Headline Acts: Episode 1

Wishful thinking is a common indulgence at Beyond the Cliche Towers (ok, so it's a third floor flat). Sadly, the ground has not yet opened up and swallowed Phil Godman but we can still dream. So now we bring you a new feature, taking some of the main sporting issues of the last week or so and spinning them to create the stories we wished we'd read:

- "Wembley pitch to be used in 2022 Olympics" - 2022 is not a typo. Following James Milner's astonishingly accurate impersonation of Robin Cousins in Saturday's FA Cup semi-final, Lord Coe has hatched a plan to bring the 2022 Winter Olympics to London, "Imagine 80,000 people packing into Wembley to see the pairs free programme" he said, "When you add in the indoor ski slopes in Milton Keynes I reckon we've got it cracked!"

- "Mickelson to use Masters winnings to pay for wife's boob job" - "They're just not up to scratch right now" said Phil after his victory at Augusta

- "Kroenke to relocate Rams to Alaska" - The worst fears of fans of the St. Louis Rams have been realised in the wake of Missouri billionaire Stan Kroenke's attempted takeover. Although it was rumoured that they would be heading back to LA, Kroenke has another more radical theory, "By creating the Anchorage Rams, our players would gain a great homefield advantage as a result of all the cold weather training. This way we could go at least 8-8 every season." Prospective QB Sam Bradford was later seen boarding a plane heading to Seattle.

- "Ade Adepitan in shock Davis Cup call-up" - "He's pretty much British No.2 right now" said new British captain Leon Smith of the former wheelchair basketball star, "the way he glides around the court is a pleasure to watch. And, win or lose, he is guaranteed to keep up team morale with that smile of his".

- "When Fabio's in Row Z and the ball hits his head..." - Bobby Zamora reverts to type in Liverpool stalemate. His newfound confidence saw this particular effort hit with power, but the accuracy was lacking on this occasion. The England boss, impressed with Zamora's Europa League exploits, was kept in University Hospital overnight for observation with suspected concussion as he tried to explain to nearby fans the merits of playing Titus Bramble at sweeper.

Finally, one unlikely headline that did actually happen:

- "Lucas Leiva scores" - No really, he actually got beyond the halfway line for once.

Feel free to add your own suggestions. As you can see from the above examples, political correctness is not essential. The winner will receive 50p off their next shop at Scotmid.
RM