Argentina
Coach: Diego "He put the English Out Out Out" Maradona. Appointed, I can only assume, because somebody put a bet on to find the silliest candidate for the job that would thus scupper their chances of winning the World Cup. Evidently Barry Chuckle, Susan Boyle or the rejected candidates from Over the Rainbow weren't available (Saturdays, BBC1. Highly recommended by the Beyond the Cliche team.
I quite like Sophie.). Either that, or they were rewarding his previous international career. In other news, John Barnes and Trevor Sinclair to take over the England reins. Kleberson says Brazil job is better than Carlisle in the Worthington Cup.
Team: I will struggle with this section, as Argentina have gone through 8 keepers, 33 defenders, 36 midfielders and 20 attackers of varying talent in the past year.
What is certain is that the team to face Nigeria in their opening game will contain some prodigious talents; Messi, Aguero, Milito, Higuain and Tevez could feature up front, Mascherano and Angel Di Maria in midfield.
What is also true is that, thanks to Maradona, the team will almost certainly contain a few idiotic choices. Championship standout Fabricio Coloccini will take a break from the £77,000 a week Newcastle pay him to get skinned by Darren Ambrose and Jay Emmanuel-Thomas, and will take on the world's best. Jonas Gutierrez will probably start. Maradona appreciates his 'running and tackling'. In spite of the fact that he is a winger. And Argentina have some of the best attacking talent the in the world to play. But they choose one who can run and tackle. Against Derby.
Leo Messi. Leo Messi. Leo Messi. Leo Messi. They have Leo Messi, who hasn't really shone at all at international level. Of course, if his teammates pass it around as well as they did in 2006 (remember the decimation of Serbia?) then he could pretty much romp through the weak group.
Defensive options are stronger than they usually have been, mainly because Martin Demichelis and Walter Samuel are both in good form, something that doesn't happen often. Therefore, their individual slip-ups should be less severely punished. As for full backs, well they had better take Javier Zanetti. He deserves it and they'll need him if they run into some decent wingers.
All Argentinean goalkeepers are ropey, and have god-awful technique. And as a keeper I have lots of experience of poor technique...
Tactics then. Flat back four, with the fullbacks attacking less now that Juan Sorin isn't around. Pretty slow defense, so they sit deep, which allows play to feet around the Argentine box. Mascherano is thus the key in midfield, holding alongside probably Battaglia and disrupting the short passing game. Usually two wide attackers, one target man and a centre forward sitting behind.
Prediction: I am actually pretty high on the Argentines, although the above stuff might not seem so. A lot of the players that are usually shaky have been solid of late (basically, the centre backs. Ultimately, it remains to be seen how long the team can carry the manager before they encounter a game in which tactics and manager-ing (New word. The act of managing) are required. I think that won't be until at least the quarter finals. In fact, I'm going to put them through to the semifinals. Risky? Yes, undoubtedly. But it'll look damn good if it actually happens.
If they were a medical condition: The menopause. God knows which combination of symptoms/ players it'll hit you with. Can leave you hot and flustered and dry and... well, I'll leave it at that.
Korea, Republic of
Coach: Huh Jung-Moo, who was in charge prior to the 2002 World Cup. Brought back in 2007 after every foreign coach declined the offer. Not exactly Mr. Popular amongst the home media, and struck up some initial discort amongst the players. Not going to win them any games a la Guus.
Team: I never thought I'd actually have to clarify that it's the Republic of Korea I'm previewing and not the North, but football is a funny game where consumerism and communism can clash without a tank in sight.
Thankfully there is no chance of the two Korea's meeting. It would have been one hell of a cool occasion, but I fancy the troops would be massing on the 38th Parallel if the North lost. Actually, probably if they won as well.
Korea have, like Argentina, been keen on blooding new talent prior to the World Cup, mostly because they sat back on their golden generation of 2002 until they lost their shine and didn't buy any new gold.
If anything, it was probably fools gold anyway. When Korea played in the 2006 tournament they didn't do very well. Sadly children, the lesson is that not all World Cups can be held in Korea.
Tactically speaking, Korea play the same 4-3-3 that they did in 2006. In general, they are a pressing team with the wingers dropping back quickly and often and the midfield three fanning out alongside them. The pretty decent Lee Chung-Yong and Yeom Ki-Hoon are favourites for the wing spots. Park and The Hoover Kim Nam-Il will do the midfield bustle. Whoever is up front, probably the unimpressive Park Chu-Young will have to get used to operating in isolation. Maybe he could speak to someone from the North about it.
So, to quickly round up the team, AND LETS NOT GET INTO RACIAL STEREOTYPING HERE. The Koreans are workaday and efficient, in the sense that they play with care and don't commit many errors. They are limited in all departments when held to true international standards, and rely on Park Ji-Sung quite a lot. He's quite good, but that's about it.
Simply put, there will not be enough goals to win matches in which the opponent scores more than 1. At least the group is accomodating in this regard, although Nigeria on their day might be more of a handful than most would expect.
Prediction: Third in the group. Could go through if Nigeria cock things up. Not much else to say really.
If they were a medical condition: Must be rabies. And you thought I could get through this without a reference to eating dogs
Greece
Coach: Otto Rehhagel. Thanks for showing us that defensive tactics can allow smaller nations to win international competitions. And thanks for boring us to tears in the process. And ultimately, thanks for sticking with those tactics long afterwards so that other teams could adapt to them and beat you. Because we really don't want another Greece 2004 effort.
Team: I am taking a moral stance angainst Greece, much as I did with Uruguay.
Mainly, I cann't be bothered to waste your time and mine by writing about this boring team of cloggers who have barely changed, suffice retirements, since 2004.
When did Greece last score more than one goal? Against a decent team I mean. I know Theofanis Gekas top scored European qualification with 10. I also know that Greece's qualifing group contained such stars as Luxembourg, Moldova, Latvia and Israel. And that Gekas sat on the Portsmouth bench for a year without ever starting.
So, back to the question, when DID Greece score more than once against meaningful opposition? I don't know, but I think it was when Alexander put 4 past the Persians at Guagamela.
(Wholehearted apologies for setting up that last 'joke').
Greece's goal threat is as deficient as their current budget, and to change this they would need a bailout bigger than anything the Germans are willing to give them. Yes, even bigger than Gordon Brown's infamous handouts.
Tactics involve passing the ball around the back four, playing a driven ball up the wing, winning a corner, scoring a header from said corner, passing the ball around the back four, putting the ball into the stand, and looking at their watches over and over again.
Prediction: Will Greece go throught the group. No. And even if they do, I won't be caring.
If they were a medical condition: Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Or maybe Persistant Vegetative State.
Nigeria
Coach: Lars Lagerback. Replaced Shaibu Amodu, who got the sack in spite of securing World Cup qualification. Experienced as one of the Sweden tag-team, the other being Tommy Soderberg, that took the Scandanavians to three consecutive international tournaments. Should provide some useful stability.
Team: On the whole, Nigeria haven't got much in the way of expectations saddled to them. They reached the semifinals of the African Cup of Nations last year, but really should have got to the final. Their failure to qualify for the 2006 World Cup was a damning indictment on the organisational issues undermining the team at the time, and hopefully Nigeria have moved past those problems for good. At least until 2011.
Attacking talent is nominally good. The names are probably bigger than their game, but players like Obinna, Odemwingie and Uche have proven themselves during qualification, and Martins, Kanu and Yakubu are experienced and well versed in the nuances of foreign football.
Defensive steel also exists, seemingly for the first time since 1994. Basically, John Obi Mikel, Mikel John Obi, or whatever he is called in his day to day life (probably Phil or something) must see to his defensive duties diligently, but also provide the incisive ball that the attackers up front will want to run on to.
Yobo and Chidi Odiah are competent CB's, and Tiawo is a talented fullback; admittedly, his career seemed to plateau a bit last year.
There have to be some concerns about midfield depth (Seyi Olafinjana should not be allowed near Stoke, never mind South Africa), and goalkeeper is a bit of an issue. Enyeama and Ejide are probably the best options out of the African qualifiers, but that doesn't do much but damn the rest of them.
A diamond midfield was used in qualifying, with limited success. Lagerback's Sweden used a similar system though, so I think Nigeria are unlikely to change much about it. Long through balls into the channels for the strikers to run on to are the main source of attack. I'm not sure how well their defence will hold up to fast-paced attacks, but they are reasonably robust and good in the air.
Prediction: I am siding with the Nigerians to finish second and get into the knockout stages. Once there, they will probably do a Ghana 2006 and play reasonably but lose comfortably.
If they were a medical condition: Progeria (That wierd rare disease that ages young people prematurely). Seems to be quite prevalent, so the passport office say...
GM
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