How to beat the Big Freeze

I have been informed by my esteemed colleague that we have a wider readership than I had expected. Sadly, most of these readers reside in Scotland, so my increasing coverage of cricket has pretty much fallen on deaf ears. That said, I'm sure BtC is reaching some obscure readers in India, although I am yet to receive my Fatwa in the post for saying I don't like their cricket team. However, I refuse to take responsibility for the current weather and really have nothing else but cricket to write about. But I now realise I have a new group of readers to satisfy - so here is a cricket-free guide to getting your sporting fix when all around you reads P-P:

1. Become an Alloa Athletic fan - admittedly unless you live in Alloa, transport to and from Recreation Park could be an issue right now. And, even by Scottish Division Two standards, they are a decidely average side (although a treat for a Dumbarton fan). But they have a plastic pitch and as such have seen more action than most in the snow and ice. Livi visit on Boxing Day, the only fixture still left in Div 2, and this very much excites me!

2. Practise a sport we're actually good at - the streets of Edinburgh have been like sheets of ice, with nothing going up or down them. Why are we working so hard to clear them, when all we need to do is to get our brooms out and create some outdoor curling rinks! If we all get enough practise in, we can take Sochi by storm in 2014. And also impress rather attractive Scottish skip Eve Muirhead (see picture) with our phenomenal skills, learned on the mean streets!

3. Be prepared for when the football restarts - we've all been there. Walking along so carefully when all of a sudden your legs go from underneath you and you wind up with a sorer arse than an Irish chorister. But we can put the lack of grip to our advantage. Such is modern football, that when we do finally get to put our Saturday afternoons to good use again, we will have perfected falling over to such a degree that any referee in the business will be conned by simulation. If you can't beat them...!

4. Buy an American football - they only cost a tenner in JJB after all. And I'm not talking about the nancy teams who have a domed roof. I'm talking about the Bears and the Patriots and the Packers, who like to play their football outside all winter long in blizzard conditions. In homage to them, let us don our balaclavas and breed the next generation of Tom Bradys down at the local park, whilst the "tough" rugby types (they're all just posh kids really aren't they?) stay indoors for that extra helping of turkey!

5. The indoor tennis court - I refuse to classify darts or snooker as sports, merely something to accompany that well-earned pint after fulfilling your sporting needs this winter. Also, squash and badminton don't really receive enough attention to be worth pursuing when everything else is frozen over. But tennis... it's not that bad really. So while the pros are taking a break from the long tour season, dust off your rackets and get working on that backhand!

6. Give yourself something to look forward to - I know these "experience gifts" are meant to be for other people. But face it, these are desperate times and we all have a little disposable income around this time of year. So, if you insist upon writing the festive season off for sport, buy yourself a track day, for that adrenaline rush when things finally clear up. If you're really that sad, you can fill in the little gift tag to yourself as well!

7. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5m6yLEy4h4. Quintessential winter sport at its most violent. Perfect!

8. ESPN Classic - for all those of you out there who don't enjoy Doctor Who, The Royle Family or Eastenders specials. Although not everyone is subscribed to this clearly inferior Sky Sports wannabe channel, it does have its upside. Namely the opportunity to watch classic sporting encounters from a whole range of sports in the comfort of your own living room, while the snow falls outside. Encounters in an age where men were real men and got on with their jobs in the bad weather, as the rest of us are expected to do!

9. Use the opportunity to brush up on your knowledge - this one is pretty much specifically aimed at Graeme. Get hold of some Rothman's yearbooks or fire up Wikipedia and broaden your sporting horizons, so next time you go to a game, you can wow your fellow spectators with your knowledge of Glen Loovens' exact height and weight. Who wouldn't be impressed?

10. Learn to like cricket dammit - OK so maybe I lied about this guide being completely cricket-free, much like most Indian restuarants do about the nut content of their food. Each to their own I guess. Merry Christmas to you all!

RM