When Worlds Collide

Beyond the Cliche in "going political" shocker! After Graeme rightly panned the Americans for being morons getting above their stations, giving quite literal meaning to the banal "sport is bigger than life and death" comparison, here we have a bit on the unrest in the Middle East. In a sporting context obviously.

Yes, it's the money-spinning return of Formula 1 and the continued brilliance of head honcho Bernie Ecclestone in failing to see the bigger picture. Let me put this in a bit of personal context. My wee brother was in Bahrain last week. That he managed to get out and return home safely is of infinitely more importance than starting the new F1 season in the right place and at the right time. On the face of it, it would appear that Ecclestone is taking the right approach, preaching caution, warning that the Grand Prix might have to be cancelled and "waiting to see" how the political situation develops before making any further decisions. But then you look back and see how Bernie has run the sport over the last few years and his true motives become clearer. If there was no ulterior motive, the Bahrain Grand Prix would be cancelled in a heartbeat. In fact, there would not even be a Bahrain Grand Prix. The simple reason being that it's a rubbish racetrack - there are very few exciting or iconic turns, very few passing opportunities and very few true Formula One fans in the country. You can't even spray champagne on the podium. It is a typical example of the soulless new Formula One that Ecclestone has created - removing all of the tradition of the sport at the expense of expanding to new states with lots of money to throw at him.

This whole situation is so dangerous for outsiders. Be it Tunisia, Egypt, Libya or Bahrain - Westerners just need to stay away. The violent protests and police responses are against governments who are considered corrupt and lacking in democracy. There is much resentment towards the West for their settled political situations and, more pertinently, the way that their leaders have jumped into bed with the aforementioned corrupt dictatorships to advance their own causes, be it for oil, tourism or sport/money (cough, Qatar 2022, cough). Now let us take a look at the make-up of Formula One as a sport. Ah yes, it's Western rich boys and their Western support staff. Jenson Button got targetted before the grand prix in Interlagos, Brazil last year. You can bet your last penny that somebody associated with Formula One in some capacity will be targetted if the situation does not settle down and Ecclestone decidesto roll into town anyway. Which is what I fear he will do.

So here is my message for you Bernie: show that you have a heart. Protect those who have no choice but to put their faith in you and call the whole thing off - not just for the safety of those involved in Formula One, but out of respect for those affected by recent events. You have a chance to do the right thing rather than the lucrative thing for a change. Maybe you could even donate some of your sizeable fortune to the overstretched medical services, unnecessarily called into action by the violence.

And, for once, I'm not joking. Life and death is so much more important than sport.
RM

American Idiots

The United States has always had a way of thinking that baffles the rest of us. Most of them seem to believe that the less they know about the rest of the world the better, and the more ridiculous their beliefs and actions the better. 'American Exceptionalism' is what they call this 'philosophy' (see dogma/idiotic, arrogant rambling).

Denying climate change, espousing intervention in any and all global situations in spite of professing to neither know nor care about anyone un-American, being unable to point to Iraq on a map in spite of the fact their own children were stationed there (sadly a true story. More of the people asked managed to believe Australia was Iraq than Iraq itself. The map had place names on it), believing their country to somehow be the best democracy and society in the history of anything while forgetting that they racially segregated black people for almost all of their history and only after much procrastinating gave them equal rights in 1964 (America's Civil Rights record is a travesty that everyone conveniently forgets. Even in the sacred Constitution, a black man is precisely defined as "worth three fifths of a white"). These are all some of my favourite bugbears about America. Hell, a majority of Americans believe that "if Jesus were alive today, he would be an American"!

So that is the context for this. Only in the USA could something as insignificant as fantasy baseball be taken this seriously.

http://sports.espn.go.com/fantasy/baseball/flb/story?page=mlbdk2k11_manifesto

The man who wrote this article is employed by ESPN just to write about fantasy sports games. And he isn't alone; there are 8 of them for crying out loud!

GM

Will Tottenham Spur Italian Improvement?

Well done to Spurs for their Milanese success last night but, for all their good football, Spurs' main achievement in Europe this year has been as a banana skin for Italian sides.

First my lot Inter were blitzed into a humiliating second place finish in the group stages. I don't know which result was more pathetic; the loss at White Hart Lane or conceding 3 second half goals to ten man Spurs and narrowly winning 4-3. Inter were abominable for the first half of the season, costing Rafa Benitez the job he hardly deserved to hold.

And now it is AC Milan's turn to be humiliated. Losing 1-0 at home in the knockout stages of the Champions League, against the 4th seeded English team, is unacceptable, full stop.

I have no problem with Tottenham performing well. It is heartening to see new blood on the European scene (they do, admittedly, have more money than most European league champions). But for them to have triumphed over the reigning European and Serie A champions and the current Italian league leaders is a travesty for Italian football, and the traditions of these two clubs.

It has got to the stage where people don't even bother to hate teams like Milan, as I spent my childhood doing. They were slow, they dived and time wasted, they had Pippo Inzaghi- it wasn't difficult to dislike them. Now, people don't even have an opinion on one of Europe's greatest sides, a side that won two Champions League trophies in the past decade.

On 5 Live call in after the match, a 'die hard Spurs fan' called Jeff referred to "the bloke that headbutted Joe Jordan". Yeah, that bloke Gennaro Gattuso. A two time European champion and World Cup winner. For fucks sake, he's not just some bloke you tosser. Who the fuck are you?


The simple truth is than no-one is following Italian football anymore. Sky only show Barcelona these days, and even most ESPN subscribers can't be bothered to watch their wide selection of Calcio (or German or Dutch football for that matter). This in itself is a shame, as Italian football is probably the most culturally interesting in the world. It seems that only my dad and I, with our slightly middle-class fixation with all things Italian, appreciate it any more.

Nobody watches Italian football because, compared to it's historical precedent, it is boring and low quality. It is simply not anywhere near the level it was at even five years ago, which was hardly it's greatest hour. The distance between Italian clubs now and in 2001-2002, arguably the finest league season ever, is about as great as the distance from my house in Scotland to the villa I'm going on holiday to in Abruzzo.

AC and Inter still have lots of money. They just seem startlingly unconcerned about their declining fortunes. AC haven't bothered to rejuvinate their side for 9 years, preferring to add occasional show pony's here and there to stave off chronic team arthritis.

And yet, the addition of two 'mercurial' (cough, ahem) strikers, Robinho and Zlatan Ibrahimovic, has been more than enough to take Milan to the top of Serie A. Yes, it really is that bad; Ibrahimovic can win you the league simply by turning up it seems.


How bad are Inter? Very, very bad. How bad are Roma? Abysmal. How bad are Juventus? Pretty bad, but they are so unbearably boring it's hard to notice. They make the 2003 Champions League final losers look like Brazil 1970.

Results come in peaks and troughs, and perhaps Serie A will rise up again soon. After all, the Bundesliga was terrible for 20 years but has gotten better simply by maintaining strong crowds (incidently, this is another area that many Italian sides are failing in). But, at the risk of perpetuating the old order and stagnating progress, the very top teams in Europe should be immune to the overall fortunes of their domestic leagues. AC and Inter, Real and Barca, Bayern and Man United and Ajax and Anderlecht; they should all be able to uphold their reputations.

Instead, they are losing to goals by Peter Crouch. Is the old order such a bad thing really?

GM

Scotland vs Wales - the Live Blog

4:35pm - Afternoon one and all. After thoroughly enjoying the Superbowl live blog last weekend, I thought I'd give another one a go. However, unlike on Sunday I cannot guarantee an unbiased approach - in fact, it's just not going to happen a) because it's Scotland and b) because I hate the Welsh. Even the most hardy thick-skinned Welshmen will probably be offended by this blog at some point. I don't really care. After the horror and misery of last year, any sympathy I could ever have for that shower is well and truly out of the window. I'd fancy a bout of revenge today.

4:40pm - Aaaarrrggghh! The BBC would start with last year's game wouldn't they? I still have no idea why Mike Blair didn't boot the ball into orbit. Jonathan Davies' voice still goes through me like a knife. Funnily enough, I saw the Scotland boys in training this morning. Outside the student union. Great to see but ever so slightly bizarre. Robbo's men look up for this. But no Richie Gray could be a big factor in this game, after he was so inspirational in defeat to the French last weekend.

4:50pm - Tributes fittingly paid to Scotland's Thom Evans, whose career was cruelly cut short in THAT game last year (last time I refer to it unless gloating later on). Now the spotlight falls on Welsh stand-off James Hook, totally inexperienced in that position on this stage. We'll see how he fares. Scotland line-up as follows: Southwell, Walker, Ansbro, De Luca, Evans, Parks, Lawson, Jacobson, Ford, Murray, Kellock, Hines, Brown, Barclay, Vernon. Wales line-up: A bunch of sheepshaggers, leek farmers, close harmony choir singers and tosspots. The only ones I acknowledge are skipper Matthew Rees and scrum-half Mike Phillips. Because they're in my fantasy team. No other reason. Teams are out.

4:58pm - Time for the anthems. One of the reasons I hate the Welsh is that they all think they're amazing singers. As the camera pans along the team, it's pretty clear they can't. Don't get me started on their signposts. The crowd are out of time with the band - inexcusable. What a dreary anthem. Now let's sing about kicking the English...

5:01pm - OK so we may have been a touch out of time too, but we don't profess to be amazing singers. Let's get this on! How I wish I was there - tickets just too expensive for a poor student!

4 MINS - A slow start - Scotland win their first lineout, Wales lose theirs. Scotland looking slightly the more adventurous but a lot of kicking from hand thus far. First scrum for Scotland after a Welsh knock-on

7 MINS - Scotland 0 Wales 7 - Shane. Fucking. Williams. James Hook silences the critics with a great bit of creativity and Williams finds the gap to run through for the try. Question marks over the Scottish tackling and indeed that scrum, which was comprehensively lost to set up the move. Hugo Southwell's kicking looks terrible already.

12 MINS - The old handling errors are returning to haunt Scotland, as first Jacobson and then Lawson knock on in decent positions. Penalty to Wales after a daft offside - Hook squeezes it in. Scotland 0 wales 10. Jonathan Davies' voice is grating already. Can the BBC not afford someone who actually has a fair grasp of the English language?

18 MINS - It's a horrible, horrible start for the hosts. The words "false dawn" appear to be relevant in this situation. Error strewn and bereft of ideas, the defense creaks until Ford comes in from the side and Hook kicks another penalty to take the Welsh tally to 13. Lee Byrne goes for a high ball and gets clattered by Southwell. Davies reckons it should be a yellow through those daffodil-tinted spectacles of his, but quite frankly the first contact is a boot in Southwell's face from the cheating, diving bastard Byrne. Lamont comes on for a bloodied Wisden as the penalites continue to stream in for the visitors. Scotland 0 Wales 16

23 MINS - Bradley Davies in the bin for Wales. Phillips misses a high ball and Sean Lamont bursts through into the 22. Davies kicks the ball away, Scotland go for the corner and attempt to drive

27 MINS - Dirty Welsh down to 13 as Byrne clotheslines Max Evans. Scotland need points now. Davies continues to bleat about the Southwell foul. The man needs to get a grip. Or a hobby. The Welsh hold firm against a Scottish onslaught. If Scotland don't get 10 points before half time there's no hope.

31 MINS - Parks gets Scotland on the board after Dan Lydiate holds on in the ruck. Scotland 3 Wales 16. Another burst from Lamont almost takes Scotland over the line but the move breaks down after Ansbro gets given a poor pass which he can't haul in. Bradley Davies returns.

37 MINS - Opportunity wasted as only 3 points added in the sin bin period. Just so many errors. I'm sorry I can't be more witty today. This performance just isn't funny. The only saving grace is that Livingston won 3-0 to extend their lead at the top of the league in the football!

HALF-TIME - Finally an effective Scottish scrum as Craig Mitchell infringes to give Scotland a late penalty. Which Parks almost totally screws up, sliding on his arse (it's a dry day in Edinburgh, believe me). Quite simply, an awful display from Scotland. Dominated in the scrum and at the breakdown and continually shooting themselves in the foot with their handling errors. Scotland 3 Wales 16.

5:59pm - Right, I've gone off to fry some chicken to help myself get over that first half and possibly inspire Joe Ansbro to hold onto the ball. Will it be the Robbo roasting or the strains of Loch Lomond at Murrayfield that inspires the turnaround?

45 MINS - Looks like Southwell won't be returning. Lee Byrne seems to be the catalyst for self-inflicted Scottish injuries. Remember Geoff Cross two years ago? The errors continue - Scotland just do not look like scoring.

48 MINS - The thought occurs that Wales actually haven't been that good today. It's a pretty dour affair, the visitors just took their chances when they were presented to them. Al Kellock takes a nasty one from Phillips, but seems OK to continue for the time being. Pretty bad-tempered game this one.

53 MINS - It appears that Dan Parks is back to his old self. And that's not a good thing. After 17 phases of hard graft and slow progress, Parks eventually decides to play an unnecessary and poor cross-field kick which falls safely into Welsh hands. A waste of good momentum - when do we ever put 17 phases together without dropping the ball?

58 MINS - Eventually a spell of Scottish pressure tells in the scrum and Parks gets the scoreboard moving again. Scotland 6 Wales 16

64 MINS - A heroic last-ditch tackle from Lamont on Jamie Roberts as Wales pick up on a loose ball to break free. It really is a great bit of defensive play but it's a Welsh penalty all the same. 3 instead of 7. 19-6

69 MINS - Lamont found wanting that time, as there is so much space for Shane Fucking Williams to continue to torture Scotland. Walker's pass was so awful, Jonathan Davies picked it up and found the space for Williams to run into and score. It's the stuff of nightmares now. Stephen Jones misses the conversion. The other Jonathan Davies climaxes in the commentary box. My hand really hurts from whacking the wall. 24-6.

77 MINS - It's all very well winning Autumn tests and summer tours. But we really need to start showing up at the Six Nations. This has just been woeful - there can be no comfort drawn from this inevitable defeat. The Robinson Revolution has well and truly stalled.

FULL TIME - Scotland 6 Wales 24. Sam Warburton wins Man of the Match. You could say that it's been bread and butter for Wales! They're still not a good team but Scotland just didn't show up. Far too many errors. I certainly will not be going out tonight with all the Welsh buggers around. I'll just hit somebody. At least Take Me Out's on and I kept my cash in my pocket rather than forking out for a ticket to that shite. Goodbye!

Editor's note: Graeme shot himself in the head with a big shotgun around the 35 minute mark...

RM

Home and Away: Wrapping It Up

We're done! The England players are back at home, the tour Down Under is finished. That's the good news. The bad news is that they leave in 3 days for the subcontinent, for 7 weeks of banal 50-over cricket and runny shits. That, of course, is assuming they last all 7 weeks - the signs have not been good of late in the Australia series, eventually going down 6-1, a repeat dose of the series immediately after the 2009 triumph. And what's worse, is that the team are well and truly on their knees with injuries after an arduous tour. Eoin Morgan, a talisman in the past, is out with a broken finger. Swann, Broad, Shahzad, Bresnan and Collingwood are all currently half-fit. None of this is ideal preparation for a World Cup. But then, being such a long process, there is nothing to say that they cannot slowly rebuild the momentum they had over the summer. Let's quickly take a look at those last few ODIs and be done!

5th ODI (Brisbane) - Australia 249 (49.3 overs) (Clarke 54 off 74, Woakes 10-0-45-6) beat England 198 (45.3 overs) by 51 runs

6th ODI (Sydney) - Australia 334-8 (49.2 overs) (Clarke 82 off 70, Johnson 57 off 59, Watson 51 off 34) beat England 333-6 (50 overs) (Trott 137 off 126, Strauss 63 off 69) by 2 wickets with 4 balls remaining

7th ODI (Perth) - Australia 279-7 (50 overs) (Voges 80* off 72, D Hussey 60 off 60) beat England 222 (44 overs) (Yardy 60* off 76) by 57 runs.

So yeh, it doesn't look that good. England fail with the bat twice chasing modest totals on good pitches and then the one time their batting does actually fire, their bowlers cannot defend a massive score and throw away a winning position. But let us reflect on the positives, aside from the fact the tour is over:

First of all, we have the batting star of the series - Jonathan Trott. He really has become the No.3 that England have always wanted on this tour. And he has made the transformation playing his way. He hasn't hit a mountain of boundaries (just 11 in that magnificent 137 for example) and does not hit the ball with a great deal of power, but instead manoevures into the gaps and runs hard between the wickets. When the others are in form, the likes of Pietersen, Prior and now Bopara, will be able to play their natural aggressive games around him, safe in the knowledge that he will stay in there for the long haul, not giving his wicket away and keeping the scoreboard ticking over. His early international record is now nothing short of phenomenal.

The positives on bowling - the emergence of young Chris Woakes. He signalled his maturity in the 1st T20, with a match-winning knock with the bat, when all around him had seemingly failed and followed it up with a spirited performance with the ball in Brisbane. He is neither as quick or as swingy as James Anderson, but that will hopefully come with time. For now, he bowls in a good area and keeps batsmen honest. There was nothing spectacular about any of his 6 wickets in that game (2nd best figures of all time for an Englishman in ODIs) but the overall effect of the spell was pure brilliance. He slightly blotted his copybook in Sydney, where he was expensive at the beginning and, more crucially, at the death of the innings, but then he was far from the only one on that night and is probably a stronger man for the experience. Time will tell how good he can be.

The deficits have been well documented. They have been talked about before and will probably be talked about again in the near future. So I'm not going to bother. Most of you can now breathe a sigh of relief.

It's all over!
RM

Superbowl XLV - The Live Blog

10pm: So here we are again! After 17 weeks of regular season games, 3 weeks of postseason and... er... the Pro Bowl, we have reached the climax of another NFL season. This time the action is from Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, Texas and features the Pittsburgh Steelers against the Green Bay Packers. Sky Sports have just got underway, with the obligatory operatic montage to start things off. Poor old Kevin Cadle has drawn the short straw and is in the studio. Oh shit, the Black Eyed Peas are doing the halftime show and Christina Aguilera is doing the anthem. That'll take about a fortnight then.

10:10pm: Apparently 8 million tonnes of guacamole are consumed during Superbowl weekend. How on earth do you find so many ripe avocados at one time? Jeff Reinebold is STILL going on about how great former pupil Emmanuel Sanders is. Sanders returns the favour, turning this game into one big love-in. Which the biggest sporting show on earth should certainly not be! And I swear Cecil Martin's had a stroke - his left side doesn't appear to be moving! Just in case regular BtC readers are wondering, this live blog lark is just an experiment for the major sporting events. I was going to do it for the start of the Ashes, but there were 10 other lads around me, so I couldn't really find the focus! But I'll be here until the small hours tonight!

10:20pm: Just for the record, I'm backing the Packers tonight, mainly because they won the game of Madden I played earlier in the week. Sky have done some wide shots of the Cowboys Stadium. I was in Dallas when it was being built - believe me, it's massive! Steelers kicker Sean Suisham is now being interviewed - star names indeed. Cadle comments on his lack of personality. Lad. Incidentally, Tiki Barber is in the BBC studio tonight, just 3 years after FiveLive's analyst Greg Brady slammed him on air for essentially being a bit of a dick.

10:30pm: Ah, now Nick Halling is interviewing Rashard Mendenhall. At least the names are improving, even if Halling is a little starstruck with his beloved Steelers! Spare a thought with Maurkice Pouncey, the Steelers' rookie centre who misses the game with an ankle injury after an outstanding season. Is his absence going to be as telling as Dwight Freeney showing up half-fit for the Colts last year?

10:40pm: The two QBs are being discussed. The big question "Ben Roethlisberger - a changed man?". Aka, "Ben Roethlisberger - still inclined to a bit of rapeyness every now and then?". How are you supposed to answer that? Is it just me or does Aaron Rodgers look a bit like Pat Sharp?

10:55pm: The AFC really is dull isn't it? Patriots, Colts, Steelers. Take your pick. The NFC have had 10 different teams in the past 10 years and has proven as easy to predict as... pretty much anything we at BtC have tried predicting in the last year! Finally a bit of exposure towards the Packers - from their former Steelers linebacker coach Kevin Green. Although, to be fair, the linebacker position is one of the areas where the Packers can win the game if Clay Matthews et al play to their potential.

11:10pm: Here come the players. Bit of Muse playing on the PA, just to keep up the British interest, followed up by Brighton's very own Fatboy Slim! Beats down the Black Eyed Peas any day! Who is that random bloke doing the introductory video voiceovers? He looks like he'd spend his spare time shooting his cousins. Christina Aguilera's looking tasty!

11:20pm: OH MY GOD IT'S THAT DAFT BITCH OFF GLEE!! Singing what I consider to be the Superbowl equivalent of Abide With Me. Dubya appears on the big screen and gets a big cheer, presumably from his extended family who got him into power in the first place. Damn, I thought the sound was about to break for a second there and spare us the drone. Aggy starts singing the national anthem sounding a bit like Barry White. If someone ever butchered Flower of Scotland like this, I would expect a warrant for their arrest to be sent out. But this is America, so the crowd love it. Customary fly-over alert. Can we please get on with the game now?

11:28pm: I would like everyone to gain a bit of perspective here. This is a game of football. So FOX have naturally shown a montage featuring D-Day, Martin Luther King, The Berlin Wall and the assassination of John Lennon. Honestly, some of the links they manage to conjure up in the name of patriotism are heroically tenuous.

11:31pm: Deion Sanders looking resplendent at the coin toss. James Farrior calls incorrectly, Green Bay defer and the Steelers receive first. Game on!

11:38pm: Pittsburgh go 3 and out. Tramon Williams then muffs a punt, but after a battle for the ball, the Packers retain possession. Rodgers sees a Pittsburgh blitz on 3rd down and bombs one up the middle to Donald Driver. The drive eventually fizzles out - defence on top so far.

11:58pm: Baseball star A-Rod being fed some tasty snack by his lady in the stands. Green Bay making slow progress but Brandon Jackson forces his way over midfield. AND A TOUCHDOWN. Rodgers throwing right side to Jordi Nelson for 29-yards, who outstrips the Pittsburgh CB William Gay. Mason Crosby on the PAT is good. Green Bay lead 7-0. 3:44 left in the 1st quarter. Oooohh... footage from the Indigo O2 Superbash in London. Which looks really rubbish - fun to see balding British men pretending they know the game. A bit like me. Except that I have a beautiful full head of hair.

12:07am: 14-0. Big Ben airs it out after a penalty marches the Steelers back to their own 7. The Packers line brings the pressure, and Nick Collins is presented with an easy pick which he runs in spectacularly. A 15-yard penalty for excessive celebration is imposed. It's the Superbowl. Pardon the Packers for getting a bit excited! Ridiculous rule...

12:13am: The Steelers are feeling the heat. Flozell Adams has a shoulder injury, although should return. CB Bryant McFadden's hip injury looks more serious. Big Ben "gets up gimpy" after an incompletion but then puts his knee injury behind him to pick up a first down on his own. He must be angry... he's got his rape face on. End of the 1st quarter.

12:23am: Pittsburgh somehow find a way to move the ball downfield at the start of the second quarter. Emmanuel Sanders takes a pasting from Tramon Williams but gets up and carries on. Suisham eventually kicks the FG to get the Steelers on the board. 14-3. This being Texas, there are some exceptionally dodgy moustaches in the crowd. Who tells them those things look good?

12:38am: Antwan Randle El makes a great low catch on 3rd & 6 and proceeds to celebrate like a housewife who just had the 1p box opened on Deal or No Deal. He loved it that much! Time out with 4:35 left in the 2nd quarter.

12:42am: Big Ben picked again. Once more pushing the ball through a little hard towards Mike Wallace who was double covered. Jarrett Bush makes the interception. Advantage Dom Capers in his defensive coordinatior battle with the legendary Dick LeBeau. James Starks makes a great run to push his offense towards the red zone and RODGERS THROWS ANOTHER TD! Greg Jennings gets clobbered after being picked up on an in route from the slot by Polamalu. It's not enough but Christ that was close to an INT. 21-yard score for Jennings. 21-3 and Green Bay are all over this game! Incidentally, I have decided to go and get a pizza rather than watching the Black Eyed Peas.

12:54am: It's Green Bay's turn to get banged up as secondary stars Sam Shields and Charles Woodson both head down the tunnel with injuries. Pittsburgh will look to grab 7 before halftime. The Freezer BJ Raji spears Roethlisberger who gets up looking a little dazed. Heinz Ward grabs a couple of first down receptions to set up a first and goal and then the TOUCHDOWN! 39 seconds left in the first half and it's 21-10 Green Bay.

1am: As the clocks strike one in the UK, Starks runs for a couple to run the clock out. Half time in the Superbowl. Now let's get to Samsun's before the Peas come on and offend my ears. God I wish The Who came back...

1:13am: I leave the flat for 10 minutes and the world's gone bloody crazy. Fergie is murdering Sweet Child O' Mine but Slash is there! What a legend. We then revert to type as Pump It. The choreography seems to be Beijing 2008-esque. In that Will.I.Am has threatened the families of those involved, should they put a single foot wrong. How I wish they went with the original version of Let's Get It Started. Just to offend all of those in middle America with the use of the word "retarded". Shit, now Usher's here. This is so weird. It's just not a halftime show

1:20am: The Time now playing. With about three dozen Marvin the Paranoid Androids joining them on stage. This is so bizarre I'm expecting the ghost of Patrick Swayze to emerge. Sadly it doesn't. I have never known four people make such a career out of basically shouting idealistic nonsense. Halling says it was nothing like the Rolling Stones. I concur my good man. Let's get back to business after that nonsense.

1:31am: Back underway, Rodgers to start from the 20. How big will that Pittsburgh score before HT be? Charles Woodson is out for the game. Another major blow for the NFC Champions.

1:36am: Green Bay seem determined to throw this one away. After a couple of silly offensive penalties, James Jones drops another sitter on 3rd down to end the drive prematurely. He really needs to change his gloves after the postseason he's had! Tom Crabtree then grabs a facemask on the punt return to give the Steelers 15 free yards.

1:42am: TOUCHDOWN PITTSBURGH! And boy, has the Steelers O-Line come to the party. Rashard Mendenhall starts the ball rolling, bouncing off a camerman in the process. Isaac Redman takes it to the 8, before Mendenhall pounds it in for the score. Brilliant running game from the Steelers. 21-17

1:59am: Down goes Big Ben, just as the Steelers had this game by the scruff of the neck. Undrafted rookie Frank Zombo with the hit after the defence creaked all the way down the field. Sean Suisham doesn't even threaten the posts with the FG attempt. It's still a four point game. The offense need to be methodical in their approach now and most importantly hold their catches! Of all teams who wouldn't want to drop the Vince Lombardi Trophy...

2:13am: Mike McCarthy challenges a 3rd down incompletion. Did Brett Swain have control of the ball before fumbling (GB did recover)? I can see why he's thrown the red flag, but I reckon that this one will stand as ruled on the field. This is taking such a long time. Yep, ruling stands and GB, having been blunted for the entire quarter, will have to punt yet again. It's a great punt from Masthay but there's an ineligible man downfield and they have to do it all again. Too many mistakes from the Packers.

2:21am: End of the 3rd. It's tighter than a Yorkshireman's forward defense. Or wallet for that matter. My apologies, I have to resort to crude stereotyping at this time of the morning. But then, the miserable buggers deserve it!

2:24am: Ah the prophecy of Madden. Rashard Mendenhall does as he did in my preview game and coughs up the ball for Desmond Bishop to collect and turn possession over. The beleagured defense takes a well-earned rest

2:30am: TOUCHDOWN GREEN BAY! The Superbowl never disappoints. Jordy Nelson goes from the ridiculous to the sublime in two plays, dropping another simple catch before following it up with an excellent catch and run to set up a first and goal. Rodgers is sacked on 1st down before finding Greg Jennings in the back of the end zone to make it 28-17. Cecil Martin's face is beginning to show signs of life.

2:34am: Shit I've just been on Wikipedia and found out that Cecil Martin has a Bell's palsy. I should know better, I really should...

2:42am: TOUCHDOWN PITTSBURGH! A lovely, lovely throw from Ben to Mike Wallace to the left side, as GB's secondary coverage gets blown, not for the first time in the drive. Roethlisberger pitches to Randle El for the two-point conversion. 28-25. I just heard that GB have 15 players on IR. That they have come so far and pushed the Steelers into this grand finale is a credit to the coaching and the depth on talent they have available to them.

2:53am: Rodgers is sacked by the man with the best name in the NFL, Ziggy Hood. But on 3rd and 10, Rodgers finds Jennings in the seam once again for a massive play. Starks finally sees a bit of ball in the 2nd half, before a James Jones reception sets up first and goal. You can bet your last penny on Rodgers getting MVP. Pittsburgh make the stop and Mason Crosby slots the FG from 23 yards. 31-25, 2:10 to go. Tense.

2:57am: I've just read that Christina Aguilera fluffed the words to her own national anthem. The lesson here is very simple - cut out the ridiculous gymnastics until you're absolutely certain of the words. Particularly your own anthem which you've had drilled into you since you were knee high to a grasshopper. I love it when show-offs mess it up! Two minute warning with the Steelers backed up on their own line after a personal foul flag on the kick-off.

3:04am: TURNED OVER ON DOWNS! Roethlisberger cannot find Mike Wallace on 4th & 5. The Steelers want a pass interference call but it's just desperation. Surely the victory formation will come out now for GB. McCarthy braces himself for the Gatorade!

3:07am: THE GREEN BAY PACKERS WIN SUPERBOWL XLV! An amazing game of football. Cowboys Stadium is doused in tickertape, Aaron Rodgers is mobbed by media. The way that these boys have overcome injury this season is phenomenal. It's all about peaking at the right time and the Packers have done just that. 31-25 the final score. And I'm off to bed. Thank you and goodnight!

RM

Fancy a Sixway? Six Nations Player Ratings

Firstly, I promise that I will write articles that are more interesting than this over the course of the Six Nations tournament.

You have to understand, though, that I am an unhealthily passionate Scotland fan. As such, I am usually too worked up about our matches to write anything objectively for at least 3 days. So I thought why not do some player performance ratings immediately after each match (yes, I intend to watch them all, by hook or by crook but most probably by I-Player). That way, at least you will be able to find out at a glance how each game went, and who you should abuse come the next encounter.

A plus point of this system is that it reviews every player's performance. That means that those who may have missed out on due praise will get it from me. Similarly, those who had a mare will be highlighted for the world and his dog to see.

I'll do a man of the match, team of the week, and probably also use the ratings to evaluate the performance of each team at the end of proceedings.

Wales 19-26 England

Wales

7- Hook: Fullback does not suit him much, but neither does 10 until he's used to it.
5- Stoddard
6- J Davies
5- Roberts: Chronically underused in attack, once again. Gatland, world class!
6- Williams
5- Jones: Knock early on may have contributed. Missed a few kicks
4- Phillips: Terrible second half. Lost all confidence, forgot how to pass and offload.
4- Powell
6- Lydiate: Quite impressive; mobile, but not that physical
7- Warburton : Good showing, proving once more that Martyn Williams is indeed expendable
5- AW Jones
8- B Davies: Very strong showing from the big man
5- Mitchell: Did well, but yellow card lowers his grade
6- Rees
5- James
Subs – Ryan Jones came on for the injured Powell and gave more go forward, Peel and Byrne made no difference.

England

7- Foden: Didn't live up to his trash talk, but ran well enough
8- Ashton : Does the little things, like support running, consistently well and easily
4- Tindall: Slow, ponderous and frankly useless throughout
3- Hape: A terrible showing. Butchered at least three great attacks. Cowardly
7- Cueto
9- Flood: How to game manage while still running with the ball. Take note Dan
6- Youngs
8- Easter: Actually a far better player than he should be
7- Wood: Solid debut, but Lydiate was a soft opposition in the tight
6- Haskell
8- Palmer: Ran an injury-deprived lineout confidently
7- Deacon: A grafter, but a good one. Loses a point by default due to yellow card, but grafters will concede penalties.
7- Cole
9- Hartley: Great way to shut Gatland up
4- Sheridan: Ineffective at scrum time or in contact
Subs - Not worth mentioning

Man of the Match: Toby Flood (England)

Italy 11- 13 Ireland

Italy

8- McLean: Excellent showing. Finally looked let off the leash
7- Masi
6- Canale
7- Scarbi: Did well as a crash ball runner in midfield. Good outing, even if no-one else recognised it.
6- Mi. Bergamasco
4- Burton: Didn't do much of anything. Can he though?
5- Gori (Injured)
7- Parisse
8- Zanni: Great workrate, excellent linout performance and strong carrying. Underrated and overlooked by most
6- Sole
7- Geldenhuys: Again, underrated. The massive South African has been solid in every appearance
6- Dellape
7- Castrogiovanni: Scrum was solid. All three front rowers did well.
6- Ghiraldini
7- Perugini
Subs – Canavosio replaced Gori early, and effectively. Lo Cicero threw himself about.

Ireland

6- Fitzgerald: His ideas didn;t always work, but he has the necessary vision for fullback
5- McFadden
6- O’Driscoll: Could have provided a try to McFadden if his weak hand pass was a little better.
3- D’Arcy: Had a shocking game. I would drop him; he certainly dropped enough in Rome
4- Earls: Muffled and impatient
6- Sexton: Had one good burst forward in a game with not many
6- O’Leary: Did a decent job
6- O’Brien
5- Leamy
7- Wallace: Good ball carrying as usual. Still got the legs to run around midfield
5- O’Connell
8- O’Callaghan: A safe pair of hands in a misfunctioning lineout, and tireless elsewhere.
7- Ross: Looked like an actual prop i.e. the opposite of Marcus Horan.
5- Best
5- Healy
Subs – O’Gara kicked the winner (hardly difficult), Reddan did decently

Man of the Match: Alessandro Zanni (Italy)

France 34-21 Scotland

France

7- Traille: Didn't look as slow and ponderous as usual. Worked well in the centre later on
7- Huget
8- Rougerie: I'm giving him an extra point for playing an reasonably new position with unfamiliar players.
6- Mermoz: Seems to have shoulders made of glass, sadly
9- Medard: Dang-er-ous
8- Trinh-Duc: The pass through his legs to set up the last try is worth an 8 in itself
7- Parra
8- Harinordoquy: Always involved, and still a strong ball carrier
6- Dusautoir: Strangely uninvolved at times
5- Bonnaire: Not sure exactly what makes him better than any other top French flanker
7- Nallet: Great burst to set up the final try, and solid effort
6- Pierre
8- Mas: Destructive in the scrum, so much so that he brought himself back on to have more fun
9- Servat: Destructive everywhere. He is a perfect cube of a man who is so hard to tackle
9- Domingo: Absolutely humiliated Euan Murray.
Subs – Front rower changes late blunted the scrum, Poitrenaud was decent.

Scotland

5- Southwell: Didn't run with the ball in hand once
6- Walker
8- Ansbro: Very strong showing. Ran hard with directness, and fought well.
4- De Luca: The opposite of Ansbro; it showed that he has been injured. Mistake in the tackle cost opening try
7- Evans: A typically slippery showing. He just never seems to actually break free.
5- Parks: Couldn't get involved, but probably for the best. Not his type of game at all.
6- Lawson
7- Brown: Would much prefer him at blindside. Scored a muthafucking try.
6- Barclay
6- Hines: Evidently extra weight in the pack didn't work. Vernon would have given the team a true, athletic 8
7- Kellock: Scored another muthafucking try!
9- Gray: Great work. Didn't get tired at all, when by all rights he should have. Plus, carried often and effectively
3- Murray: Absolutely pawned in the scrum, owned. Tried hard but provided nothing at all in any phase.
8- Ford: I though he had a great game. Lineout throwing was solid, and he tackled like Gethin Jenkins all game
5- Jacobson: Would have liked to see the ball in his hands; he didn't carry once
Subs – Lamont was good (scored another muthafucking try), the rest made little difference. Blair matched Lawson's performance.

Man of the Match: Maxime Medard (France)

Team of the Weekend:

Luke McLean (ITL), Chris Ashton (ENG), Joe Ansbro (SCO), Alberto Scarbi (ITL), Maxime Medard (FRA), Toby Flood (ENG), Morgan Parra (FRA), Immanol Harinordoquy (FRA), Alessandro Zanni (ITL), Sam Warburton (WAL), Tom Palmer (ENG), Richie Gray (SCO), Nicolas Mas (FRA), Dylan Hartley (ENG), Thomas Domingo (FRA)

GM

Packing Steel: How the Superbowl Could Unfold (But Probably Won't)

Pittsburgh versus Green Bay for the Superbowl. The biggest game in America deserves the attention of both the Beyond the Cliche beat-writers/editors/funders/only readers. So here is my bit. Ryan has already stolen the compelling storyline about Aaron Rodgers and utilised the only high tech software we have at our disposal (Madden 2011) to predict a result. So I am left with the other storylines, and all the boring facts.

There will be no cheerleaders on the sidelines, as neither team has any. Will Ben Roethlisberger perform better when his rapist brain is not distracted by writhing female bodies?

Stop. This is not a fact or a storyline. The only fact here is that Ben Roethlisberger is completely innocent in the eyes of the law and has never been proven to have forced a drunken girl into a toilet cubicle at a low quality Georgia nightlclub and had his brutal, rapist way with her. Thus, there is no reason for me to suggest that you prefer to root for Aaron Rodgers, a fine gentleman who, as Ryan has outlined, has gone about things the correct way. No reason at all...

Proper facts and storylines from here on in then.

Green Bay has the 'we've had a playoff run' thing going for them, much like the victorious Giants did a couple of years ago. They also, though, have 'Superbowl amnesia'. Sorry babe, it's been a while.

Pittsburgh have the obvious advantage of quarterback and coach having won the Superbowl together two years past. But they also have obvious deficiencies as a team.

And yet, they are in the Superbowl. You simply don't get to this game if you are a bad team.

Green Bay lost some games, and the NFC North title, due to Aaron Rodgers' concusion issues. Pittsburgh lost some games due to Ben Roethlisberger's suspension, but still won the AFC North. Does this mean anything? Slightly.

It acts, in my head at least, as a symbolic piece of evidence that says 'Pittsburgh are the better team'. I'm not saying that they're better by much, obviously Green Bay are also excellent, but a little bit extra is all that separates the very best when the final wistle blows. Cliche over.

How about I get back to business and compare each team, position by position. I'll be quick, I promise.

Offense



Quarterbacks : Ben Roethlisberger (Steelers) and Aaron Rodgers (Green Bay) are both excellent. Rodgers is the better passer, and has the better regular season running and elusiveness/escapability stats. But who would you rather have in a Superbowl game? That's right, the man who's been there before. Advantage Pittsburgh

Running Backs : Both teams are equally as shit as each other. Green Bay would be a good running team if they had good running backs, Pittsburgh would be able to gain more than 2 yards on first down if they had a better offensive line. But, the Steelers' linemen have improved of late, and Rashard Mendenhall is the back, so I'd say edge to Pittsburgh

Wide Recievers : Green Bay wins, mainly because of Greg Jennings. Advantage Green Bay

Tight Ends : Pittsburgh wins, soley because of Heath Miller. We miss you Jermichael Finley! Advantage Pittsburgh

Offensive Lines : Pittsburgh has veered between awful performances and solid ones. The solid ones have come in, surprise surprise, the playoffs (or they wouldn't be here). The Green Bay line, even with rookie Bryan Bulaga in the lineup, is better. And the Steelers will certainly miss Maurkice Pouncey. But the Steelers are in no way as bad as the analysts would have you think. Advantage Green Bay

Defense

Defensive Lines : Considering that the two teams run practically the same base defense, a good comparison can be made. Pittsburgh are still stout and workmanlike up front, but their ends are nicked with injury and Casey Hampton is old. B.J. Raji provides youthful enthusiasm and puppy fat, but I think that the Steelers vets have more of a hard-nosed edge when it comes to buckling down and taking up blockers. Advantage Pittsburgh

Linebackers : Is Clay Matthews, undoubtedly a great player, better than James Harrison and Lamarr Woodley combined? No. Advantage Pittsburgh

Cornerback : The improvements that Tramon Williams has made, particularly during the playoffs, has rendered this Green Bay unit dangerous again. Charles Woodson could be in trouble against Mike Wallace downfield though. Ike Taylor and his teammates are solid, but lack the playmaking edge. Advantage Green Bay


Safety : Troy Polamalu's game changing ability wins this for the Steelers, irrespective of anything else. Advantage Pittsburgh

Special Teams

You don't really care, I don't really care. Conveniently, they are about as nondescript as each other. Green Bay offers a little more in the kicking game. Advantage Green Bay

Coaching

Never underestimate the value of having been there before. Unless you are Andy Murray. Mike Tomlin and Dick LeBeau win due to their prior experiences together and as individuals. Mike McCarthy of Green Bay can be relied upon to make one idiotic call per game. Advantage Pittsburgh.


So that's that. Add up the scores, and I believe Pittsburgh are ahead. I am going to go against Ryan and side with the experienced lot. Much like I did when I picked New England to humiliate the Jets. So don't listen to me, just stay up late and enjoy what should be a spectacle.

Trust us both, you don't realise how much you miss the NFL until it's over for the season!

GM

Pack to the Future (Ouch!)

History, especially in sport, is not all that it is cracked up to be. A team hung up on glories past, tend to forget about the realities of today and thus get carried away with expectations that are unrealistic, whichever way that happens to go. Take the fanbases of Liverpool and Newcastle for example, carried away by respective glories of the 70s and 50s, and now wanting far too much from their current crop, which will never be provided for them. On the flip side of the scale, you have anyone facing the Italian rugby team in the Six Nations this year. Past history tells you that you should walk all over them. But you can virtually guarantee that they will run one of the "bigger nations" very close at some stage during the Championship, such are the strides they have made under the captaincy of Sergio Parisse. Essentially, what goes before is a poor indicator of what happens now. Lucky then that fans of the Green Bay Packers have found a leader that makes them forget about their former favourite son.

I am talking, of course, about Aaron Rodgers, the man who took over the starting QB role when the legendary (yes, newcomers to the NFL, he was good once!) Brett Favre starting toying with the idea of retirement once too often for the management team. Rodgers can create some history of his own (not that it will do anyone any good 10 years from now!) on Sunday in Superbowl XLV, taking on Ben Roethlisberger's Pittsburgh Steelers at the Cowboys Stadium, just outside of Dallas.

On the face of it, the Steelers must start as favourites. They were seeded #2 in the AFC, to the Packers #6, meaning their regular season form was a lot better, despite the suspension of Big Ben for the first four games. They have also been to the Superbowl recently, XLV being their 3rd in 6 years. Both previous trips in the 21st century resulted in victory. They know what it takes to win a Superbowl, especially after their last ditch TD drive two years ago against the Arizona Cardinals. But for me, the dynamicism of Rodgers makes me root for Green Bay, and genuinely believe that they can emerge victorious in the early hours of Monday morning. When you analyse it, his skill-set is quite phenomenal. Not only does he possess great arm-strength and accuracy, allowing him to throw what is widely regarded as the "prettiest pass" in the game currently, he also has the speed and agility to extend plays and make first downs on his own when he needs to. His intelligence probably also gives him those oft-cited intangibles, although I don't think anyone can ever be completely sure what those intangibles are!

Then you look at the resources he has available to him. Shorn of TE Jermichael Finley and RB Ryan Grant since game one, Rodgers has had to expect the very best of a couple of veteran receivers (Greg Jennings and Donald Driver), whilst blooding some young talent at key positions (undrafted rookie James Starks, for example). He, and they, have delivered. There is no doubting that the leader of this offence gets the best out of those around him. And even when he himself is not at his best, such as in the NFC Championship victory over the Chicago Bears, you can guarantee that there is enough quality running through the roster to guarantee the Packers will remain confident of success. BJ Raji may have taken the headlines for what I can only assume was a shattering 17-yard INT return in that game, but the consistent threats on defence all year have been Clay Matthews and Tramon Williams.

The story of Rodgers is one of waiting patiently in the wings and eventually seizing the opportunity when it came to him. Drafted in the first round, he was always seen as the man to replace Favre. However, not many at Lambeau suspected he would have to wait three years for the starting opportunity, as No.4 continually dithered about retirement, eventually announcing the end of his days in March 2008. Only to reverse his decision at training camp once Rodgers had been inserted as the starter. The Packers stood by their man, traded Favre to the Jets and that, as they say, is history. Rodgers hasn't looked back since, and though the Packers struggled initially under his leadership, his individual reputation has grown year on year. In 2010, they were always billed as a favourite for the NFC Championship, but never really played to that level until the postseason. The great thing about Rodgers story is when you look at who was drafted above him. What could the San Francisco 49ers have achieved if they had drafted Rodgers over Alex Smith with the first pick overall? And would Favre have played out his days at Lambeau, rather than at Minnesota?

Still, no point in reflecting on what might have been - enjoy the Superbowl!

Madden Predicts Packers Win

OK so John Madden actually hasn't given me exclusive access to his thoughts ahead of the big game. We've not gone that big at BtC (yet!). No, in a fit of procrastination, I decided to play out the Superbowl on Madden 11 as the Packers on the hardest seting and see what happened.

A long range Mason Crosby FG got the Packers rolling, before Donald Driver ended a long drive with a TD on 4th and 7. The Steelers then rallied with a Roethlisberger 82-yard bomb to Mike Wallace, with Heath Miller eventually picking up the 6. The score was tied at 20-20, 1:40 to play. 4th and goal on the 3. I stupidly decide to fake a FG and run it in with Matt Flynn. It worked. Big Ben was then sacked for the 3rd time by Ryan Pickett and coughed up the ball, allowing the Packers to seal a 27-20 win. And there you have my prediction!

You heard it here first!
RM

The Back Page: February 2011

I decided to take things a little more seriously this month, so as to be more entertaining for our audience. So Graeme, I hope you enjoy this! Having hoarded all of the amusing stories from the last month into an Open Office document (I'm too cheap to actually pay for that sort of thing, I bring you some improved Monthly Awards:

Twitter faux pas of the month (i) - Well this is becoming a regular feature, so irresponsible are sportsmen on their microblogging website of choice. We start with Ryan Babel, erstwhile Liverpool winger/benchwarmer, who took offence to Howard Webb's performance in the Man Utd vs Liverpool FA Cup tie, responding by posting a picture of Webb in a United shirt. For which he was fined, slumping off to Hoffenheim in the process. For the record, United's winning penalty looked good in real time, even if Berbatov did go down very easily, and Gerrard's red card was probably warranted. So Babel spent a long time on Paint for nothing.

Twitter faux pas of the month (ii) - Another sportsman failing to learn from the lessons of others is stand-in Aussie cricket captain Michael Clarke. In a horrendous run of form, and with the nation on his back, Clarke spent more time on Twitter trying to find ugly leg-spinner Steve Smith a date than he did in the nets. When criticised by a leading journalist, Clarke used the site to tell him to "take a chill pill"!

Dog(s) of the month - In second place, we have the dog that bit Paula Radcliffe whilst training in Monaco. Serves you right for dodging your taxes Paula! But the clear winner... well, just look at this picture from the Romford greyhound races and you'll realise that actually there was no clear winner!

Ambition of the month - Back to the FA Cup. All credit to Stevenage for their excellent performance in beating Premier League Newcastle in the 3rd round. A 3-1 suggests a comfortable scoreline. But no - their manager Graham Westley had actually demanded that they go out and beat the Magpies 5-0 before the game started. Rumour has it that he donned a Newcastle shirt after the game, and was the mysterious fan who punched Scott Laird, so disappointed was he with his supposed lack of want!

Father of the month - You know the Old Firm are in the shit when one of them signs Charlie Mulgrew. And it's really no surprise to find the Celtic "star" shopping in Costco. What did surprise me was Mulgrew's stupidity and neglect - leaving his young child in a freezing car whilst shopping for his luxury items during the cold snap. Mulgrew was arrested. I laughed.

Commentary of the month - When skiing goes wrong, it really goes wrong. As Yannick Bertrand found out to his cost in this magnificent video. However, the real star of the show is the deadpan Canadian commentator:

Ironic name of the month - This story concerns a Brazilian footballer who went missing. Yes, the Botafogo star was brutally kidnapped, with his worried teammates noticing his conspicuous absence from training. Or was he? CCTV images showed the man out and about at the time he said he'd been abducted. The truth was that he feigned his own kidnap to avoid running late for training and taking the mandatory 40% wage cut that Botafogo enforce if he was a little tardy. Now wouldn't it be even funnier if the guy was named after a place where kidnaps can and frequently do happen? He's called Somalia.

Pitch report of the month - It's New Zealand cricketer Tim Southee once again making The Back Page. The Christchurch wicket did look pretty good for quick bowling, with plenty of bounce on offer for the quicks. So when Southee tried to effect a run-out and wound up crashing down on this pitch, his observation of "Fuck, that's hard!" (insert your own "That's what she said" joke here. Just try and be more original in future) proved more illuminating than any amount of Tony Grieg sticking his car keys into the MCG.

Pointless rehash of the month - You'll remember a couple of months back I did a piece on snooker's revolutionary new format, called "Power Snooker". I've now read about something new - "Shoot-Out Snooker". Something along the lines of single 10 minute frames, which veteran Nigel Bond wound up winning. Why bring in two innovations in such quick succession? It's going to get more complicated than sailing soon!

Game of the month - I pity anybody who didn't witness this game. 43 seconds - Livingston score 1-0. 12 minutes - Livi captain Fox with a 25-yard screamer. 28 mins - East Fife free-kick straight at keeper Bullock who drops it over the line 2-1. 72 mins - veterans Crawford and Hamilton link up 2-2. 74 mins - East Fife cross the line twice, clear handball on the line. No penalty, no goal. 75 mins - Livi 2 East Fife 3. Fans start to leave. 82 mins - Bobby Barr solo effort, first goal for the club after a year's wait. 89 mins - Keaghan Jacobs squeezes home via a deflection from a narrow angle. Livingston 4 East Fife 3. I thought I would expire. Simply the most exciting game of football I have seen at any level.

RM

Money Trouble?

It's now February, the month of the year when you start to regret the things you signed up for after New Years. Everything seems a bit more sobering in the cold light of day. Not that there's much of that around up here even as we get closer to spring, when we can risk taking a few of our fleeces off. For those of you not of a Scottish disposition, winter sometimes gets so dark it's a struggle to see our own feet, or any black people. There are, in fact, loads of them up here, invisible for half the year.

The end of the January transfer window came so frantically that only now can we all take a step back and try to work out what the hell happened to the balance of power in the Premiership.

(A brief mention of transfers outside of England. Inter Milan signed Giampaolo Pazzini, improving a hideous situation only slightly. And El-Hadji Diouf has made Rangers around 14,000 times more funny than before)

The British transfer record was smashed twice in an hour, with Fernando Torres now holding the title. There are now new record fees for Spanish and English players, and the final day shenanigans with Andy Carroll not only completely overshadowed the £24 million Darren Bent deal, it made it seem practically sensible.


The conventional angle the sports writers have taken about this January has been the whole "Austerity? What austerity?" idea. But I can't be bothered writing along those lines because then I would be succumbing to the very cliches that this blog was set up to combat. Fight the power. Also, I would inevitably end up writing a thesis on government spending priorities. And you don't want to read that, do you? (If you do, you are a bit weird. Or you may be Natalie Portman, in which case I forgive you. Please marry me)

The Premiership has been detatched from the 'normal' rules of spending for many years now, and the bigger teams are in a world of their own; a crazy no-mans land of spending and counter-spending, a Twilight Zone of self-perceived improvement and depreciation that devours any economist foolish enough to enter. I'll stop now.

If you take only the January moves and compare them to each other, then Darren Bent would actually seem to be the best deal. It also has all the classic elements that a good January transfer should have; overpaying for a proven commodity, picking a bloke who will sell shirts etc etc.

Torres, to be honest, would have been worth more than £50 million before the season. A bad showing so far leads me to worry about his current health and ability though, and so I need to be more critical of this deal than I would like. Torres has been the best goalscorer in the Premiership for the past 3 years. Pair him with a fit Didier Drogba in some new formation and you could have a deadly threat. Not for long mind, as Didier is getting on. £50 million seems like quite a lot, then, and this move seems to be more of a point of emphasis for Chelsea and Roman Abramovich; "We will still buy big. Very big. We are still in this".

I actually find the David Luiz deal more interesting from a footballing standpoint, as it basically screams "Come back Ricardho Carvalho-type centre back!" at the top of its lungs. The Alex-Terry partnership has evidently been deemed as a failure. Considering the success the Carvalho-Terry pairing had, to attempt to recreate it seems sensible.

Where the Torres deal leaves Nicolas Anelka come the end of the season, I do not know. Personally, I would actually be looking to offload Drogba if the price was halfway decent. I make no apologies for being enamoured with Anelka's pure, natural finishing ability. He is the best finisher in the world in my book (call me mad if you will, but remember that you would therefore be reading the ramblings of a madman. That wouldn't make you seem so clever), an immense talent ruined by sullenness, petulence and managerial changeups.


Petulence? Sullenness? Domestic abuse? Yes, we're on to Andy Carroll! I'm struggling with this one a bit. Analysing the move, my dad initially told me that he would have sold Carroll only early in the transfer window, so the fee could be re-invested. I replied that £35 million is so much that I would have sold him as soon as the offer came in. Both in reasonable agreement so far. But then the issue of the price came up.

My dad thought that Carroll was never worth more than £20 million, but could have handled £25 mil due to the Bent deal providing leverage. I agreed at first, but then thought about the whole 'New Shearer' tag attatched to the man, and now think that £35 million, shockingly, wasn't as bad a deal as almost everyone is making out. Having the mantle of 'great English hope' raises the price by at least £10 million, as James Milner proves. And considering that the cash was evidently disposable to Liverpool due to the Torres deal, I can actually forgive them for this one. Provided Dalgleish gets the job permenantly of course; spending all that money on players only to hand them to another manager with no link to them would be a colossal mistake from which NESV would not recover. I did predict that they wouldn't last 3 years...

Luis Suarez and Edin Dzeko are now forgotten men, their 20 plus million moves swallowed up, understandably, by the last minute wheeling and dealing. Both are generic Football Manager signings, and that usually suggests that they are good. Dzeko so far looks out of place, too often dawdling weakly with the ball. I think, given time, he can be a better version of Roque Santa Cruz (Blackburn version). Which wouldn't be too bad.

Suarez, I think, is over-rated and does not appear to be a true finisher. But his skillset, in a potentially strong Liverpool team, should lend itself well to the Premiership. Carroll and Suarez can be a very good partnership but if Torres partnered the big man, he would get 25 goals. I do not think Suarez is quite good enough to match that profligacy. Perhaps, though, he can be the Owen to Carroll's Heskey; fine, the Owen and Heskey partnership didn't work, but the theory was sound.


The Darren Bent move shows that either Gerard Houllier is safe, or that Bent is part of a long term plan. Probably the latter.

Finally, we had further illustration that Harry Redknapp is a complete tosser. It's bad enough that he has hoarded every attacking midfielder with an inch of talent and preyed on financially screwed Portsmouth to take back all the old muckers he took there and bankrupted them with in the first place. Now, he spends deadline day putting in frankly insulting offers for Phil Neville and Charlie Adam. Where, oh where would they fit in at Spurs? Are Hutton and Corluka and Assou-Ekotto and Bale and Krancjar and Pienaar and Modric and Lennon and Van der Vaart not enough for you Harry? Or will you not rest until every decent, exciting player in England is stuck on your bench and we are never able to watch them again?

And to top it all off, he then goes and delivers a rant about how the transfer window is a nonsense. The same old spewl that he has delivered every year since the whole bloody concept began. It seems to work out all right for you each year Harry, and perhaps if you used some of the other 30 days of the window instead of leaving it to the last minute you could have signed the players you apparently needed so badly!

The fact that so many players seem to connect brilliantly with ill-principled dinosaurs like Redknapp is as damning an indictment on football as the current sexism 'scandal'.

Somewhere in this article, I seem to have lost the plot a bit. Sorry. I suppose it just shows you how easily things can run away from reality. Seriously, £24 million for Darren Bent...?

GM