They probably won't get much worse mind, but resign yourself to a life of slow movement.
Serbia
Coach: Rade Antic. Experience mainly built up in the Spanish league throughout the 90's. The best quality coach Serbia have had for a while, he has to avoid the problems of previous managers being undermined by wrangling within the Serbian FA and pressure from players' agents with regards bonuses.
Team: The risk here is how much we are willing to trust qualifying results and how much weight past events bring to the table.
Serbia (and Montenegro, still tagging on at the time) qualified easily and impressively for World Cup 2006 and were drawn in the one inevitable Group of Death. The real one mind, not the one that England are always drawn into. Sweden, Paraguay, Trinidad; it's a fix, it's so difficult!
The Netherland ensured Serbia's campaign started on a low, the Argentinean put them to the sword and decimated them, and the Ivory Coast capitalised in the final game. Result, one of the worst records of any team at the competition.
I believe this time will be different. For one thing, Serbia can make a claim to be the most creative team in the group, as opposed to 2006. Jovanovic of Liege, Milos Krasic, standout for CSKA, and European Cup winner and perennial 'why is he still so underrated?' candidate Dejan Stankovic provide the attacking flair, and plenty of it at times. Which is as well, because they aren't going to get much razzle-dazzle from Marko Pantelic, generic Eastern European donkey striker, or Nikola Zigic, generic Eastern European lumbering gigantism and subsequent acromegaly sufferer.
The strength of this team is the back four. Ivanovic has proved he can play right back at the highest level, and for all the criticism levelled at Vidic at various points this season, he remains a potentially dominant centreback, and a patriotic one. He will up his game for Serbia, of that there is no doubt.
Lukovic of Udinese has been solid at centreback, but it has to be noted that he has only truly played as one for this past season. Alexander Kolarov of Lazio is a favourite of mine, a barnstormer at left back with a rocket of a shot. Stereotypical comparisons with John Arne Riise are actually pretty accurate, as we have been able to compare them in the Derby della Capitale this season.
The back four should hopefully keep the heat off Vladimir Stojkovic, generic tall Eastern European useless backup goalkeeper (Marton Fulop got his act from him I suspect), who has been less than convincing in his few outings for Wigan.
Prediction: I think the Serbs will have it in them to beat Australia, and probably Ghana. From there though, they will be in a bit of difficulty as I just can't see where the goals will come from.
How to be insult a Serbian: Ask them why Montenegro has went to join Croatia, Bosnia and the rest of them. Ethnic cleansing jokes. Rip Tito. Say their current Eurovision Song Contest contender is gash. Say how much of a lad Archduke Franz Ferdinand was. Bring a black, Asian, Muslim or Jewish friend along.
If they were a medical condition: Leprosy. Like Yugoslavia, bits fall off.
Ghana
Team: The risk here is how much we are willing to trust qualifying results and how much weight past events bring to the table.
Serbia (and Montenegro, still tagging on at the time) qualified easily and impressively for World Cup 2006 and were drawn in the one inevitable Group of Death. The real one mind, not the one that England are always drawn into. Sweden, Paraguay, Trinidad; it's a fix, it's so difficult!
The Netherland ensured Serbia's campaign started on a low, the Argentinean put them to the sword and decimated them, and the Ivory Coast capitalised in the final game. Result, one of the worst records of any team at the competition.
I believe this time will be different. For one thing, Serbia can make a claim to be the most creative team in the group, as opposed to 2006. Jovanovic of Liege, Milos Krasic, standout for CSKA, and European Cup winner and perennial 'why is he still so underrated?' candidate Dejan Stankovic provide the attacking flair, and plenty of it at times. Which is as well, because they aren't going to get much razzle-dazzle from Marko Pantelic, generic Eastern European donkey striker, or Nikola Zigic, generic Eastern European lumbering gigantism and subsequent acromegaly sufferer.
The strength of this team is the back four. Ivanovic has proved he can play right back at the highest level, and for all the criticism levelled at Vidic at various points this season, he remains a potentially dominant centreback, and a patriotic one. He will up his game for Serbia, of that there is no doubt.
Lukovic of Udinese has been solid at centreback, but it has to be noted that he has only truly played as one for this past season. Alexander Kolarov of Lazio is a favourite of mine, a barnstormer at left back with a rocket of a shot. Stereotypical comparisons with John Arne Riise are actually pretty accurate, as we have been able to compare them in the Derby della Capitale this season.
The back four should hopefully keep the heat off Vladimir Stojkovic, generic tall Eastern European useless backup goalkeeper (Marton Fulop got his act from him I suspect), who has been less than convincing in his few outings for Wigan.
Prediction: I think the Serbs will have it in them to beat Australia, and probably Ghana. From there though, they will be in a bit of difficulty as I just can't see where the goals will come from.
How to be insult a Serbian: Ask them why Montenegro has went to join Croatia, Bosnia and the rest of them. Ethnic cleansing jokes. Rip Tito. Say their current Eurovision Song Contest contender is gash. Say how much of a lad Archduke Franz Ferdinand was. Bring a black, Asian, Muslim or Jewish friend along.
If they were a medical condition: Leprosy. Like Yugoslavia, bits fall off.
Ghana
Coach: Milovan Rajevac. The Serb continues a long tradition of Yugoslavian coaches in the Gold Coast. Tactically capable, and localised having not been fired since he took up the job in 2008, making him the longest serving sub-Saharan coach. Which isn't exactly a vote of confidence when you think about it.
Team: Ghana have brought in some young players since 2006. The spine of the team remains the individuals that took the Black Stars through the group stages in Germany.
The team's beating heart remains Michael Essien. The dynamo is truly world class, and is a player any team would relish. Sadly, like so many great talents (Arjen Robben, Rivaldo, Tore Andre Flo) he possesses the Achilles Heel of being injury prone. His season has been turbulent, his form non-existant. Can he realistically be expected to get back on his high horse and go from 0 to 100 after playing virtually no football in 2010?
I say no. This is not good new for Ghana, as Essien is easily the brightest Black Star of the lot and has no replacement. Midfielders Sulley Ali Muntari and Anthony Annan are good quality players; Annan in particular dominated the Norwegian league with Rosenborg (could get another Flo joke in here if I tried hard. Nah, can't be bothered. Much like him). Kwadwo Asamoah has been a breakout young talent for Udinese and completes a strong if quite uninspired midfield. If Essien struggles with the pace, then problems may arise as Stephen Appiah is the next best option. Before signing up with Bologna in January he hadn't played at club level since 2008.
Asamoah Gyan is fast up front and could be troubling, but lacks a finishers touch, an attribute that neither likely other starter Matthew Amoah nor any other striker in the squad possesses. Much like 2006, Ghana will struggle for goals against the well marshalled defences of their group opponents. And the Ghana midfield has a tendancy to overcrowd certain areas of the pitch, leaving space for opposing attacks and offering little support play to attacking moves.
The back 4 is similar in style and performance to Australia's. John Mensah is the most solid option, and Isaac Vorsah is a good prospect. As a whole the defence is decent but certainly not brilliant. Lacking in pace, they manage fine sitting deeper, but will struggle as games become strung out. Brazil scored 2 of their 3 goals on the counter attack in the last 16 game in 2006.
The Ghanaian's lack any real attacking flair. Their most consistant play derives from midfield, from through balls and surging runs. The fullbacks offer something in attack; Inkoom at right back is a decent runner with the ball, and crosses into the box will come mainly from those two players, with the midfielders alternating to cover the space left by the fullbacks pushing up. The team will thus remain solid, but will rarely have enough numbers forward to create easy opportunities. Ghanaian attacks have a tendency to peter out.
Prediction: I feel that Ghana, without a fully fit Essien, will be edged out of contention. It will be a close run thing, as this group in general seems to be, probably decided by only a couple of goals. The Ghanaian's will, sadly, find those goals as rare as gold. If their defence holds up, they could edge through.
(N.B. Essien has since been ruled out of the World Cup entirely, thus confirming the fears I expressed earlier)
How to insult a Ghanaian: 150 years of slavery, 300 years of colonialism, 20 plus years of us dumping our old computers on Accra beach. Question the age of their under-18 team and tell them Michael Essien is actually 57. Ask when the next coup is.
If they were a medical condition: Scurvy (Toothless)? Or Sickle Cell Anaemia (Anaemic in attack, and an easy joke)?
GM
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