Big (Grew)Cock Retires

This blog lets Ryan and I highlight sporting topics that perhaps only we think are important or worth mentioning. As such, I'm writing a quick piece to mark the announcement today that rugby player Danny Grewcock is to retire.

A Second Row by virtue of his 6'6" and 18 stone frame, Grewcock has served English rugby tirelessly since the mid 90's. He was a two club man, having started out in the still young professional era with Saracens, but is best known as a servant of Bath rugby club, whom he joined in 2001.


Also a regular England international, Grewcock's muscular contributions earned him plaudits and places on two Lions tours and in a World Cup winning side.

Grewcock, as mentioned, was renowned for his physical play. Being as he was a former amateur, he was one of several players (Simon Shaw being the most prominant example) that kept the spirit of old-style forward play alive.

This did lead to multiple suspensions, notably for kicking Dan Carter and biting Keven Mealamu, punching Lawrence Dallaglio in the face (lad) and stamping on more bodies than a Glasgow gang member, the most recent victim being Stephen Ferris earlier this year.

I believe that players like Grewcock deserve to be remembered fondly, but in all likelihood will be too easily forgotten. The man was a loyal and passionate player for his entire career. He served an old and proud club, and even his success with the England national side is to be respected. You won't get any higher praise than that from me with regards an England player.

Even his ill discipline was always endearing to me. As I said, it harks back to a bygone age; it was as if he was a living fossil of the famous warriors of the 50's and 60's. The commitment and sheer will to do whatever it takes to win, coupled with a 'never back down' attidude, is pretty inspirational to today's players, and certainly to a Back 5 forward such as myself.

So thanks Danny for all you gave to the sport of rugby.

Still, I bet big Scott Murray could have you in a fight!

GM

Consumer Choices

It's strange that there hasn't been that much to talk about of late sport-wise. The most 'noteworthy' happenings have been Arsenal's inevitable mental collapse and Manchester United's predictable win over Schalke in the Champions League semi's. Two events that even I predicted would happen...

What did interest me, in the Man U game, was the performance of two men, one on each side.

Javier Hernandez and Manuel Neuer represent polar opposites on the great football spectrum of young talent. Hernandez was signed by Sir Alex Ferguson as an unknown afterthought before the South Africa World Cup, and proceeded to justify the move by putting in impressive showings in the Rainbow Nation. His form this year has made him an obvious choice for the non-existant 'Premiership Best Buy' award (and this is in a year featuring Asamoah Gyan and an £8mil Van Der Vaart. Crazy).

Neuer, too, impressed at the World Cup. We were aware of his talent before the tournament, and had it rubbed in our faces as Germany progressed. He was destined for the top; one of those players who are the jewel in their club's crown. Everyone wants jewels. And yet nobody ever tried to sign Neuer.

I have always found it odd that some managers seem incapable of making decent, logical decisions. I also find it interesting that some managers are able to see a speck of talent where others see only a Freddy Adu.

Isn't it wierd that Arsene Wenger fits into both these catagories. He has undoubtedly picked up and coached up some quality players; Henry, Vieira and Van Persie for those without a recent memory, plus decent players like his current group of Clichy, Sagna, Song, Djourou and Gibbs. But he has also spent the past five years not making some obvious decisions.

For example, yes Wojciech Szczesny (which is a nightmare to type by the way. For some reason I always link him with semi-infamous cool Nazi Otto Skorzeny) may turn out to be excellent (I predicted so a couple of years back when he was playing on loan at Doncaster incidently), but the simple addition of Mark Schwarzer on the cheap could have won Arsenal another title or two. Think of the games the Gunners have lost due to Almunia alone. Likewise, if he had simply kept playing an in-form Marouane Chamakh instead of playing Van Persie as a lone front man, or constantly utilising Niclas Bendtner, then this year's Premiership could easily have been residing in Ashburton Grove.

It;s not just Arsene. Why nobody has tried to sign Neuer, or Lyon's Hugo Lloris, by now is a mystery to me. Both would be reasonably cheap, certainly compared to the extortionate cost required to bring in literally any striker these days, and would probably have a more consistent impact.

Some questions are just too obvious to have answers it seems.

GM

The County Show

I promise you right now that this will not be a regular feature of BtC. There is simply too much to keep track of in an already busy life to do a decent job of a county cricket diary. However, save for Gerard Houllier's dodgy heart and Andy Powell being hilarious (again!) in Walkabout (we've all got stupidly drunk in that particular establishment), nothing really has tickled my journalistic fancy of late. So I might as well go for what I know best!

County cricket is such a British tradition, akin with moaning about the weather and getting far too excited about royal weddings. And yet, just like the other examples, it is fundamentally flawed. As I managed to prove last season, there is simply too much cricket. Teams are travelling to different parts of the country, playing a four-day match, followed by a 40 over game on a Sunday in a different location, before travelling elsewhere and starting all over again. Yes we all know people who travel all over the country for their work, but these men in suits are not professional athletes. Fast bowlers in particular have a horrendous workload, getting through up to 20 overs in a day, with little time to rest and recuperate from the niggling injuries that you inevitably pick up. Believe me, I play far less cricket than these people but just enough to spend the entire summer in some degree of pain and doped up to my eyeballs on co-codamol.

The team that illustrates this fixture overcrowding the best are Durham. A side looking to bounce back after a poor 2010 which followed back-to-back championships, they are reckoned as having the best home-grown pace attacks in the country. And yet there resources are already stretched to their limit. Steve Harmison, in the autumn of his career, has been a great success in county cricket since his international exile. And yet he only managed 20 balls in the game against Hampshire (Chester-le-Street to Southampton illustrates the length of some journeys we're talking about on the circuit) before pulling up injured. Granted, it was a knock picked up whilst batting, but he is a big loss. Especially when you consider that Liam Plunkett has since broken down and Graham Onions is only just feeling his way back to fitness after an 18 month absence with stress fractures - another indication of a man just trying to do too much! Add in Mark Stoneman's broken wrist and skipper Phil Mustard's gout and you have a team pretty much on its' knees three weeks into the season.

Still I'd rather support a team with loads of injuries but playing good cricket. Instead I am lumbered with a fully fit Somerset side, tipped by many to be the team to beat in the Championship this year. They have indeed been the team to beat. The team to beat by an innings, not once, but twice. The Warwickshire game was a debacle. Despite inserting the visitors, Somerset still managed to concede over 600, as overseas player Ajantha Mendis proved a huge disappointment. It is not acceptable for a spin bowler to ball 15 front foot no balls in an innings, let alone go for 5 runs and over when you are supposedly an international class mystery spinner. He should be having no impact. However, he can have no real responsibility as a tail end batsman, when the team gets skittled for 50 following on. It wasn't like the Warwickshire bowling attack was that good, wickets were just chucked away. The distinct lack of confidence followed them to Liverpool, where Lancashire closed out another crushing defeat this afternoon. We lost our first two fixtures last season and still managed to finish 2nd, only missing out because Nottinghamshire won more games. But after this start, it will take a lot for Marcus Trescothick to rally the troops and come close again.

In terms of early outstanding performers, the man who has dominated in Division 1 has been Warwickshire's Varun Chopra. He hasn't scored a great deal of runs in the past, either for the Bears or former club Essex. However, he made hay down at Taunton last week with a maiden double century and has now followed that up with another (currently 223*) to almost save an ongoing game with Worcestershire. The man is in the form of his life. In Divison 2, I have been impressed with Essex's 17 year-old seam bowler Reece Topley. The lad bowls at a good clip already and can gain prodigious swing, albeit in helpful early season conditions. He picked up 5 wicket hauls in his first two matches, and has again made crucial strikes in the current game with Northants (my surprise pick to win promotion by the way. That's them fucked then!). It will be interesting to see how he goes as players get used to his significant height and sharp angle of delivery and when pitches flatten out through the year.

And, of course, if he can stay fit with the sheer volume of cricket!
RM

Killing Neil Lennon Perhaps a Step Too Far?

My pernickety internet seems to have fixed itself, so I can get back to posting some stuff (I'm sure you've all been dismayed by the absence of my writing of late).

Circumstances dictate that I need to, yet again, write about the Old Firm. Trust me, I'm as bored of writing about them as you are of reading it, but the current story in the news demands our attention.

There is an ongoing police investigation into what have now been confirmed to be letter bombs sent to Celtic manager Neil Lennon, as well as Celtic FC lawyer Paul McBride QC, who has been prominent in the Scottish press of late due to his pointless war of words with the SFA (Here is a quick paraphrased summary of his opinions: "Boo hoo, waa waa! Everyone hates Celtic! Nobody has mentioned my name for over 50 seconds! Why do I, a respected professional, still feel the need to publicly bleat and pout over trivial nonsense! I am a tosser and was shit at actually playing football at school!"). Interestingly, a bomb was also sent to obscure former Deputy Speaker of the Scottish Parliament Trish Godman MSP, whose only 'offense' of late was to wear a Celtic top to Holyrood one day.

The targeting of Ms Godman suggests that the perpetrator(s) of these attempted attacks, assuming they are all part of the same plot, are eerily avid followers of devolved Scottish government. Even I had no idea who Trish Godman was. I assumed at first that she might be Phil Godman's mum, and so felt that her letter bomb could be forgiven.

Seriously though, these attempted attacks are simply disgraceful. When people are victims of attempted murder simply for being associated with a football club then society really has got something to answer for. Letter bombs are weapons associated with the Troubles of the 70's; at least the IRA were nominally fighting for an 'independent' Northern Ireland. The perpetrators of this attack are pissed off at a football manager. That people such as that can continue to live in our country is an indictment on us all; how could such idiots be allowed to act like this. Does nobody know them? Has nobody the guts to report these criminals? And have our football clubs, our police and our government failed so utterly to condone and eradicate such idiocy?

The full details of this incident are, as I have said, not yet known. I speculate that this crime was either orchestrated or executed in Northern Ireland. The bullets sent in the post earlier this year to Lennon came from Northern Ireland after all. If this is the case, then these idiots/terrorists can fuck right off back to the Maze. People of their ilk have done enough attempting to destroy what little peace and social cohesion the United Kingdom has achieved in the Province at the cost of numerous lives. For some wannabe hard men to then perpetrate attacks on Scottish soil apparently only because of a mere "footballing rivalry" is enough to make my blood boil. While there is a lot of violence and hatred,there is precious little of this 'old school' sectarianism in the Old Firm rivalry these days. What little remains is perpetrated almost exclusively by Northern Irelanders living either in the Province or the West of Scotland (this is the police and government view, not just my own opinion).

It is simply depressing to live in Scotland or Northern Ireland when events like these letter bombs or the recent Irish car bombs remind us that some things simply have not changed. Idiocy for idiocy's sake is about as low as a person can sink.

GM

Return of the Mac?

Let's face facts here. We all know what happened at Augusta National on Sunday night. Rory McIlroy bottled it. It seems harsh on a 21 year-old who still truly has the world at his feet and the potential to go on and be one of golf's all-time greats. Emphasis on the word "potential" there, for nothing is set in stone in this most unpredictable of sports. But for some reason, having played with such calm assurance for three days, his game fell apart, no more noticeably at the triple-bogey 10th. Not even Amen Corner could conjure up a divine intervention. In the end, McIlroy ended up back with the pack, whilst Charl Schwartzel played a superb round, making use of some seriously good fortune and terrific strokeplay to make the most of Rory's implosion and win his first Green Jacket.

There can be no explanation othert than that there were demons in McIlroy's mind that affected his game in the highest of pressure situations. Thankfully, there are other stories from sport that show that blowing a four shot lead is just another chapter in bottling the big occasion. He is by no means alone:

Jean Van de Velde makes a splash at Carnoustie: It's 1999. This was actually my first ever memory of golf as a televised sport (I had obviously enjoyed the crazy golf courses of Paignton and the surrounding area before the age of 9!). The Open Championship looked to be heading to a shock conclusion with Frenchman van de Velde needing only a double-bogey at the 18th to seal the Claret Jug. Rather than playing safe, VdV (it's easier than typing the whole thing out) decided to drive off the tee, finding the rough. Rather than laying up, he goes for the green in two, hits the grandstand and ends up in the deep stuff. Then finds the Barry Burn. Then finds a bunker. He was lucky to make the putt that took the Open into a three-way playoff with Justin Leonard and Paul Lawrie. VdV lost, Lawrie won. Total and utter catastrophe for the Frenchman. McIlroy lost a Major in one round - van de Velde lost it on one hole!
See also: Greg Norman at the 1996 Masters - failing to capitalise on a course-record 63 and a six shot lead going into the last day, only to lose by 5 to Nick Faldo (this collapse is actually compared to McIlroy's on The Great White Shark's Wikipedia!)

Snatching parity from the jaws of victory: It's still 1999. This time we're at Edgbaston for the Cricket World Cup semi-final between Australia and South Africa. Hey, it's a piece on bottling it, you've got to include the Proteas! Australia have been restricted to a modest 213, thanks to Shaun Pollock 5 wicket haul. A 50 from a younger but no less chunky Jacques Kallis took South Africa close to their target, with Lance Klusener bludgeoning them to 205-9 going into the final over. The first ball was smashed for four. So was the second. The third was hit straight to Mark Waugh, with Allan Donald, the non-striker, nearly run out backing up. The fourth was also hit to Waugh, with Klusener charging down the track to pick up the winning run. Donald didn't move. Eventually Adam Gilchrist whipped off the bails with Donald stranded, the match tied. Australia advance to the final on net run rate from the Super Sixes stage and didn't lose another World Cup match until this year. Funnily enough, the Aussies only just scraped past the Saffers in the Super Sixes, with Steve Waugh making a match-winning 120* having been dropped by Herschelle Gibbs early on. "You just dropped the World Cup mate". How prophetic.
See also: 2003 World Cup. South Africa need one off the last ball before an inevitable rain delay to be ahead on Duckworth/Lewis. Mark Boucher is instructed by skipper Pollock, who failed to do his sums properly, to block the ball. Another tie and another ignominious exit. Idiots.

Don't You Just Love it? - People forget that Newcastle used to be quite good. Like actually quite good, when they could get by on Kevin Keegan's enthusiasm alone. All the excitability, couple with the excellence of Les Ferdinand and David Ginola saw them hold a 12-point lead atop the Premiership going into February. Then it all went down the drain. They lost by a solitary goal to Manchester United, as Fergie's men gradually reeled them in, prompting KK's infamous "I would love it if we beat them" rant. They didn't beat them. The key game was the 4-3 defeat to Liverpool, having been 3-2 up, Stan Collymore hit the winner in injury time. They were still level with United with two games to go, but the psychological damage had been done.
See also: Liverpool 1989. 1-1 against second place Arsenal in injury time, league title sewn up. DON'T LET MICHAEL THOMAS SCORE! Oh shit...

Gyan pays the penalty (not quite Andreas Escobar's, but hey) - It was a classic encounter between two unfancied team who lit up a dull tournament in the Rainbow Nation. Ghana were left representing African hopes and had sent a continent into rapture with Sulley Muntari's long-range screamer on the stroke of half-time. This lead was cancelled out by a typical cracker from Diego Forlan and the remainder of normal and extra time remained relatively incident free. Until the 120th minute. Luis Suarez blocked a goalbound header on the line. Penalty. Red card (not that it mattered). Up stepped Asamoah Gyan, a relative unknown before the tournament, but a star now after some impressive displays. The penalty rebounded off the crossbar and a shootout ensued. Gyan scored his second spot kick but his teammates couldn't follow suit and Ghana crashed out. Liverpool vs Sunderland matches now have an extra edge to them...
See also: John Terry falling on his arse and hitting a post with a chance to win that elusive Champions League title from the spot for his beloved Chelsea. Nicolas Anelka did the rest to hand another crown to Manchester United. And Martyn Williams shanking his kick for Cardiff Blues in a Heineken Cup semi-final shootout against Leicester.

No Tim, No - It all looked perfect back in the summer of 2001. Sampras had been knocked out by some young bloke called Federer, eliminating Tiger Tim's greatest nemesis. All that stood in his way of a final against notoriously flaky Aussie Pat Rafter was veteran wildcard Goran Ivanisevic. Having lost a first-set tie break, Henman turned on the style that he was always blessed with to blow Goran out of the water in the next two sets, taking the third 6-0, with the Croat scrabbling around for some hope. It arrived in the form of the British summer. Rain. Thankfully minus Cliff Richard. Goran had some respite and re-emerged a different player, edging out a tie-break in the 4th before completing the comeback 6-3. He went on to win Wimbledon, a fairytale if ever there was one. Henman never got a better chance to win Wimbledon and repay the faith the British public put in him year after year after year
See also: Henman's numerous other Wimbledon exits over the years. And most of Andy Murray's, including those three other Grand Slam finals. He'll win a set one day.

RM

Happy Anniversary (plus about a fortnight)

Time really does fly. Our flatmate said it wouldn't last six weeks. On the 25th March, Beyond the Cliche celebrated its' first birthday. The stories have changed, the sporting world is a different place, but the same wit and insight (or whatever they're calling what we do these days) remains the same. Obviously a post of this nature would have been slightly more appropriate on the actual day, but varying circumstances have prevented us from getting together before today. The beers have been bought in, so the tone of this may slide progressively into the bluntly obscene as things go on - see it as akin to the increasingly insulting hysteria of the Superbowl live blog.

So this is how we're going to do this - we are going to sit down and discuss our successes and failures as men. We will praise and criticise each other and well as ourselves on our excellent/shit/mediocre punditry (delete as applicable). It's a bit like those self-appraisals you have to always do at work. Only a little more interesting. We think. PS The Football League Show's on - forgive us if we get a little distracted...

RM: What do you reckon the most politically incorrect thing you've said during this year is? Like single it down to one. For me, I'm going to excuse myself making fun of Cecil Martin's disabled face because it was 2:30am. However accurate it may have turned out to be, describing all of Africa as being the home of the Civil Unrest World Cup may have touched a few nerves!

GM: Describing FIFA delegates as "whores on par with Aberdeen Sex Workers" was a reasonably offensive thing to say, as was suggesting that French people would prefer to fondle their genitals instead of doing anything constructive. Saying that "there are actually loads of black people in Scotland, you just can't see them in the dark of winter" was probably my most severe comment! I'm now afraid to enter a room unless the light is turned on. All of this stuff is obviously pretty shameful. Have you written anything that particularly shames you?

RM: Well first of all, we've always prided ourselves on saying what everyone else is thinking - so I'm not especially bothered about anything that could be construed as offensive or un-PC. I regret attempting to tackle the entire county season and Ashes tour in detail. It's actually really difficult to keep such a long process interesting to read without becoming formulaic. In that respect, I accurately captured how long and laborious both seasons were. It wasn't exactly a pleasure to write about towards the end. I'll keep in the international summer this year, and also follow the counties as a fan. But I won't be able to give it the same level of attention on here again!

GM: I'm personally pretty ashamed that I never actually finished my 'in-depth' World Cup Preview series, and that I attempted to ask Natalie Portman out in an article about Fernando Torres (she hasn't got back to me. Yet). I am in no way ashamed, though, of the number of articles I wrote while sitting in my boxers at the dead of night. And I make no apologies for rubbing it in on the rare occasion I predicted something correctly.

RM: What have you actually predicted correctly?

GM: For a start, I predicted that the blog would last for six weeks. It has obviously exceeded that figure... My World Cup predictions were generally pretty poor, but I at least recognised that Germany would be the most impressive nation there. I have pretty much got all of my club and international rugby predictions spot on, and need I remind you that I correctly got the exact Redskins record last year (6-10 baby)? AND I picked Andy Murray to lose on several occasions, so I'm practically Nostradamus.

RM: Germany were impressive, but they didn't actually win it did they? Who was it who accurately predicted the winner again? Oh yeh, that was me. I appreciate my NFL predictions were generally wide of the mark but I at least saw the end of Donovan McNabb in Philadelphia and called the Packers to win from the start of the season. Granted, it wasn't a tricky call to make, but it was the right one. Finally, I did that video piece on the T20 World Cup (not the actual Cricket World Cup, it gets complicated, keep up) - I said Suresh Raina could be India's player to watch. The next day he goes and scores a hundred. Oh and I said AP McCoy would win SPOTY but I take no pride in that as it was the obvious sentimental vote, as opposed to who actually deserved it (Mark Cavendish - again!)

GM: In the interest of self-improvement, I should probably highlight the less accurate predictions I made, which included a Germany-Brazil World Cup final (I picked it because it was a tad unconventional) and a tournament in which Italy and France would reach the Quarterfinals and Uruguay would be completely rubbish. To be honest, football hasn't been that kind to me; I said that Chelsea would win the league with Arsenal 2nd and Man United 3rd, and dismissed Blackpool as "being fucked" in 20th place. I also got the Superbowl wrong, but that was mainly for the sake of variety. Honest.

RM: Like I said, my NFL predictions were generally wildly inaccurate. This can be summed up by one team: The Kansas City Chiefs. I believe as described them as being "shit" and their QB Matt Cassel as being "useless". They ended up winning the AFC West (admittedly not too tricky), playing effectively both offensively and defensively and generally not being shit or useless. I also said Hampshire would win the County Championship. They didn't come close. At this point, I would like to extend a wholehearted apology to Pro-Bowler Cassel for writing him off. Any similar wrongs you need righted Graeme?

GM: I suppose I could give a grudging pat on the back to Scotland centre Nick De Luca for scoring the opening try in our only win of this year's Six Nations. But frankly, he got lucky. Nick, you're still shit. I may have been slightly harsh on Graeme Morrison, Kenny Dalgleish, the nation of Ireland and horses. Don't consider this an apology for what I said; it is simply highlighting that sometimes I can be a little mean.

RM: I suppose I should mention how harsh I was to the Welsh nation in the Six Nations live blog as well. However, I take none of it back as I still hate the leek-munching bastards. While we're on that subject, I feel I jumped the gun a touch on praising the job Andy Robinson has done with the Scottish side, particularly the gloating that he's the coach England wished they had. Martin Johnson's not done too badly since whilst our win in Argentina proved to be a false dawn. I still rate Robbo as a coach, I really do, but he's not a miracle worker - it would take an absolute genius to overhaul the SRU and make us genuinely competetive in the Six Nations. He is not that. Anyone else you overpraised?

GM: Nicolas Anelka for one, but I did qualify it by stating that he is a petulent, slovenly genius. Roy Hodgson may have gotten favourable treatment from me after his Liverpool dismissal, but his current great work at West Brom seems to support my original views that the Liverpool players were mainly to blame. I also perhaps praise Scotland openside John Barclay too much, but if I don't then who will? The same goes with Detroit WR Calvin Johnson. I am proud of my ongoing support of his career. As we draw our happy Frank Keating-esque whimsy article to a close, can you think of any piece of work you are most proud of?

RM: There are two, both of which I feel reflect the two different sides to the writing style of BtC. First of all, we have the piece I wrote on Darrelle Revis' holdout - applying the obsession that sportsmen have with money not just to the NFL, but to football, cricket and rugby. To my mind, the most complete piece I've written. On the lighter side of things, the "Top 10 Ways to Beat the Big Freeze" article was a) very topical and amusing and b) wholly insulting to so many people, especially yourself. In terms of your best work in my opinion - schools athletics. Personal experience used to reflect the sad state of British athletics. Top stuff.

GM: That was a piece from way back wasn't it? I had almost forgotten about it. In general, I have really enjoyed getting the chance to write things like that; a mix of analysis and personal opinion. French rugby, football managerial changes and some of the more serious ways that sport and society interact have all provided the basis for my most passionate articles. I'd like to think I did them justice, and didn't sound too pretentious. In terms of sheer lightheartedness, my best work has definately been the NFL related puns I came up with at 3 am in the 14th January edition of the Redzone.

Well there you go - one year down, maybe many more to come. Keep reading (if you actually do read this, please follow so that our self-esteem rises - 6 followers is pretty pish to be honest!). Cheers!

RM and GM

Culture Shock - When EUCC Hit Barbados

As Graeme recently alluded to, my silence on BtC has been nothing to do with a lack of interest in you the readers or (perish the thought), sport in general. I have in fact been away in Barbados. And, far from sunning myself and topping up the tan, I was there to play some serious cricket. But now I'm back, the Masters is on in the background and I'm off to Ochilview on Saturday to hopefully see the Lions win the league - my committment to the BtC cause was never really in doubt! Anyway, I thought I may as well regale you with the tales of my travels - a learning experience if ever there was one.

I captain the Edinburgh Uni 2nd team - we're not the most talented cricketers in the world but we make good of what we have and truly love playing the game. As well as enjoying a rum or four after the game (more of that later). We travelled out with the 1st team and women's team with limited expectations - the oppositon consisted of four top school sides and two Division 1 clubs. We knew the standard would be high and we would have to perform exceptionally to win a game. Which puts gloss on our eventual 1-5 record. Believe me when I say it's tough out there. Especially when you've been brought up in a cricketing culture that does not favour aggressive batting. We are taught in the UK to play ourselves in, get a good look at the bowling and accumulate runs rather than just looking for runs at any opportunity. Not in the West Indies - these kids just see the ball and look to spank it. The pitches are flat and force the bowlers to toil. Get it fractionally wrong and you will travel to the boundary with force and velocity.

Case in point - Game 2. We pick up a wicket in the 2nd over with a cheeky low full toss - if they can't play that delivery, the batting lineup isn't up to much. Out walks a guy with a Mongoose - one of those long-handled, no splice monsters. We have a few words about how we hope he can handle it . He could. The next three balls led to a 4 and two 6s off our premier fast bowler. All straight back over his head. Whilst fielding at square leg, I had a chat to their captain who was umpiring and found out it was Dwayne Smith's brother. That's Dwayne Smith of the Windies, one of the biggest hitters in world cricket. Eventually I took matters into my own hands and got the bugger out myself. He made 157 off 76 balls. I simply could not set fields for him, so good was his eye. Don't get me wrong, the guy was a complete cunt. But a very good cunt. One who taught us the value of the tightest bowling in the face of on onslaught and the value of backing yourself with the bat - at our level, you will always encounter bad deliveries. They need to be punished (something I actually learned to make a habit of on tour - lesson to bowlers on a hat-trick: don't bowl a wide half-volley to a man with a big bat! You will be dispatched!)

We also encountered Fidel Edwards' nephew (he was shite) and a club side for which former test cricketers Ian Bradshaw and Pedro Collins still turned out for regularly (they weren't so shite). You add in the schedule of a game, a lash, a day off hungover in Bridgetown, followed by five games on the bounce, with interspersed lashing in the evenings and you get tired. We got skittled for 85 in game 4 and hit our lowest point.

But we managed to regroup in spite of some niggling injuries and visible fatigue. By the time we reached the last game 0-5, I was pumped up - I told the boys this would probably be their last time playing cricket in the Carribbean and they had to push through the pain and show that it meant something to them and that they weren't just a bunch of guys who showed up for a good time and nothing else. We responded. The swing bowlers finally found consistent movement to pick up 5 wickets between them, aided by our brilliant fresher find, who managed to bowl superb spells of off-spin throughout the tour for little reward. 3-21 was a much more appropriate set of figures, although he did later put a sitter down off my bowling, which kept him firmly in the doghouse for a while! 185 to win in 35 overs. A veteran opener coming off the back of two straight ducks. 72 off 83 the response. A top knock, backed up by our normally sedate wicketkeeper coming out swinging like a Bajan local to see us over the line with 39*. 7 wicket win over a top club side and it felt comfortable - a huge achievement. Even the 1s only managed 2-4.

To say I was proud of the boys for their efforts throughout is an understatement. We've worked so hard over the winter and it finally paid dividends at the last. The winning skipper was rewarded with not a dirty pint, but a dirty litre. Containing straight rum, coke, lager, rum punch and (briefly) one of the lads' penis. Away it went. I didn't make it out to the bar that night. A price worth paying. It was great being exposed to a different style of cricketer, different conditions and different pitches. I'm pretty impressed that none of us wilted in the considerable heat. Every player will have learned about their individual game and developed a new weapon to unleash on the poor unsuspecting souls of BUCS League 3A! Myself? Bat positively down the order, adapt your bowling length if it sits up off the pitch and keep spirits high as a captain if things aren't going your way. If they are going your way, keep the squeeze on and back yourself that you know best.

What an experience
RM

The Champions League QF's Previewed. Very Briefly

This years Champions League quarterfinals feature German, Italian, Spanish, English and Eastern European sides much like last years edition. Some of these teams are back for another go; Manchester United, Barcelona and Inter Milan. The others, Shakhtar Donetsk, Schalke, Real Madrid, Chelsea and Tottenham, have done better than they did last year (consistent successes Chelsea aside, they have all done a LOT better!). Notably, there is no French involvement, unlike last year which gave us a Lyon - Bordeaux domestic rivalry. This years intra-national matchup is a battle of Premiership foes, as Manchester United square off with Chelsea.

It is certainly surprising to see Spurs progress this far; their success is probably an indictement on the quality of their opponents thus far. Schalke, too, are surprising; indeed, they have practically no right to be here, wallowing as they are in the Bundesliga midtable. We do welcome back an old face this year; hello Real Madrid! It only took you 7 years to break out of your slump.

Without further ado, on to the matchups.

Inter Milan Vs Schalke 04

The reigning European champions have regressed badly following the departure of Jose Mourinho. Rafa Benitez's tenure was a veritable disaster and the fact that results have picked up under Leonardo almost certainly shows how abysmal Inter were before Christmas, as opposed to how gifted a manager Leo is. Inter were just putting together a run in Serie A, looking to close AC Milan's points lead, but they blew their prime chance, the Derby della Milano on Saturday. They lost 3-0 and were abject.

Schalke are thus semmingly ideal opponents, as they have been having an even worse time of things. They are now in the surreal situation of having to adapt to a new coach, Ralf Ragnick, on the cusp of a European quarterfinal, Felix Magath having been disposed of due to bad league form. Can a team in this situation possibly hope to beat Inter, who performed well in the Round of 16? Well, having watched the Milan derby debacle, my head says yes. If there is going to be an upset, it will happen here.

Real Madrid Vs Tottenham Hotspur

If I had told you back in 2003 that Real would be playing Spurs in the Champions League knockout stages, you would have thought I was as crazy as Antonio Cassano (who Real Madrid haven't actually bought yet, but still). Then again, you would have told me that Leeds would be a dangerous side to face. Some of their players, like Jonathan Woodgate, aren't good enough to play for Real, but still...

It is 2011 though, and nowadays it is as rare as sight to see Madrid reach this stage. Spurs have exceeded themselves so far, but Mourinho is the premier tactiian in the world, looking to win back to back European cups. He isn't going to lose this. Harry Redknapp (who simply isn't a managerial genius) will miss the form of Gareth Bale who, even if he manages to play both legs, has no football under him since January. Central defence must also be of great concern, with only Bassong and Dawson fully fit (Gallas may also be in the mix).

Real, for their part, are probably without Cristiano Ronaldo for at least the first leg. That game is at the Bernabeu and, Sporting Gijon notwithstanding, no side has won there this year; they are one of Europe's most resilient teams. If Real stop Spurs scoring in the first game (which basically means shutting down Van Der Vaart and utilising Carvalho's experience against Peter Crouch) then Ronaldo should return to help them easily finish off the job at White Hart Lane. If on the other hand Spurs take a draw or 2-1 loss back to London, the Special One might have to pause for thought.

Barcelona Vs Shakhtar Donetsk

Nobody can bring themselves to seriously back Shakhtar, though arguments can be made for them. Ultimately, strip back all the over-adulation and media bullshit and Barca are still a bloody fine team. And while the game in Donetsk, a hostile environment in which
Shakhtar have built a 60 something game unbeaten run, may not go Barcelona's way, the Ukrainians/ Brazilians surely cannot hope to deny Barca on their home soil.

Injuries to central defenders have forced Barca to field makeshift back 4's. Yet, they have kept on winning. The attack is actually a bit one dimensional at times; if Messi is controlled then Villa really has his work cut out for him. Iniesta is due a big performance, as he has been pretty vanilla in Europe so far.

I would absolutely love Shakhtar to scrape a 1-0 win at home and then shut up shop, park the bus and clog their way to a 0-0 draw in Spain. Mircea Lucescu is a good coach who I would like to be recognised, but it just isn't going to happen is it?

Manchester United Vs Chelsea

Tough call, primarily due to the added intensity of European competition. Man U have proved me dead wrong so far this year; I predicted that age would grind down Giggs, Ferdinand, Scholes and the like and that the Reds wouldn't have the strength in reserve to win the league. Well, those players have slowed down, but Man U have won regardless. I think the problem with my prediction was that I overvalued Chelsea and Arsenal; both have been pretty sloppy this year.

But Arsenal almost beat Barcelona, and Chelsea are obviously still in it. So perhaps we can discount league form a bit. This tie will be close, but in spite of everything I'm going to go with Man U. Chelsea just will not get the same physicality from Essien and Drogba as they did in the 2008 final. Lampard isn't as good, Malouda has fallen off the map and the defence has been ropey of late (see the Stoke game for proof). And obviously the issues up front have been well documented; irrespective of form, can you really rely on Nicolas Anelka this much?

Wayne Rooney will be critical to Man U's chances, as Sir Alex evidently does not trust either Berbatov or Hernandez fully in Europe. Vidic, as always, will also be key; the Man U defence has suffered due to injuries and cannot afford it's leading man to slip up. Nani should be troublesome, but Darren Fletcher is needed in midfield; he has suffered from a virus of late. If the Scotsman can provide some steel and fight to the Reds midfield, Chelsea will just not be able to assert themselves as they need to in order to win this tie.

GM

Love's Lost Labor

There isn't much going on at the moment but as I said before I'm not going to use that as an excuse to neglect the blog. As Ryan is currently relaxing in the Barbados sun while on tour, I am in sole command of the good ship Beyond the Cliche and I'll be damned if I let her hit an iceberg or Caribbean island.

So for now, because sometimes your life just isn't exciting enough, here is a brief lesson on United States labor law.

Whether you follow the NFL in detail or not, you should be concerned with what is currently going down Stateside. More accurately, it is what is not going to be happening that is the issue. For the league is in turmoil.

A peculiar aspect of American sports is their league structures. For a nation seemingly obsessed with low taxes, minimalist government and economic freedom, it may surprise you to know that the quintessentially American sports, Baseball, Basketball and Football, are run in a very socialist way.

Perhaps this is the by-product of essentially brand new sports developing in a country where teams have been able to easily relocate and where athletes have always been allowed to be professional, as opposed to traditional British amateurism in football and rugby which persisted well beyond it's sell-by date and meant that the owners of the clubs had a head start when the professional world arrived. The big three American sports (fuck you ice hockey) have ended up as more than mere leagues (that's you Scudamore, no matter how much you cry over it!), pretty much copying each other into the bargin.

Some bright spark back at the start realised that grouping all the teams in the league together into one big organisation would allow them to dominate the market, and hence the money. And so, the 32 teams of the NFL are, by all legal intents and purposes, one entity.

This setup allows the league to enforce things such as revenue sharing, selective television rights and salary caps. The NFL is particularly social; revenue sharing is entirely equal between teams, meaning that a no-hoper like Buffalo gets as much cash from the central league as the perpetually successful Patriots. Baseball does not force the Yankees, by far and away the most profitable team in America, to share all of its revenue with the Kansas City Royals; only football goes this far.

In any other business, if you and your competitors agreed to group together and divvy up the money, unintentionally or deliberately fixing prices in the process, this would be illegal under a branch of corporation law called Antitrust. The group would be classed as a cartel, and would be disbanded. As individual entities, teams would almost without exception be worse off, and would certainly have to change their entire approach to business.

America's sports leagues have therefore come up with ways to get round this pesky issue. Baseball relies on a Supreme Court ruling from the 1930's stating that its league setup does not violate antitrust law per se. US law is based around precedent, and so all the MLB have done throughout their history is made sure this precedent remains in force, by means of numerous expensive court cases.

The NFL does not have this protection, so it came up with an even better way to avoid breaking the annoying laws. They sanctioned the creation of the NFL Players Association, a union for current and retired players, and then offered them a lot of money to waive their rights. Essentially, running a cartel is fine as long as the people you employ are cool with it. It's strange, but that is how the law works over there; it is an 'interesting' interpretation of the principle Volenti Non Fit Injuria ("To the willing, no harm is done") i.e. if you go and volunteer to drive a dangerous rocket car, you can't then sue the owner if you crash.

(The lesson here is: If you spend enough money on litigation and go through enough appeal courts, eventually some judge will give you some leeway. And you can then go through the entire process again to get a bit more. And so on.)

Naturally, this does mean that the players have a fair bit of leverage. The terms of the deal that the owners and the players agree to are outlined in a Collective Bargaining Agreement, or CBA. New ones are drawn up every 10 years or so; the league changes, and so the players and owners may want different things (better image rights to take advantage of social networking, higher salaries etc).

The owners ultimately have the 'final say', if not the power, as they are the employers. They end up having to pay out more money than they would like to keep the players on side, but this makes them more money in the long run.

So, what has currently happened is that the old CBA has expired. The players want better pensions and health insurance, and also better pay because they argued that the league had gotten bigger. There was a arduous debate, as there always is in matters like this, about the exact financial figures; profit margins and so on.

At the end of the day, the players didn't like what they were offered. They walked away. The owners then did the one thing left at their disposal; they told the players they couldn't play for their teams until they signed a new CBA (a 'Lockout').

Who is right and who is wrong is arbitrary, as both parties get pretty good deals out of the NFL league model. It is true that the owners are the ones investing their own money in the league. It is also true that they choose to do so, and that many low paid players don't get the good life others do.

What is clear is that until both sides agree to a new CBA, there is no NFL and hence no football on a Sunday night with Kevin Cable.

Will a deal get done? Yes, of course. Let's not forget that both sides make their money from playing football games, and losing parts of the upcoming season will lose them both money.

Right now, the draft will still go ahead but training camps etc will not. And if a new deal is not arranged, the incoming rookie class will find themselves on the street outside the stadium looking for work. They'd better hope they aren't drafted by Detroit...

Who wins out of the current limbo? Expensive lawyers of course! God bless.

GM