The Premier Attractions of Summer

I will have seemed a bit quiet of late. I'll be honest, it's been hard for myself and every other fan in the world who has painfully weaned themselves off World Cup addiction only to now find themselves sitting on their hands waiting for the real sports to come back. I simply can't write enough about the Open, or the Tour, or any other sport currently being played to justify an interesting article. Ryan can happily watch any and all the cricket on Sky Sports for weeks on end without inducing a coma. I instead find myself begging for the new football, rugby and NFL seasons to start, with nothing but that ugly Northern bastard-child rugby league to provide any sort of action that finishes in under a week.

God I miss football. Hopefully this short piece will get all you readers just a little bit more excited about next month.

I may end up doing a full Premier League Preview at some point, which will cover every team (unlike the World Cup Previews...). Today, I'm just going to give a flavour of how the top teams in "Europe's biggest league TM Richard Scudamore" are faring. Because lets face it, that's all idiot part-time fans care about. See, I cater for everyone in this blog. Even that pitiful lot of twats.

The Big Four concept has well and truly been put to sleep after last season, and thank god for that. Sadly, the four Champions League spots remain more attractive than an FA Cup win, but at least there is now a genuine competition for them.

Spurs are at that awkward stage that Everton were at a couple of years back. They have a very strong squad, but further investment will not bring improvement unless it is in world class talent such as Luis Fabiano, their perennial tabloid transfer target. Spurs are under a lot of pressure this year, and probably won't finish higher than 5th.

For one, Man City will take some beating. They still need midfield and back four strengthening, and to do so they must man up and just go and spend their fabulous vaults of money instead of spouting their 'we won't be screwed around just because we're rich' crap. YOU are supposed to be the one screwing everyone over. As Team Arab Play Thing, that is your one and only role. You do that by simply paying more than anyone would consider sensible for any and every player you feel like. Deplorable though it is, at least the sellers get wads and wads of cash in return for merely decent players like James Milner, who is apparently the sole key to winning the title, as evidenced by his spells at previous clubs Villa, Newcastle and Leeds.

The Blue half of Manchester are still not strong enough to challenge for the title. The success of their run for fourth place will be influenced by Sir Roy's new charges in Liverpool, proud new centrepiece of Call Me Dave Cameron's Big Society bollocks; a wierd choice of venue seeing as nothing can make the turgid city of Liverpool functional. Whether Hodgson can do so to their turgid football club is another matter. Something tells me he's sacked in 2 years tops. For this season though, his Reds should be sufficiently galvanised to try and regain 4th, namely because without the Champs League money they'll be doing their shopping in the Championship for the foreseeable future.

Man U are right where they have been for the past few years. Personally, I hate them because they defy logical analysis. I am loath to spout the cliche view of "As long as they have Sir Alex they'll be fine", but, to be honest, that's seemingly about all there is in their favour any more. Besides Rooney and Nani of course. Creaky, injury-prone defence, old and/or overrated midfielders and Wayne playing Lee Harvey Oswald as the ultimately doomed lone attacker (yes lone. Bollocks to the conspiracies). And with no obvious plans to strengthen, and no transfer buzz beyond Balotelli, bad news and probably 3rd place await.

Which leaves us with the original billionaires plaything and that lot from Ashburton Grove. I see this year's title race as being a London dichotomy. Chelsea have the obvious edge in experience and confidence, but one hand giveth and the other taketh away, and they are at the same time becoming a team full of injured soon-to-be oldies that thankfully have no African Cup Of Nations to get crocked at this year. Another central midfielder, and at least two attackers, one a striker the other a wide man, are needed. But Ancelotti gives an extra edge.

Arsenal infuriate with their reluctance to sign anyone sensible. Goalkeepers and sensible centre back targets came and went; instead they made do with "Turns out he's a bit rubbish" Thomas Vermualen and the "Oh my, he's actually rubbish" Almunia. This season, Schwarzer will eventually end up signing up to mind the sticks, so no problems there. They need, reiterate NEED, a new centre back to cover William Gallas' deficiencies, and also another striker (because Chamakh isn't going to cut the mustard, and Eduardo's crippled husk of a leg has now departed). But Fabregas is still there. For that, they must thank every deity they can think of.

Who's going to win then? Well, who's going to improve most over the next month; that'll probably be Chelsea.

GM