The Back Page: March 2011

Ah, you thought we'd gone quiet didn't you? No such thing. Quite simply, the rugby has been so depressing I can't face writing about it, there is nothing screaming out in the world of football that needs addressing and I promised I wouldn't write about the cricket World Cup. A promise I intend to break within the next couple of days, just as soon as I get a look at the highlights of Ireland's famous win over England today! So while you all rub your hands in anticipation for that which is sure to delight you, here's a look at the stories off the beaten track from last month:

The Leroy Rosenior Award for Briefest Tenure: An award that is shared this month. First of all, hats off to dear old Willie McStay at Ross County, who lasted just 9 games before being given the chop. But to be honest, if you can't keep out of trouble when one of the teams in your league gets docked 25 points, you deserve it! The second recipient is Gavin Henson, who turned up at Saracens after a long absence, danced a bit on the telly, played a few minutes of rugby and fucked off to Toulon. The whole thing lasted just six weeks.

The Ann Summers Award for most novel use of technology: This award goes to Steven Fletcher of Wolves and formerly (I suspect) of Scotland. The Carling Nations Cup has been thought up to make a little bit of money for the stretched associations of the home nations. Except England. Which rather defeats the purpose, seeing as all the Home Nations ever want to do is pump the English. Fletcher let Craig Levein know exactly how meaningful he thought the competition was by rejecting his national call-up via text message. Scotland beat Northern Ireland 3-0 by the way. What a shame it was the highlight of our sporting month!

The Old Firm Award for nonsensical application of religion: For Robert Kubica, the Renault F1 driver and those involved in his medical care after a horrendous rally crash in Italy. Specifically the monks in his native Poland who thought it was appropriate to send a drop of blood from the late Pope John Paul II to heal him. This after Kubica ditched his car into a church. He should be crucified were his bones not already full of nails.

The Michael Vick Award for ridding the world of useless animals: This goes to the electricians at Newbury race course. Animal rights groups sharpen their spears...

The Amateur Transplants Award for most offensive song: the Sri Lankan official Cricket World Cup song. This was dropped by broadcasters after it was found to contain lyrics thought to be offensive to other nations. Lines about "razing West Indian coconut trees", "melting snow on the mountains of India" and "giving bird food to kangaroos in Australia" apparently caused outrage. There wasn't even a line about shaking New Zealand to its core...

The Cheryl and Ashley Award for Lovers' Tiff: the Olympic Stadium battle. The battle of the Apprentice bosses. In the red corner, uber-feminist Karren Brady and West Ham. In the blue corner, Lord Alan Sugar and his beloved Spurs. Sugar regarded the decision to go with the Hammers as "weak and cowardly". How will he be able to look Brady in the eye now that his Spurs lost out. Something they did a lot of whilst he was the chairman!

Comedy moment of the month: This cracking own goal by Dale Bennett of Watford against Burnley:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3jAL8XLFtM&feature=related

Lookalike of the month: And you thought that this had gone forever as well! Well one man making the headlines this month was Joe Jordan, who stood up to Rino Gattuso of AC Milan and got a good nutting for his trouble. Goodness knows what would've happened if Jordan hadn't been restrained! Anyway, I spotted a similarity to another Scottish icon - it's Boaby the Barman from Still Game!

So let us see what March brings us - conclusion of the Six Nations, build-up to the NFL Draft, the Cricket World Cup starts to mean something, and I go on tour to Barbados. And BtC celebrates it's first anniversary. Happy days!

RM