Neymar: Storms, Teacups and German Tourists

I said I would try and get a lot more posts up, but obviously that hasn't happened so far. The problem is that I picked a bad week to start my pledge; there wasn't really that much sport to write about. Formula One started I suppose, but I have no interest in motor sports.

Helpfully though, sometimes a story comes out of the blue. And so the racism row following the Scotland Brazil game came to pass. To give a bit of background information, Scotland had arranged this game to be played at the Emirates Stadium in London, partly for economic reasons but mainly I suspect because Brazil couldn't be bothered travelling anywhere outside of the capital for a meaningless game. In spite of the location, a significant group of Scotland supporters was present, including a lot of our famed Tartan Army.

The atmosphere was widely reported to be friendly and 'like a party'. But according to whizz kid Neymar, starting up front for Brazil, things weren't so cheery. He complained that a banana had been thrown onto the pitch and that he had been subjected to racial abuse. Neymar combined the banana incident with the fact that "They were jeering me a lot, even when I was about to kick the penalty the entire stadium was jeering." to come to the conclusion that the Tartan Army and all the other Scotland fans were all a bunch of racists. Teammate Lucas, whose presence in the Brazil team can rightly be questioned by anyone not named Rafa Benitez, took things even further and suggested that the entire "First World" was still intrinsically racist.

Where to begin with responding to these claims? Firstly, it has transpired that the banana was thrown by a German tourist who admitted this to the Metropolitan Police. They are happy that there was no racial motive. So take away the banana, which admittedly has had racist connotations in the past at British football grounds, and all that Neymar is left with to support his racism allegation is the fact that the crowd booed him. I'll tell you why they booed you Neymar. It was because you are a diver and a cheat. Every contact, accidental or not, fair or not caused you to hit the ground like a sack of potatoes. Honestly, you lay there screaming so loudly and so often that a 3 month old baby would blush. I have absolutely no time for players like you, and it seems the rest of the stadium agreed with me. You have extreme talent but still choose to try and con the referee at every opportunity.

I noticed that none of the other coloured players in the Brazil team were booed at any stage. So unless Scottish people are very specific racists, I can't quite see where Neymar got the racism idea from. He has essentially confused hostility with racism. Whether he brings the hostility on himself due to his 'gamesmanship', or whether it is just a hostile stadium in general, Neymar is going to have to live with it. He is only 19, but he needs to mature quickly if he plans on improving at the high level he finds himself playing at. And to do that, he needs to stop bleating about people being nasty to him; it's part of his job to play in front of a crowd. Yes, if there actually was racism of any kind then he should not have to tolerate any of it, and it should be harshly dealt with. But on occasions such as this, where it was pretty obvious that the crowd were singling out him for abuse due to his on-field antics and not making monkey noises, or indiscriminately booing all the black players, then he cannot come out and cry 'Racism!' every time people boo him.

For one thing, crying wolf doesn't help when the wolf actually turns up. Neymar may well end up playing football somewhere where racism is a fact of life. Indeed, some of his teammates will have played in Russia and other countries where they have had to put up with these issues; it is demeaning to them for a 19 year old to belittle the problem by using it for his own means because he cannot accept the fact that some people do not like him.

Also, these allegations are slanderous to those accused, in this case the Scottish fans. I admit bias here, as I am a member of the Tartan Army myself, but for a fanbase and a group like the Army who have been highly praised by FIFA and UEFA for their committed work combatting racism, sectarianism and bigotry to be universally accused of these things is not helpful. Certainly, I have never witnessed or heard of any incident of racism involving a Scotland fan at any game, home or away, in my 14 years of supporting them. We have a earned a reputation for being respectful and friendly fans, and perhaps if a footballer such as Neymar were to take a step back and think about things before he made such serious allegations then it would be easier to identify any real issues if and when they arise.

GM

John Terry: The Tosser That Time Forgave

As the glorious first anniversary of Beyond the Cliche approaches, I am going to try and significantly up the number of posts created. In spite of what Ryan has just said, I think some quantity may now be in order.

So, where to start? Well, how about a quick criticism of the England national football team. After all, we give them too much of an easy ride here at BtC don't we!

John Terry has been reappointed captain of England, further stoking the media furore leading up to the Wales game; it is now akin to the boiler of a runaway train.

Why is Terry the captain? Because Rio Ferdinand is injured. Why was Rio made captain? Because Terry got himself sacked and there was quite literally nobody else to choose from. Seriously, they were down to having to pick between guys like Gareth Barry or Ashley Cole, the 'faceless mediocrities and complete bell ends' section of the squad.

How on earth can you be sacked from your job and then be given it back purely because you are deemed more of a leader than some pretty bad other options, in spite of the fact that you got your leadership experience doing the same job. And getting fired from it.

Nothing has changed in Terry's life between his dismissal and reappointment. He has done quite literally nothing to prove that he is more mature, or sensible, or capable of keeping it in his trousers. He was sacked for bringing the team into disrepute, but in no way does having to bring him back send any sort of negative message.

Terry is a prick. I don't care what he does in his private life so long as he follows the same rules as the rest of us (and doesn't, say, park in disabled parking bays because he is too lazy and feckless to walk 40 feet and subsequently hire lawyers to try and avoid paying the fines incurred). But he has been given a job that he has previously been found unsuitable for and incompetent at. I would image the men who designed the Fukoshima nuclear reactors will not be brought back to build the replacement ones when the radiation subsides...

And also, why does it even matter? That is what I hate about the hype over the reinstatement. As if it matters at all who is captain of England. Did it make a huge difference to the performance of the team at the last World Cup, and the one before that, and so on and so forth? Did it bring team unity and success? No, captain is a complete non-role. Nobody on the team respects the captain, mainly because nobody actually cares about anything other than their paycheck and media profile. He sets no positive example; indeed, he is usually as bad as the worst moaners, divers and cheats on his team. He is simply the one who the gaffer has given the armband to. Nothing more.

How much can you really care about that? Pathetic really.

I also have a bit of parting abuse lined up for my beloved Scottish Football Association. No, they are not the models of perfection you might think them to be!

Scotland have a moneyspinner friendly against Brazil coming up, to be played at the Emirates Stadium in London. To prepare for this, the SFA have seen fit to fly the squad to La Manga for pre-game training. Why?

What benefit is this to anyone? Flying the team to train at altitude before playing a match in Peru is fine, but why would training in the Spanish sun have any benefit to a match being played in Britain? And why have the SFA decided that this substantial investment on the training of our 3rd string internationals is justified? There are so many areas of football in Scotland that should be of a higher priority for investment that Henry McLeish wouldn't know where to start!

GM

It's A Knockout! Or: The CWC Actually Starts

Post No.200! Another milestone for BtC, the focus having very much shifted to quality over quantity these days - some things just aren't worth writing about. Which didn't stop the Guardian dedicating three of it's hallowed pages to the meaningless England vs Wales Euro 2012 qualifier. Although I did enjoy the fact that they had a big photo of Aaron Ramsey that spanned two of said pages, the divide being almost exactly at the point where his leg was broken. Sliding the pages about made for some interesting Shawcross-esque artwork. Anyway, I digress. You'll notice that sort of tangential thinking if you look back at the 199 previous posts!

The Cricket World Cup group stages are now over. Rejoice! Even the most ardent of fans couldn't stay with it loyally to its conclusion. And, despite England's wobbles against inferior opposition, the 8 teams expected to get through have got there. Why didn't we just start the tournament now, save everyone a month, and have a second tier competition for teams who blatantly aren't good enough to mix it with the big boys? That said, there were some pretty good moments from the early rounds. Ross Taylor's slow crawl to 60 before launching a stinging attack over cow corner on Pakistan's beleagured quick men to reach a quickfire unbeaten ton was my personal highlight. Which just pipped all the Indians getting so excited about Sachin Tendulkar's 99th international hundred, only for the bowlers to fail in the defence of 299 against the predictably hit-and-miss South Africa. Obviously Ireland had their big moment, as did Bangladesh as their tail defied England to record a memorable home victory. Only to be skittled in double figures twice, by the Windies and the predictably hit-and-miss Saffers. Other than that, let's move on, and just focus on the quarter finals:

Pakistan vs West Indies: Two sides who have a reputation for big hitting and possessing the ability to beat any side on their day. The perennial "dark horses" if you like. Except that the Windies haven't beaten any side of note in about 3 years. And don't really have a plan when it comes to structuring an innings with the bat - do they go for the big hitters of Gayle, Pollard and Sammy up the order or prefer to save the firepower for later and rely on accumulators like Sarwan, Chanderpaul and Devon Smith? Obviously the game situation will dictate affairs, but both strategies have been tested against quality opposition and both have been found wanting - maybe the battin lineup just isn't that good. To give them their dues, they have the edge in the bowling attack considering the conditions. Sulieman Benn has become a quality spin option to open with, attacking the stumps and making the batsmen play. Kemar Roach and Andre Russell are genuinely rapid and the new leg-spinner Bishoo has impressed some observers (although not me - I think he drops it too short. Consistency is so tricky for a leggie, they rarely become anything more than average). Compare to a Pakistan side without Shoaib Akhtar on all cylinders, and you have a fairly pedestrian and one-dimensional attack. But then there is always the Afridi factor. Not a great turner of the ball, just superb subtle variations in flight, pace and turn. Simple tricks done well for a spin bowler. And if he, Abdul Razzaq or Umar Akmal can fire with the bat, West Indies will struggle to come close.
Verdict - You never know with either batting lineup. Younis and Misbah provide more stability for Pakistan, so they get more of a platform and win in relative comfort and style.

India vs Australia - A match-up that everyone wanted to see - except in the final in Mumbai rather than a quarter-final in Motera. Both sides have a great pedigree and a big reputation. Both have failed to match it so far. Australia just lost their first World Cup match in 34 games last week against Pakistan and have flattered to deceive in previous matches. They failed to bowl Kenya out inside 50 overs and have looked bereft of ideas once Lee, Tait and Johnson have bowled out. That leaves at least 20 overs for opposition batsmen to get after the likes of Jason Krejza, Steve Smith and Shane Watson. And if any lineup could exploit such weakness, it'll be the Indians. What a time it would be for Sachin Tendulkar to score his 100th 100 in international cricket. The Little Master has been brilliant so far and has been backed up by a rejuvenated Yuvraj Singh, who has played with real responsibility to get the side over the line in some awkward situations. Sehwag, Yusuf Pathan and skipper MS Dhoni will also destroy a bowler's soul on their day. But then, what do India really offer with the ball? Zaheer Khan's class and Harbhajan keeps things tight without taking wickets and then you have a bunch of plodders and part-time spinners. The likes of Watson, Brad Haddin and a fully-fit Mike Hussey could make hay. And Ricky Ponting is really, really, REALLY due a score. So will probably get 3 again.
Verdict - It'll be a high-scoring match. The fervour of the crowd will finally work against India when they start getting dicked around the park. Australia by a whisker.

South Africa vs New Zealand - We all know who should win this one. But it's knockout cricket and SA tend to shit their pants in these situations. This time, they tell us, it'll be different. Graeme Smith is skippering the side for the last time after a distinguished service without much reward. The boys should get fired up to win something for him. And to be fair, most of them have stood up and performed at one point in the group stages - Amla, de Villiers and Duminy particularly displaying the necessary aptitude to bat on the subcontinent. Far removed from previous sides, the spinners have also played a role, Robin Peterson the surprising stand-out. And the ever threatening Dale Steyn still poses a problem, with a superb death spell against the Indians to keep the run chase manageable. NZ have had their moments, but have been blighted by injuries to their bowlers. Hamish Bennett, their quickest threat, has gone home with a calf strain and has been replaced by the less dangerous Daryl Tuffey. Old hands Dan Vettori and Kyle Mills are expected to play, but will be half-fit. All of the batsmen are capable, particularly Ross Taylor, but a lot will ride on which SA turns up
Verdict - Believe! South Africa to lay down a challenge to all the other teams with a big win. And then lose in the semis.

Sri Lanka vs England - Now let's make no bones about it, this game will be close. England don't do boring in this tournament. People will believe that a strong Sri Lankan outfit will sweep the inconsistent English aside and march on to the final. It actually might not happen. First of all, what if there is a batting collapse from the co-hosts? You've got Dilshan, Sangakkara and Jayawardene. Then what? Who can graft at 20-3 and go on to get you a ton? There is no-one at 5 of the calibre of Eoin Morgan. Angelo Mathews is a talented all-rounder, but cannot be relied on to provide 10 overs of seam up and dig the batsmen out of a hole. However, if the top order does fire and England continue to struggle early on with the new ball, they'll be tough to beat. England's seamers have been nothing short of godawful. However, Swann and Tredwell have more than enough nous to match the threat that Ajantha Mendis and the redoubtable Muttiah Muralitharan possess.
Verdict - It comes down to which spin department performs best. Sri Lanka have more experience of playing in the conditions of Colombo. They win.

RM

Les Francais Incroyable...

I'm writing about rugby again, but once again I'm avoiding Scotland (even though they did well today at Twickenham). Instead, the most memorable proceedings of this weekend came in the form of a humiliating French loss to Italy. And that is what I'm going to talk about now, hence the passable French used in the title.

The title says Les Francais Incroyable, but a better describtion of what happened to Les Bleus in Rome would be Les Fracais Incroyable (Francophobes, google translate it. Francais, n'est-ce pas genial?).

Their first loss to Italy in the history of the Six Nations, Saturday's showing was as contrasting a French performance to last years Grand Slam triumph as their involvement in World War One was to World War Two, or the Indo-China War, or the Algerian War, or the Hundred Years War, or the Franco-Prussian War. World War One being different, of course, due to the relative lack of national humiliation and the time spent doing things other than surrendering.

History doesn't lie (unless it is written by the church). It does seem that the French have mental strength constructed from glass. Some things are cliches and myths, but some are based on genuine fact. And I know what I saw on Saturday. And so I am using it as a sweeping judgement.

The French team were presumably present on the field during the game, but there was no evidence to show it. No spark of innovation, no shimmer of desire, none of the many responses that normal people would surely show when stuck taking a degrading beating from a theoretically inferior opponent. I really do wonder how a Frenchman would react to being mugged by a hoodie, or being trapped in a bank robbery with only police negotiator Denzel Washington to save them (sorry, I am watching a film called The Insider as I write. It's middle of the road). I reckon they would be as likely to give the criminal a bunch of flowers, or sit down and smoke, or nonchalantly stand stroking their genitals as they would be to fight back.

Getting back on track, the players were all very poor and didn't seem to care much about it. I have watched teams like South Africa have bad games, and they never look like they don't care; they storm around the pitch swearing and generally being angry, because they know that losing hurts. And they know that they used to be able to win, so why should they have to lose?

The French never display this in any sport. See the football World Cup for further proof (2010. And 2002. Plus Euro 2004 and 2008. And that's just this century!). How do you manage such a group of people? Are all Frenchmen like this, or does the indolence get worse as the talent level increases? I don't know. and I suspect only a French person really could. I do know that as a nation they are incredibly passionate about rugby as a sport, and that they demonstrate fanatical levels of hatred for local rivals. Perhaps this just does not translate to national unity and passion well. Perhaps they dislike each other's local identities so much they simply cannot buy into the traditional hyped up "Do it for your country! Honour the badge!" motivation.

All this still does not exclude coach Marc Lievremont from criticism. His histrionic response to the result was to call his players cowards, saying that they betrayed him. While I do like the line "Do you really think that I told them to play as they did?" and can definately back the argument that the manager is detatched from the actual play, his describing the pre-match training as "disgusting, appalling" is hypocritical; who ran the training Marc? And his line "I have done the rounds of the French players...I am having real trouble putting together a squad" is appaling. Fucking stop playing old shite players then! You have tons of players to choose from; try having to pick Nick De Luca every game for the past 6 years!

I started writing this piece earlier today and scribbled down a new team lineup. I have watched a fair bit of Top 14 this year, and there are a lot of guys that should be around the national side but aren't (I did, and still do, think that of Yoann Huget but he has been pretty pish now that he has played for France. Can't win them all!). Coach Marc chops and changes some players, but leaves others safely riding the gravy train. Sebastien Chabal, I'm looking at you! Even if you are rather nice in person. He and Nallet have been offering diminishing returns for some time now, and new blood should be brought in. On the other hand, a man like Harinordoquy who gives so much should never be dropped in any sane world. In the backs, reputations cannot get in the way of playing style, and Rougerie, Jauzion and Damien Traille just don't fit in. The halfbacks, Parra and Trinh-Duc, do though. So I've kept them in, but revamped the backline. These new additions should be put in place for the World Cup challenge ahead.

France team against Italy: Sylvain Marconnet, William Servat, Nicolas Mas, Julien Pierre, Lionel Nallet, Thierry Dusautoir, Julien Bonnaire, Sebastien Chabal, Morgan Parra, Francois Trinh-Duc, Vincent Clerc, Yannick Jauzion, Aurelien Rougerie, Yoann Huget, Maxime Medard.

My new look France team: Thomas Domingo, William Servat, Nicolas Mas, Julien Pierre, Yoann Maestri, Thierry Dusautoir, Alexandre Lapandry, Immanol Harinordoquy, Morgan Parra, Francois Trinh-Duc, Julien Arias, David Marty, Matthieu Bastareaud, Maxime Medard, Jerome Porical.

(Changes in bold)

A lot of the existing team is perfectly fine, the front row for example (typically, Lievremont always changes it anyway). Add in Sebastien Tillous-Bordes, Julien Dupuy. Alexis Palisson, Florian Fritz, Cedric Heymans, Louis Picamoles, Elvis Vermuelen and Damien Chouly and you have a large, younger and revamped squad. It is a World Cup year. Changing things here and now is prudent to see if the new lot of players will actually exhibit some fight when the going gets important. Porical, Marty and Chouly are all Perpignan players. They show a lot of spirit when playing for them; would they show the same when playing for Les Bleus? If not, then I guess it proves my earlier point about where French passions lie.

(Stop Press: Interestingly, Lievremont has just named a new squad for the Wales game. It is surprisingly similar to mine, albeit not as radical. Nevertheless, I am a bit worried that we seem to think alike!)

GM

Questions Needing Answered in Glasgow

I watched Question Time the other night. Before you all make judgements of me as a pretentious student desperate to earn a bit of social currency, let me explain further. The show was filmed in Edinburgh this week and touched upon one of the more controversial incidents in recent Scottish footballing history. Bearing in mind the numerous times our sports teams have managed to disgrace themselves recently, the Old Firm cup tie 10 days ago really did top the lot. And it's not going to be dealt with properly.

The question from the audience was this: "Should politicians be meddling in sporting matters and can Scotland's social problems be blamed solely on two football teams?" OK so the guy was taking liberties and asked two questions but the answers given by the panel were nothing short of astonishing. First up was journalist and broadcaster Nick Ferrari, who eulogised at great verbose length about the passion shown by the two teams, lamenting how the behaviour of the players in blue and green was so unlike that which would be found in English sports teams. And so essentially put a positive spin on a pretty unsavoury episode. To make light of the situation was pretty ignorant of the social issues that the players' behaviour contributes to - whilst not directly responsible, it doesn't half fan the flames.

Then we have Nicola Sturgeon MSP, the health secretary who qualified as an expert on the subject as Ibrox falls into her constituency. Poor lass, her job can't be all that easy! Anyway, her opinion on the matter was how sad the whole incident was, but that Rangers and Celtic are great sources of pride for both Glasgow and Scotland and had both done such sterling work in turning the tide against sectarianism. I'm not quite sure who she spoke to in order to come to that conclusion.

If politicians are to get involved in this situation, then they must stop burying their heads in the sand. This summit that has been called to discuss the impact that the Old Firm has upon domestic violence, secterianism and general unrest in Glasgow and beyond. As someone so wisely said to me in the aftermath of Celtic's 1-0 Scottish Cup victory, "Celtic and Rangers need to get over themselves, they're only 3.5 stars on FIFA". And therein lies the problem. The Old Firm have such an inflated sense of their own egos that the rivalry becomes that bit more intense because both sides and their fans feel that victory actually is worth something other than bragging rights. And the whole country, including the government, buys into it. The country stands still for an Old Firm game, the police presence is ramped up, the trash talking commences. This will never stop so long as the players continue to cause trouble. What reasons do they have to cause so much strife. Is Daniel Majstorovic a militant Catholic? Is El-Hadji Diouf a descendant of William of Orange? The geographical and social reasons that the fans have for hating one another (which really shouldn't stand in this day and age anyway) surely do not hold true for the 22 men on the park. The managers maybe, but McCoist and Lennon have been around long enough to not get involved in that sort of thing. It was idiotic and the touchline bans are well deserved.

There is no need for them to blow things so far out of proportion. They certainly shouldn't be ramping up the pressure to the extent they did last week. The issue of domestic violence is a different one entirely. This is something that happens behind closed doors and is probably a wider issue than reported. It is simply not acceptable in any way, let alone a sporting context. But if the government thinks that they can somehow change the hearts and minds of an entire city, they will find themselves neglecting the wider issues that Scotland currently faces.

So, in answer to the original question - politicians can be my guest and get involved in sport all they want. But they need to be realistic about the impact they can have - implementing sweeping changes will simply not be possible. As for pinning the blame on the Old Firm for Scotland's social problems - I don't buy it. These problems would exist no matter what, a football match is just an excuse for them to rear their ugly head.

Cue rapturous audience applause
RM

Like A Mad Octopus: The State of Scottish Rugby This Month

Ryan has been trying to avoid writing about the convoluted cricket World Cup, and has now failed. I empathise with him though, as I have been trying to avoid writing about rugby for the best part of two months now. Evidently, I too have now failed. I did warn you all, back in December, that this time of year would be hard for the Scottish game. Irrespective of Six Nations performance, the fact is that all our best players are involved in it. And when the best players are removed from the Glasgow and Edinburgh sides, they struggle. Boy do they struggle.

Edinburgh (10th in Magners League) have ended up sacking their coach, the persistant Borderer Rob Moffit. For a man who has been ever present in some capacity in Scottish club rugby since its inception, I can neither take away his right to have held the job nor praise him for his achievements. He earned his chance, he tried and he failed. Fine. Nick Scrivenor, an Aussie who was defense coach under Moffit, is the interim boss and has started off by losing his first four games. Three of these in a row were tricky away games, to Munster, the Dragons and the Scarlets (the fourth loss was at Murrayfield to Cardiff). Not brilliant, but not surprising. I was actually impressed by the Burgh's showing at Thormond Parks against the Munstermen. They were tied at half time and could have won. Sadly, Glasgow were in the exact same situation there earlier this year. And guess what; they lost too!

Edinburgh seem to have a far greater number of youngsters in their squad to blood. Whether they will be any good is up to fate, but Dave Denton, Stuan Dewar, Lewis Niven and Stuart McInally have all played roles so far this year. It certainly seems that Edinburgh is favoured by the SRU when it comes to doling out our young talent. Perhaps this will be good for the future; we could see McInally, Denton and Alex Blair forming the spine of a pretty good side. I can always hope!

Glasgow (11th in the league). Oh Glasgow. How Dan Parks looks so alluring sitting there on the Cardiff bench. The current team plus Kelly Brown and Parks were semi-finallists last year let's not forget. And this year they would be bottom were it not for the slightly comical efforts of new boys Aironi. Glasgow have lost to Connacht twice for fucks sake. I would really question the policy the Warriors seem to be adhering to with regards signing up journeymen like Aramburu, Muldowney and Ryder, who cannot deliver any improvement in results when they are left to run the show.

Young Melrose fullback Stuart Hogg has started the past two games (home draw versus Dragons, heavy away loss versus Ospreys). Other younglings Finlay Gillies of Currie and Nick Campbell of Hawks seen bench action of late. Perhaps this should be a more permenant fixture in the Glasgow setup. Split the young Scottish talent up into two groups. Edinburgh can offer more integrated training opportunities to one group, keeping them training with each other and giving them first team minutes. Glasgow can let their allocated group play regularly for Premier One teams, and call them up when needed or when deserved. In both cases, the aim is near-constant exposure to good quality, competitive rugby environments. The Premier clubs are pretty much shunned by the current system. Perhaps this scheme, coupled with suitable financial compensation, would involve them more and also do wonders to improving coaching quality.

(Note to SRU: I claim intellectual rights to that idea. If you want to use it, give me a job.)

The National Side

Let's not talk about this just now...

Oh, fuck it. Why not man up and get it over with? Like getting teeth extracted, or a rectal exam.

France game: Showed much more promise in attack, but still failed to nail down issues such as lack of support runners, offloading in contact and quick ball generation through the forwards. Defensively, we were average and we made far too many mistakes, which a French side that hinsight shows to be pretty mundane were able to exploit.

Wales game: Pathetic inability to execute any part of our gameplan, assuming we bothered to make one up. Slow ball all day, no penetration of the Welsh line at any stage. Fringe defense and open field tackling terrible. Dan Parks was abominable, kicking away possession it took extremes of time and effort to come by. Going to this game was undoubtedly the most futile and forlorn way to spend a weekend in Edinburgh, save searching for love and consolation at City afterwards .

Ireland game: The boys got some praise for the close 18-21 scoreline, but in my view this was as bad as the Wales game, if not worse due to its context; bringing the passion back to Murrayfield were you lads? The Irish were in the main tripe. They basically spent the entire second half trying to gift us a win, and for most of the first they kicked us back the ball without fail. And yet we failed to break the line once in the entire game save one Max Evans burst. They gave us 12 straight arm penalties and 7 minor ones and we still couldn't put them to bed or score a try. The defense for both Irish tries was as bad as some of the Matt Williams stuff; genuinely, you wouldn't see under 18's defend their line as badly as for the first try. Interestingly, Nigel Owens chose this game to make his theatrical debut, prancing around like he was the main attraction, not speaking to the Irish even after 8 penalties, not carding O'Callaghan in spite of his 4 penalties and giving Jacobsen a card for nothing. But even without him, we would have still lost.

Lad Awards for February (January was shit, believe me!)

The Internationals will get the praise this month. Club standouts have been Colin Gregor and DTH Van Der Merwe for Glasgow, and Netani Talei, Jim Thompson and David Blair of Edinburgh (Blair mainly for playing every minute of every game)

Most Laddish Forward: Richie Gray
Most 'Laddish' Back: Sean Lamont
Phil Godman Award for Uselessness: Headliners Ross Ford, Euan Murray and Nick De Luca. Supporting acts John Barclay, Hugo Southwell and Richie Vernon
LAD of the Month(s): Sean Lamont for shouting a lot

GM (with thanks the the great Bill McLaren for providing the title)

English Eyes Are Frowning

As promised, I have cracked after less than two weeks. To be fair though, if you're going to talk about the never-ending Cricket World Cup group stages, you might as well do it about one of the most remarkable upsets in the game's history. Here are the simple facts: it was the highest successful run-chase in the history of the World Cup, we saw the fastest World Cup hundred of all-time by a man with pink hair and we witnessed yet another shambles from the England bowling and fielding unit in this tournament. The opposition? Ireland. Chasing down 328 with 3 wickets and 5 balls remaining is tough at the best of times. When you find yourself 111-5 as an Associate nation, it becomes nigh on impossible. England were 1-2000 to win the game at that point. Anyone who had a flutter on the Irish is probably cackling to themselves on their way to somewhere exotic right now.

First of all, we should start with the Irish batting performance. It was, quite simply, magnificent. Even though it wasn't the top order who got all the runs, they more than played their part after losing captain William Porterfield first ball. From that point they attempted to dictate terms to the English pacemen and largely succeeded. Ed Joyce, England's opener in the 2007 World Cup, played an anchoring role and allowed Paul Stirling and Niall O'Brien to play their natural game and keep their team up with the substantial run rate. It was a high-risk strategy that looked like it had backfired when Graeme Swann found some lovely purchase from the pitch to pick up 3 quick wickets. But that was where England's joy ended. For in walked Kevin O'Brien, his usually ginger hair now pink, along with Alex Cusack, a late injury replacement. And boy, did O'Brien go for it. No bowler was spared the punishment, predominantly hitting over extra cover or through midwicket, but also managing some lovely deflections off his legs when the likes of Stuart Broad invariably bowled leg-side deliveries. And Cusack... well he just let O'Brien get on with it, accumulating slowly and quietly, only breaking out a few lusty blows of his own when his partner began to tire. 162 runs came for the 6th wicket and by the time Cusack was run out, England were on their knees and the game was all but won.

Cusack takes a lot of credit for the supporting role in this piece, and rightly so. But for me, the unsung hero of the hour was John Mooney. His batting was crucial - as O'Brien's boundaries eventually dried up after his 100 was brought up off 50 balls. England's death bowlers consistently failed to find the blockhole once again, and Mooney was more than happy to give himself some room and see the side over the line with a crucial unbeaten 34, containing 6 late boundaires. However, his bowling at the end of England's innings must also be creditted. 4-63 was his career best, and the wickets came after Jonathan Trott and Ian Bell had assembled a seemingly unbreakable partnership. In the end, just 33 runs came in the last 5 overs, as Mooney got the ball on the spot and proved very difficult to get away for big runs. Had he failed, England would easily have got to 350, a target that even O'Brien would have struggled to get the side to.

And so to England, the main reason I felt compelled to write this piece. Not necessarily about the performance either. Needless to say, it was pretty awful and not totally unexpected given the jittery way they had gone about their business in the field thus far this tournament. I was more concerned about the reaction of my fellow cricket fans and their astonishing lack of foresight and hindsight.

"What are the selectors doing - drop Collingwood and Anderson now!" was one reaction. "This team is terrible and needs sorting out NOW" was another. What's with the hysteria? The fact is that 10 out of the 11 playing yesterday (odd one out - Michael Yardy) played a role in the Ashes series Down Under. The side was exulted from up high as one of England's greatest ever. And yet here we are. Professional sportsmen are allowed a bad day at the office. Just as we students are allowed the odd day rocking up to a lecture with a slight hangover. It doesn't make them any less of a cricketer, just one who needs to bounce back on Sunday against South Africa (who look ominous by the way, which probably means a dramatic semi-final exit at the hands of the Australians is on the cards). Not only were the demands for sweeping changes a bit disrespectful, the replacements suggested were also ludicrous. Fine, Bopara in for Yardy, I can see that. But Kieswetter or Davies for Prior? Not a chance.

I'm a Somerset fan and I've seen enough of Craig Kieswetter to know that he's a talented lad. But right now, his technique is not suited to the longer form of the game at international level and his keeping is nowhere near the standard of Prior's. Steven Davies, whilst I totally respect the things he's said in the media this week, has yet to capitilise on the opportunities he's been given. Prior has not yet made any runs in the World Cup, but he always plays the situation and has come in when England have got big runs and need to push on at a good clip. That he got out playing a big shot early on indicates a selfless cricketer - if England were 100-5, he would graft and play sensibly before accelerating. The younger alternatives do not have that maturity.

I can see where people are coming from with Collingwood - he hasn't made big runs in any form for England in a long long time. However, he still has a key role to play in this side in the short-term (he should certainly think about packing it all in soonish). The case in point being the run chase against Holland. Chasing 290-odd, everyone had got themselves in and then out again. Not Colly, who played some clever shots late on in tandem with Ravi Bopara to get the side over the line reasonably comfortably in the end and save face (for the time being). He can still hit a long ball at the death, as proven yesterday, and his medium pace off-cutters bring balance to the side and allow them the luxury of another batsman. Jimmy Anderson is a different matter - he is simply a class bowler not finding the pitches of the subcontinent to his liking just now. He should not be dropped for the plain fact that he always is a match-winning threat - a couple of dodgy spells does not change that. Ajmal Shahzad and James Tredwell, the bowling alternatives available, do not offer such pedigree. Chris Tremlett, travelling reserve in case of injury, would probably struggle even more on these wickets.

My message is this - don't panic! There are still three group games left and England have batted well so far. The bowling unit will improve as they become more used to the conditions (remember - England arrived latest at the tournament due to the epic tour Down Under) and the fielders have a point to prove. Let us not take the gloss off a magnificent Ireland performance by apportioning blame and hanging responsibilities on individuals who, although culpable, deserve an awful lot better.

RM

The Back Page: March 2011

Ah, you thought we'd gone quiet didn't you? No such thing. Quite simply, the rugby has been so depressing I can't face writing about it, there is nothing screaming out in the world of football that needs addressing and I promised I wouldn't write about the cricket World Cup. A promise I intend to break within the next couple of days, just as soon as I get a look at the highlights of Ireland's famous win over England today! So while you all rub your hands in anticipation for that which is sure to delight you, here's a look at the stories off the beaten track from last month:

The Leroy Rosenior Award for Briefest Tenure: An award that is shared this month. First of all, hats off to dear old Willie McStay at Ross County, who lasted just 9 games before being given the chop. But to be honest, if you can't keep out of trouble when one of the teams in your league gets docked 25 points, you deserve it! The second recipient is Gavin Henson, who turned up at Saracens after a long absence, danced a bit on the telly, played a few minutes of rugby and fucked off to Toulon. The whole thing lasted just six weeks.

The Ann Summers Award for most novel use of technology: This award goes to Steven Fletcher of Wolves and formerly (I suspect) of Scotland. The Carling Nations Cup has been thought up to make a little bit of money for the stretched associations of the home nations. Except England. Which rather defeats the purpose, seeing as all the Home Nations ever want to do is pump the English. Fletcher let Craig Levein know exactly how meaningful he thought the competition was by rejecting his national call-up via text message. Scotland beat Northern Ireland 3-0 by the way. What a shame it was the highlight of our sporting month!

The Old Firm Award for nonsensical application of religion: For Robert Kubica, the Renault F1 driver and those involved in his medical care after a horrendous rally crash in Italy. Specifically the monks in his native Poland who thought it was appropriate to send a drop of blood from the late Pope John Paul II to heal him. This after Kubica ditched his car into a church. He should be crucified were his bones not already full of nails.

The Michael Vick Award for ridding the world of useless animals: This goes to the electricians at Newbury race course. Animal rights groups sharpen their spears...

The Amateur Transplants Award for most offensive song: the Sri Lankan official Cricket World Cup song. This was dropped by broadcasters after it was found to contain lyrics thought to be offensive to other nations. Lines about "razing West Indian coconut trees", "melting snow on the mountains of India" and "giving bird food to kangaroos in Australia" apparently caused outrage. There wasn't even a line about shaking New Zealand to its core...

The Cheryl and Ashley Award for Lovers' Tiff: the Olympic Stadium battle. The battle of the Apprentice bosses. In the red corner, uber-feminist Karren Brady and West Ham. In the blue corner, Lord Alan Sugar and his beloved Spurs. Sugar regarded the decision to go with the Hammers as "weak and cowardly". How will he be able to look Brady in the eye now that his Spurs lost out. Something they did a lot of whilst he was the chairman!

Comedy moment of the month: This cracking own goal by Dale Bennett of Watford against Burnley:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3jAL8XLFtM&feature=related

Lookalike of the month: And you thought that this had gone forever as well! Well one man making the headlines this month was Joe Jordan, who stood up to Rino Gattuso of AC Milan and got a good nutting for his trouble. Goodness knows what would've happened if Jordan hadn't been restrained! Anyway, I spotted a similarity to another Scottish icon - it's Boaby the Barman from Still Game!

So let us see what March brings us - conclusion of the Six Nations, build-up to the NFL Draft, the Cricket World Cup starts to mean something, and I go on tour to Barbados. And BtC celebrates it's first anniversary. Happy days!

RM