A Tour Man's Excuse: Part Two (Part One is buried earlier in the archives)

This is the second part of what has now turned into an piece looking at the upcoming rugby tours. Part one, which is published somewhere back at the end of May, dealt with the Northern Hemisphere visiting teams. This article will have a look at their Southern Hemisphere hosts.

First up, it's South Africa.

South Africa: While their win in Cardiff was impressive due to the way they came back into the game in spite of their unfamiliarity with each other, in the grand scheme of things it isn't very important. The Welsh threw the game away, and the South African's ability to quickly mesh a team of random individuals together probably won't ever be needed again because their first XV is well established and has a big, rich seam of up and coming South African talent to mine.

Kirchner, Aplon and Wynand Olivier in the backs, and Francois Louw and Guthro Steenkamp up front will be given a runout against France that they thoroughly deserve following their standout Super 14 seasons. The Saffers will be interested to see if John Smit's abberation of form and expansion of waist continues, as a tricky decision may then need to be made before the Tri Nations starts.

Pierre Spies must be better incorporated into attacking moves, particularly from set pieces. This can be practised in the second test against Italy. The France encounter will allow his open field game to be expanded.

Pierre Spies is quite good


Rickie Januarie (below) will have to keep up his form, and the back line could do with some more game time to work on quick ball movement.

Australia: The Aussies face England twice, three times if you include the Australian Barbarians, before finishing off against Ireland. If Robbie Deans wants his side to genuinely compete for the 2011 World Cup trophy, then he must win all of these matches. Consistency must be established at this stage, both in mentality and in personnel.

The back division has some challenges ahead. Can Quade Cooper bring his Super 14 form to the table, and will it link with Matt Giteau? The England blitz defence should test this new 10-12 relationship. I would like to see Kurtley Beale (below) on the wing with O'Connor getting all the gametime at fullback. He can be outstanding if he plays enough tests to continue his improvement.

Will Genia will be impressive again, but can his backs capitalise on his fast breaks?

The back row of Elsom, Pocock and Brown should click well. Pocock will be a wall in front of England's midfield, and will prove a pain for the tall English backrowers to remove from the breakdown. He will also cause the Irish as many problems as he did last November.




Pocock


If the pack remains healthy, they will build a stronger link with the backs, somethings lacking for too long. In any case, I think the Aussie backs will end up looking very good this summer.

New Zealand: New Zealand need these tests more than any other nation. Their geographical isolation does provide a tough environment that breeds rugby players like rabbits, but it does mean that the All Blacks are not exposed as much to the differing styles of the Northern Hemisphere teams, and their players cannot move there and gain experience or they will not be selected.

The Welsh and Irish await, and both will provide a reasonable challenge for what is a revamped, but not especially vintage team. The New Zealanders will be looking to test their squad and see if their percieved strengths truly stand up to the test. I think it's almost certain that they will, and I don't predict any of the touring teams getting a win, or coming that close for that matter. The All Blacks must have learned the lessons of France in Wellington last year.

They may wish to start one or both or the Franks brothers in the front row as opposed to Woodcock and Tialata, but considering their strong showings for the Crusaders New Zealand will still be pretty formidable come scrum time. The pack in general will be as bruising and abrasive as usual, but I will be interested to see if Tom Donnelly, Sam Whitelock and Adam Thompson will be as mobile in support as Isaac Ross and Jerome Kaino.




Aaron Cruden


Cowen and Carter should excell together, and Aaron Cruden will probably start for the Maori (1/66,000 Maori I understand) and come off the bench in other tests. Benson Stanley should link well with Conrad Smith in the threequarterline, and Israel Dagg will be dangerous. Fast and agile, with a counterattacking mentality.

Argentina: The Argies will be looking to beat up the Scots and French and affirm that their newfound SANZAR and Tri Nations status is well recieved. While I think they will win one of the two Scotland tests my genuine, non-biased opinion is that Andy Robinson's men will win one of the tests.

The Argentineans need to play test matches even more than the New Zealanders do. This summer, their priority is to establish continuity and cohesion in their back line. The forwards should handle themselves as well as they always do. It will be interesting to see if they can actually go out and properly beat the Scots and French up. Perhaps they will show signs of decline?

Borges and Amorosino on the wings need to see the ball in space, which hasn't happened for quite some time. Contepomi is back at 10 to offset the continuing abscence of Juan Martin Hernandez. If he does not return to the fold soon, the Argentineans are in a fix. As for these tests, Dr. Contepomi below will suffice.

So there we go. My predictions are:

South Africa beat France and Italy. Both are comfortable wins
Australia beat England twice and Ireland. They are relatively close wins
New Zealand beat Wales twice and Ireland. They win big
Argentina beat Scotland once and lose once, and beat a second XV France side. Low scoring?

The South is going to be happy with that!

GM

Remembering Rafa

It all started to go wrong for Rafael Benitez when he decided to grow that goatee beard. In doing so, he had begun to show his age and with it fallibility. Much in the same way that Tom Jones did with his goatee beard - in an attempt to recapture his youth his standards slid (deeper than before unless you like your music straight up the middle of the road) and the underwear of adoring fans was no longer lobbed in his direction. By analogy, the same could be said of Benitez, who became increasingly eccentric towards the end of his six-year tenure at Liverpool. Although the only thing thrown anywhere near him was a suspicious looking beachball in the goalmouth...

Benitez arrived at Anfield with a reputation well earned at Valencia, where he guided a talented but reasonably limited Valencia side to two La Liga titles and a UEFA Cup in his time there. A fresh-faced Benitez was supposed to give Liverpool a fresh start, after the love affair with Gerard Houllier became stale (much like Benitez's own reign ended). It would be hugely unfair to say that he failed to do so in the early days. Although their Premier League form was poor in 2004-05, who can ever forget that night in Istanbul when his side fought so bravely to come from three down to Milan to win on penalties. And don't forget that he got the best out of players previously regarded as average on the Kop - Jamie Carragher, Dietmar Hamann and Jerzy Dudek were all heroic that night. This performance is the one which will always define Benitez and this generation of Liverpool players and can never be taken away from them.

But what is frustrating is how Benitez and his team never managed to kick on from this. The squad was never refreshed in such a way as to meaningfully challenge for serious silverware again. Sure, they got to another Champions League Final in 2007, where Carlo Ancelotti's side exacted their revenge so convincingly, but there is nothing in the proceeding five years which truly justifies Rafa's very recent appointment at Inter, the current UCL holders. First there is his transfer policy, which, as far as I can surmise, is as follows: spend loads of money on loads of equally crap players in the same position. That position being out wide, either in midfield or defence. Here comes another one of my crushing lists. Look away now if you're a Liverpool fan: Jan Kromkamp, Emiliano Insua, Andrea Dossena, Fabio Aurelio, Mark Gonzalez, Albert Riera, Ryan Babel, Jermaine Pennant, a washed up Bolo Zenden, Josemi, Antonio Nunez. When you add in Dirk Kuyt, who is a "grafter" not a genuinely gifted footballer, Andrey Voronin and Lucas Leiva, I think I've made my point. Only to add that one of his two genuinely successful signings, Xabi Alonso, was sold, to be replaced by £20 million crock Alberto Aquilani. And can anyone call proven quality like Fernando Torres a masterstroke of a signing? I know money has been tight at Anfield but Benitez's irresponsibility has bordered on immoral in the current climate.

Then there is the rotation policy. When you have little strength in depth due to financial constraints and you're riding high in the league, as in 08-09, STICK WITH A WINNING TEAM. Can you imagine Benitez at Inter saying "Sorry Wesley, I know your form is excellent and you've single-handedly won matches in the past, but you need a rest - McDonald Mariga will be playing instead." Just no. Another thing that scuppers your chances in a title race is taking your eye off the ball. Engaging in a fight with Sir Alex Ferguson, who is a master craftsman in mind games, is simply unwise. Benitez appeared paranoid and overawed by the elder statesman. Who do you think won the league?

It all went wrong this year and both Benitez and Liverpool need another new leaf turned over. The desperation in fielding a half-fit Torres in an attempt to salvage fourth place was reflective of a man with nothing left to give. And no money to re-arm. Without Torres and with Gerrard horrifically out of form, there was no attacking threat, save for David N'Gog. Only keeper Pepe Reina can hold his head high. But, Benitez has come away with a dream job and several of his ex-charges may follow. Javier Mascherano would be a good fit in the organised Inter system, a superior Thiago Motta. Kuyt, Gerrard and Torres may also be on the move. Liverpool will need a new manager, capable of dealing with egos simply and effectively - getting the focus back onto the pitch for fans and players alike. Roy Hodgson may be that man, rather than England's man.

Benitez accomplished much in six years at Liverpool and is obviously a top class manager. But he outstayed his welcome and this exposed his weaknesses and undesirable character traits to the world. These must be ironed out if he is to succeed at Inter.

US fail to take in surroundings

The USA received a motivational speech from a helicopter pilot today, as encouragement before their World Cup opener against England on Saturday. This pilot inspired the film Black Hawk Down, set in Somalia. I'm not really sure whether the message was "You, like me, can triumph over adversity" or "Welcome to Africa - the genocide here is a bitch. Watch your backs!" Either way, it's a slightly insensitive move towards the host continent (for that is what this tournament has become - Africa's World Cup).

Should have got the guy who splashed down into the Hudson to save confusion.
RM

The County Scene: Week 11 - Tigers crumble in three as Saffers star in shorter form

Before we hit the main issues in English cricket this week, I would first like to share a nice little moment I experienced earlier this week. I was watching highlights of Zimbabwe vs India from Harare (as you do) and Ravindra Jadeja had just spanked another six over long-off. As is the annoying trend these days, music blared out of the tannoy in response to this blow. What did they play? Jedward. Simple pleasures and all that...

Anyway, in all the excitement caused by the meaningless tri-series in Africa, I almost forgot there was a test match on at Old Trafford. The result was as I predicted:

England 419 (Bell 128, Prior 93, Pietersen 64, Shakib 5-121) beat Bangladesh 216 (Tamim 108, Swann 5-76) and 123 (f/o) (Finn 5-42) by an innings and 80 runs.

It was a pretty spectacular/pathetic collapse by Bangladesh's batsman in the face of some tricky conditions and very capable bowling from England. Finn's figures flattered him slightly, as it was Jimmy Anderson and debutant Ajmal Shahzad who particularly impressed, making use of conventional and reverse swing respectively to totally outclass all bar Tamim, who again played without restraint in another exuberant knock. It took two beauties from Anderson to remove him. And only Abdur Razzak in the lower order was able to play Graeme Swann on a track which has been a haven for many an England spinner over the years (witness Ashley Giles to Damien Martyn in 2005 and Monty Panesar to 11 Pakistanis in 2006). However, the ball of the match goes to Bangladesh skipper Shakib Al Hasan, who removed the untroubled Ian Bell with a ripper that pitched on leg and spat back to hit off. The slow left armers union rejoiced. Well I did anyway. It was a timely innings for both Bell and Prior, who effortlessly made scores after being put under some scrutiny recently. Prior only really got out trying to improvise with the tail-end, but looked much more mature with bat and gloves in this match. This was a positive response to pressure, notably from Steven Davies and Craig Kieswetter. Other than that, not much can be learned from this performance, such was the comprehensive nature of it and the feeble capitualtion of the opposition.

So on now to the Victoria Sponge Lad of the Week Award. Nominations are taken from week 1 of the FP t20 tournament:

Loots Bosman (Derbyshire) - The Falcons got off to a flyer, with two comfortable victories out of two. They managed to beat Leicestershire by 11 runs in their opener, with Bosman top scoring with 39 out of 165-5. The real star was Steffan Jones, who picked up 3-20 off his overs, in the face of an Andrew McDonald onslaught (67 off 50) but the Foxes never quite looked like making it. However, the South African opener, who failed in the World T20 last month but has been brutal in the past up top with Graeme Smith, came to the party big time against Yorkshire. He made 94 off 50 in a partnership of 141 with young West Indian Chesney Hughes (who looks a bit of a find by the way). Despite Aussie Clint McKay picking up 4-33, Bosman lifted his new side to 222-5. Which is massive. Yorkshire never even got close, losing by 65 runs.

Imran Tahir (Warwickshire) - It could be argued that I've plumped for another South African here. Tahir was called up for the 3rd Test against England in the winter as competition for Paul Harris, the left-arm piechucker. However, Tahir is from Pakistan and hadn't got the relevant paperwork to make him eligible to play for the Proteas. Much embarrassment for the selectors as Harris was rapidly re-instated. The fact remains though that Tahir is a man that they will need in the future. Warwickshire have been crap in the Championship this year, a fact I have relished as Somerset have pumped them home and away. However, they are a threat in limited overs cricket. When a bowler bowls 4-0-14-3 in T20, it's been a good day for him. When you add the fact that it was three of Northants' most dangerous international batsmen (Mal Loye, Niall O'Brien, Nicky Boje) that he got out and you realise how big Tahir's contribution was. BUT HE DIDN'T GET MAN OF THE MATCH. Having restricted the opposition to 147-5, way below par, Darren Maddy, a previous winner with Leicestershire, smashed 88 of 42 to lead the side home by 8 wickets. He would not have been able to do this so freely if Tahir hadn't set the game up for him. It's a batsman game...

Michael Yardy (Sussex) - another left-arm spinner and member of the victorious England side, Sussex skipper Yardy's little innocuous darts have proved so hard to get away as the champions got off to a 100% start. Somerset were crushed by 53 runs at Hove, Yardy with 4-0-17-2 (I maintain that James Hildreth's lbw decision was a shocker and a turning point in the match but hey ho). He then went even better with 4-0-14-2 against Middlesex in a 28 run victory. In a low scoring game, it was even more crucial that he contributed with the bat, something he doesn't do as regularly in this form as in county, given his reputation as a nudger and nurdler. Yet a crucial 37* off 28 in a stand with overseas man Dwayne Smith lifted his side to a winning total.

The winner... just because he doesn't get enough recognition. Imran Tahir. LAD.
RM

Africa's World Cup offers hope for the future

First of all, it is a relief to see that I can use technology beyond that used to create the Bradford-o-meter. This is a great step forward for Beyond the Cliche and having had a short teleconference last night, we are pleased to announce that further "technological developments" are in the pipeline. Anyway, now for more musings from South Africa, although this time musings of some significance rather than reflecting on the form of their cricket team.

Everyone is talking about the World Cup. Even the middle-aged women at work (the flags of St. George are up there as well, joy of joys). It is a big moment, not just for South Africa, but for the entire continent. This is their first chance to prove that they can host a massive global event to the standards of Western countries in the 21st century. It is a chance to show a continent which can stand on its own two feet and does not need dictated to by superpowers (was dictated a bad word Mr Mugabe?). It is a chance to show that they can overcome adversity and troubles from the past and show progression and a willingness to change.

As the images show, the stadiums that South Africa has (eventually) produced are of a very high standard and do indeed match the efforts of Japan, South Korea and Germany from the past two tournaments. The main concern is how they will be used after the tournament. You are highly unlikely to squeeze 60,000 Kaizer Chiefs fans into Kings Park for example - I predict few riots over sold out matches anyway (so so sorry!). So really, the stadiums are there for this tournament alone, which is fine.

When you consider other areas of infrastructure though, you can see quite clearly how the people of South Africa will benefit. The roads and transport links have needed to be upgraded to meet the demands of the expected 350,000 visitors over the next month. Indeed, Cape Town airport is now said to be of world class standard, both in terms of facilities and organisation. So like Heathrow, with organisation. These links will remain for use after the tournament, easing congestion in the major cities, lowering pollution by proxy. Soweto's Soccer City in Jo'burg, where the final is held, is in one of the city's poorer areas, so the facelift which it has been given will hopefully extend to improving quality of life for it's citizens. That or the rape and murder rates will increase exponentially as the affluent foreign fans come to visit. The overall expansion and modernisation of South Africa will create more jobs, shifting the focus from the primary and secondary sectors of farming and manufacture into public services, catching up with the progression that most modern societies have already made.

Hopefully, the changes in South Africa will catch on elsewhere in Africa. When you consider how far the Rainbow Nation has come since the backward thinking of as little as 20 years ago, it gives you hope. Whether this hope will lead to something more tangible remains to be seen.
RM

World Cup Preview: Group E

Netherlands





Coach: Bert Van Marwijk. The last man to coach a Dutch club team to a European title, the UEFA Cup with Feyenoord in 2002. Guided the Dutch through their strongest qualification yet, accumulating the best record in Europe, dancing on the Hampden sidelines and subsequently making me a rather unhappy Tartan Army chappie. Dick

Team: 4-5-1 is the name of the game with the Dutch, and they will stick to to unwaveringly, much as they did at Euro 2008 and World Cup 2006 and Euro 2004.

The Dutch won none of these tournaments. They did not even come particularly close to winning these tournaments (they basically got as close as England did. When England were actually there as well). For a team that is perennially billed as a favourite, it's not exactly a vote of confidence in their big game ability to constantly find themselves out of tournaments by the end of the quarterfinals.

I don't think this will change in South Africa. I could well be wrong, but of all the teams in this competition that could be billed as genuine contendors for the Rimet trophy, it is the Netherlands that I trust the least, and by a considerably margin. It is not just rehashing old stereotypes about not being 'tournament performers' if there is actually a reasonably large recent evidence base to back the claim up

Holland will play one man alone up front to facilitate the use of a playmaking 10 and two proper wingers. The lone striker, sadly, will be either Dirk 'The Tryer' Kuyt or Robin Van Persieee-awww-I-broke-my-foot. If Robin has decided to read this preview, chances are he has broken his eyeballs by this stage and thus cannot read my disparaging comments about him. Ha.

My point in that last paragraph, badly illustrated, is that the Dutch currently do not have a Van Nistelrooy, a proper striker who can actually combine scoring with being physical and running about without dying (ironically, Van Nistelrooy was useless for Holland). Huntelaar? No.

Arjen Robben and Wesley Sneijder were both sensational this season, and are going to prove bloody murderous to the other group members' defences. But when the hard games come, will they just be neutralised like Robben was in the Champions League final? The Russians managed it at Euro 2008 after all.

Those are the issues I have with the Dutch attack, but the obvious flip side is that Holland are generally flowing and direct, and have scored heaps of goals in qualifying. And in spite of the doubts, the players I've mentioned are genuinely world class talents (OK, maybe not Kuyt).

But that just adds to the way I feel about this team. If you can look at such brilliant talents in attack and still have your doubts, then either there is something wrong with you or there is actually something to be concerned about. I may be proved wrong about this, I admit that, but at least I have the balls to just come out and say "I don't trust the Dutch. I am ruling them out as contendors", instead of just coming out with some wishy-washy vanilla opinion.

As for their defence, again, I have pretty big doubts as to how reliable Holland's good record actually is. The back four is not very good. Heitinga, Van Der Wiel; would you call them worthy of World Cup winners? And Van Bronckhorst was cut to shreds by Stevie Naismith for crying out loud!

Prediction: Out in the quarterfinals.

How to insult a Dutchman: Buy loads of his tulips, then decide to stop liking tulips anymore and cause his economy to collapse and everyone to starve. Be German. Abhor prostitution and drug misuse. Call his daughter a Dyke (haw haw haw).

If they were a medical condition: Jaundice could produce the desired orange colouration. As could getting cancer from a sunbed. Fluid imbalance; leave the bath running too long and the entire country could flood.

Denmark





Coach: Morten Olsen. Long time coach (since 2000) and quite frankly a bit of a lad. Has got a good handle on his current players, and has maximised their performances in qualifying. Danish fans love him. Expect cool banners of his face superimposed onto the torso of a Viking.

Team: Denmark's squad will be recognisable to anyone who has watched international football since about 2002. A lot of the faces around then are still hanging on. Sadly not on the scene is Ebbe Sand. Not because he was vital to the team, or any other important reason. Just because he had a cool and amusing name. I liked Ebbe Sand.

Thankfully not around is the ugly mug of ex-Real Madrid supremo Thomas Gravesen. Yes, once again to reitirate, that did actually happen dear readers. You did not go temporarily schitzo that day. Usefully for Denmark, they have a few midfielders able to carry on Gravesen's legacy of clogging and persistent fouling. Christian Poulsen and his face is still around, though sadly Francisco Totti's spit is no longer around to decorate it.

Daniel Jensen is a slightly higher breed of midfielder, and has at least played some this season with Werder Bremen (Poulsen has flopped miserably at Juve). Kwist of Copenhagen should complete the triumvirate in midfield.

Still around up front are the Premiership legends Dennis Rommedahl and Jesper Gronkjaer. See, told you that you'd recognise them. Rommedahl, by general consensus one of the top wing men Charlton Athletic has seen in the past 5 years bar Darren Ambrose and Radostin Kishishev, still starting at international level is quite frankly farce. And Gronjkaer isn't much better. Younger and more talented option Thomas Kahlenberg has had what can only be described as a complete skitemare of a season. In other words, he is in no state to be relied on in the Rainbow Nation.

Niklas Bendtner as the target man is young at least, and has had a decent season. He remains though, an annoying petulent prick. The reserve option here comes from the shattered husk of what used to be John Dal Tomasson. Just let him go to sleep in peace Denmark. He's world weary.

Simon Kjaer and Daniel Agger at centre back are both, again, young. They are also athletic and talented, providing Denmark with a good defensive spine. Kjaer will be picked up by someone big after the tournament provided he doesn't fall on his arse too much or start a fight with Eric Djemba-Djemba. I would suggest that he fits Juventus well, or Roma if everyone else is scaffy and doesn't bother signing him.

Thomas Sorensen, or the Danish Mark Schwarzer as I think of him, is a good keeper recovering from a pretty bad injury. Hopefully he's good to go, and if so is another strength to complement the centreback pairing.

Prediction: Will the Dane's be able to cope with Cameroon? Partly this rests on Cameroon not degenerating into a farcical rioting mob, which is actually quite likely, but mainly it is dependent on Denmark's midfield being able to keep up with younger legs, and their wingers being able to relive their form of the past...

Um, I'm going to side with Cameroon on this one. Third in the group.

How to insult a Dane: State that you always preferred Mecano. Be Jewish or Muslim and therefore don't consume the only two things Denmark actually exports; bacon and beer. Call them Norwegian. Call them Swedish. Piss on the Mermaid Statue in Copenhagen. State that Einstein was clearly superior to Bohr.


Japan





Coach: Takeshi Okada. Japan have gone back to a domestic coach after their dalliances with foreigners Zico and Ivica Osim. Has taken Japan back to a system of rigidity, with a clear plan, instead of Zico’s ultimately futile attempts to force the Japanese to play with creativity. Could be mistaken for George Takei from a distance.

Team: Japan will suffer again from the problem that has plagued them throughout their international history; they field a team that is likely to be physically inferior to their opponents, and the technical brilliance they rely on to compensate turns out to be pretty mediocre stuff, only really fit for the J-League.

The hulking Danes and Cameroonians will certainly be able to outmuscle the Japanese. To be honest, this isn’t that likely to affect them that much as they have grown to expect it by now. Sadly, their flair players, the ones that will be crucial in overcoming the physical disparity, are hardly in the best of shape.

Previous stalwarts Shinsuke Nakamura and Junichi Inamoto have been worn down by Scottish studs and English shoulder charges throughout their careers and are now pretty frail. It is unlikely that they will be able to rise above the bullying and intimidation of opposing defenders and create chances.

Credit to Japan, they have worked hard to find new goal-getting talents, an area they were sorely deficient in at previous competitions. A new breed of Japanese front man is developing, characterised by Shinji Okazaki, so proficient in the J-League, and Takayuki Morimoto, whose development in Serie A has taken even myself by surprise (I was high on him from the start at Catania). He seems destinded to become a Nakata-esque figure in Italy.

Keisuke Honda is another impressive talent. Plying his trade with CSKA Moscow, the winger or attacking midfielder has strength and good touch. He will probably be the most dangerous Japanese player at the tournament.

A creaking defence that was run into the ground by England last week bodes ill. The two own goals in that game confirmed that the Japanese defence is still as error-prone as it was at times even in 2002, and they have aged quite obviously into the bargain. In spite of his ability to find his own net, Tulio Tanaka is a good centreback and should do well.

All in all, the signs are not encouraging for Japan. The team is still unsure as to whether it his a free-flowing attacking power or a well-marshalled defensive side. When all is said and done, they will probably have succeeded at neither.

Prediction: Absolutely zero chance in hell.

How to insult a Japanese person: Tell them that 100 hours a week is, in fact, not even remotely near to the average working week in normal countries and is a prospect even a junior doctor would balk at. Remark that your house is bigger than a cupboard. Use a mobile in a public place. Complain that the train is late. Disparage their ancestors' glorious memories. Shout 'Kamikaze' loudly when going for a tackle in a casual kickabout. Punch a hole through their (paper) wall.


Cameroon





Coach: Paul Le Guen. Replaced the manificent, heroic, noble figure of Otto Pfister, that cigar-smoking, unbuttoned-shirt-wearing septagenarian lord of African football. Beyond the Cliché mourns your demise. Admittedly, Pfister did a god awful job during the qualifying campaign, and if it wasn’t for Le Guen Cameroon almost certainly wouldn’t be here. Forever more the butt of jokes from half the Old Firm, I still maintain that he got a raw deal at Rangers and got sacked, essentially, because he didn’t see the inherent merit of playing 38 year old Alex Rae and his pathetic ilk instead of decent young continental players like Clement. Plus, I have met his daughter and she is very nice and rather attractive.

Team: Cameroonians are rightly proud of their record at World Cup finals, and this current team should hopefully add to the nation’s list of achievements.

Essentially, this Cameroon side consists of the best young players from four years ago, who have now matured significantly, plus an infusion of sprightly, France-born talent. Oh, and Eto’o. Of course.

All this hullabaloo about Eto’o being sufficiently insulted by Roger Milla’s comments as to pull out of the squad all together should be taken with a rather large grain of South Saharan salt. Eto’o is too passionate about representing his nation to leave them in the lurch, and good for him. Whatever Milla insinuated about lack of effort is just plain wrong and out of line in my book.

Eto’o is Cameroon’s shining light, a mercurial talent. Africa certainly has a phenomenal ability to produce national talisman frontmen; Eto’o, Drogba, Adebayor, Diouf(?). If you’re going to have one world class player in your squad, might as well make it an out and out goalscorer eh?

Cameroon’s back four has been solidified by the addition of Sebastien Bassong and Benoit Assou-Ekotto of Spurs. Sorry, Champions League Spurs. Stephen M’Bia can play centreback or holding midfield, but will be deployed at right back to allow Nicolas Nkoulou to fill the other centrehalf spot. He can be praised as the young man that finally ousted Rigobert Song from the national side. The back four is fast and strong in the air and the tackle. Prone to the odd mistake certainly, but in my opinion of a pretty high standard.

Midfield will be Alex Song and either Jean Makoun or Eyong Enoh of Ajax (tongue twister. Say it 5 times fast with marbles in your mouth). All are quick around the park, sharp in the tackle and generally reliable. Song in particular blossomed at Arsenal this season and should reap the benefits at international level (blossom like a Song bird, you might say. If you were a bit weird). Joel Matip is another youngster, playing with Schalke, who may see playing time.

Flanking them are Achile Emana of Toulouse and Kaiserslautern's Georges Mandjeck, both competent although not out and out wingers. Eto'o's strike partner will likely be Webo. Decent enough bloke, not much else to say about him really.

Prediction: Outlast the Dane's, outclass the Japanese, get outplayed in the knockout stages. At least will take the African quotient in my admittedly quite optimistic/fanciful predictions up by one. What can I say, the World Cup in Africa, a continent inspired. I'm a romantic and I've falled for it all. Oh the World Cup is glorious!

How to insult a Cameroonian: Insult Samuel Eto'o (Nice one Roger Milla). Insult Roger Milla (nice one Eto'o). Remark on how crap a nickname the 'Indomitable Lions' is. Much like Ghana, ask when the next coup d'etat is. Get Cameroon confused with the 40 other African nations whose national flags and colours are basically just the same but in different orders (Senegal is particularly similar. Remember; green, red and yellow NOT Green yellow and red. Wait, actually...).


GM

Teams to hit the ground running in NFC West

In a division where no one QB stands apart from the rest, the NFC West could end up going the way of the team which runs the ball best. There are plenty of talented guys in the backfield in each of the four teams but it will also be worth considering the other offensive weapons available as well as defensive and special teams contributions when predicting which way it will go. It's still the lowest quality division in the NFL though...

Arizona Cardinals - The last two seasons read well for Cards fans - NFC champions and beaten in the divisional match. It will not go this way for them in 2010, for one very simple reason - Kurt Warner has retired and Matt Leinart is not a sufficient replacement at QB. Which is a shame because they really do have a receiver corps with potential - if Early Doucet and Steve Breaston can match the big numbers of Larry Fitzgerald, the offense would be laughing. But when you have a QB in whom the management appear to have little trust, (if the signing of Derek Anderson and the flirting with Charlie Whitehurst and Marc Bulger are anything to go on) then there is no guarantee that these targets will be found at the crucial times. With Anquan Boldin gone, further productivity is lost. It will be up to second year pro, RB Beanie Wells, to surpass the work of Tim Hightower, who is not exactly an elite rusher in the NFL, to give the offense some certainty. Darnell Dockett and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie will lead the line and secondary respectively but the loss of Antrel Rolle will be massive, with the lack of a ball-hawk deep limiting the amount of turnovers available to the team. Ken Whisenhurst has his work cut out having spent the off-season cutting rather than recruiting. 7-9.

San Francisco 49ers - Ah the Niners. So popular in the 80s with the classic Montana-Rice combination, it was on that basis that the decision to bring them to Wembley was made. Much like bringing the Broncos was for the John Elway fan club. A Smith-Crabtree combination doesn't have the same ring to it. Yet it is with that combination that the Niners must compete to impress their extensive fan base. It is a known fact that QB Alex Smith is a lad, albeit one who doesn't move his feet enough. So Mike Singletary made the sensible decision of drafting a couple of O-Linemen in the first round. Good ones too (Tackle Anthony Davis and Guard Mike Iupati). The extra protection given to Smith should compensate for his deficits (lack of intangibles, whatever they are) and allow him time to play less frenetically and complete a few more passes. The burgeoning receivers, led by Michael Crabtree and TE Vernon Davis better have their hands ready. One of the more interesting characters is RB Frank Gore. He has continually looked a powerhouse over the years and showed flashes of brilliance early on in 2009, with over 200 yards in a game against the Seahawks. Yet the Niners overall running game was one of the worst in the NFL. So either Gore needs to up his productivity and consistency or they need some decent back-up, particularly when you factor in the flaky QB. The defence is solid, led by Patrick Willis and Justin Lee and will be boosted by SS Taylor Mays in the secondary. Watch out for K "Deadly" Joe Nedney! An improving outfit in a weakening division. 10-6 (first winning record in a long time!)

Seattle Seahawks - My old flatmate is a Seahawks fan. Poor bastard. There is really nothing exciting at all about this team. Especially since LenDale White got cut and Walter Jones retired. It's a shame they didn't sign Terrell Owens really, the publicity alone would have made the 'Hawks palatable. Russell Okung has been brough in to replace Jones, with the sole purpose of ensuring that QB Matt Hasselbeck's body doesn't fall apart completely. The marvellously named Golden Tate, long time target for Jimmy Clausen at Notre Dame, has also arrived. Mediocrity is prevalent right the way down the roster, although on paper the running game should be good, with Julius Jones, Justin Forsett and Leon Washington, signed from the Jets, all vying for game time. That's about it really. Oh, except I hope Lawyer Milloy keeps Earl Thomas on the sidelines. Just because of the name (query a career change for Graeme?). 5-11 and no-one will care. Except my old flatmate.

St. Louis Rams - There is only one reason why you get the first overall draft selection. It's because you sucked the year before. To remedy this, the Rams cut QB Marc Bulger and brought in Sam Bradford and with him several questions. Will his shoulder hold up after surgery? Will he recover his form before said injury? Can he adapt his game to an NFL offense? Will he actually make a blind bit of difference to his team's form? To answer such question, I have devised a Bradford-ometer, which will pop up at various times during the regular season (they won't make the playoffs) to decide if he really is capable at this level. See below for the prototype. A lot will depend, as usual, on RB Steven Jackson. There's not really much more to say. 3-13 if they get lucky.

I seriously will not be tuning in to any divisional games!

RM