The Case For The Defense

Firstly, thanks to Ryan for highlighting to you all my 'informed' preseason picks while I was away supporting Scotland in Dublin - it was great to be humiliated as soon as I got home.

Actually, I don't think that I have much to be embarassed about this year.

Did I get the top 4 correct? Yes I did. Fine, the order was completely different but I was able to see the flaws in all of the three teams fighting for the title, and sure enough they were all manifest to some extent throughout the year. Certainly, nobody thought that this years Man United side would be a vintage one and their success, in my view anyway, mostly comes down to a Chelsea collapse after the Blues had started so well.

All in all, the standard of this year's Premier League was poor. None of the eventual top four below Man U can be that happy with their performances. Manchester City at least got their cherished Champions League place, but at what cost? Oh yes, that's right; £160 million.

I had predicted Liverpool, Everton and Spurs being the only teams competing for the lesser European places; the fact that this was exactly what happened in spite of terrible form by Liverpool and Everton and injury crises at Spurs reinforces the fact that the teams that finished below this group were really pretty dire.

Aston Villa emphasise this, finishing as they did comfortably safe in spite of their travails, as do Newcastle, a team that would have been fighting relegation on the final day in a stronger season. Not this year.

I do admit that I let my personal dislike of Mark Hughes get the better of my common sense; of course Fulham were going to be a top half team. I was spot on with regards Sunderland; they finished tenth, and I have no idea how. They could easily have been 4 places higher or 6 places lower.

Nobody saw Blackpool's rollercoaster ride to relegation coming, and I at least got their demise correct. My worst picks were obviously Birmingham and West Ham to be safe when both were actually relegated. Again though, nobody saw those two teams down there at the season's start. Birmingham even won the Carling Cup on their way to spending next year visiting Barnsley. Hell, Ryan wrote a relegation prediction piece a mere two weeks before the season's end and didn't feel the need to mention Alex McLeish's men in it at all (further proof that bad predictions are a specialty at BtC). It just goes to show that any team which wins most of it's games 1-0 should be immediately distrusted the next year.

Overall, the jist of my predictions wasn't too shabby. I won't claim credit for obvious picks, like Wigan and Wolves being shit (although at least a handful of national press had Wolves as a 'new Birmingham' who would finish in the top half. Well, they'll certainly be much like Birmingham again next season...). Likewise, events like the random sacking of Big Sam really just screwed up everything we thought about certain teams.

I don't think I did that well in my predictions. However, to use a legal principle, I think that there is certainly reasonable doubt present and thus I really don't deserve to go to jail for my work. I certainly don't want to be there. I've only just found out what gay men think of me...

GM

The Case for the Prosecution

With Graeme a few short months away from embarking upon a new career in Law (with a bit of History thrown in for fun), I thought it was about time he stood trial for his Premier League predictions at the start of the season. Just for a bit of fun, let's see what he called correctly and what he got spectacularly wrong. Maybe once (or if, depending on Iceland's latest contribution to the atmosphere) he returns from his piss-up in Dublin, he may conjure up a passable defense. Here goes:

1st - Manchester United (predicted 3rd) - Graeme said: "The season where tired legs finally fail?" What actually happened: Proved they had the depth to maintain consistent results and win the league. The old-timers were some of the more excellent performers (on and off the field in the case of R*** G****)

2nd - Chelsea (predicted 1st) - Graeme said: "Bringing in a new face or two should seal the deal" What actually happened: They brought in Fernando Torres and David Luiz. Torres scored once and Luiz, whilst composed on the ball, looked blunder-prone.

3rd - Manchester City (predicted 4th) - Graeme said: "Still not good enough but 4th place is easily within their reach" What actually happened: They qualified easily for the Champions League but never looked like challenging the top two for the title. Calling Roberto Mancini a "good, but not great manager" looks a fair assessment also and he is on borrowed time next year without Carlos Tevez.

4th - Arsenal (predicted 2nd) - Graeme said: "Still too naive and Plan B isn't up to scratch" What actually happened: They played naively and without a plan B towards the end of the season, having dazzled early on

5th - Tottenham (predicted 6th) - Graeme said: "They've deluded themselves somewhat with their squad depth" What actually happened: Ran deeper than expected in the Champions League, before injuries to the likes of Gareth Bale cost them dearly in their campaign to get back into the competition.

6th - Liverpool (predicted 5th) - Graeme said: "Torres, Gerrard and Reina will win them games on their own" What actually happened: Torres left, Gerrard got injured and Reina became dodgy. Only the spirit from the return of King Kenny dragged the Reds to any respectability. But they should fare better next year if they NESV invest a bit.

7th - Everton (predicted 7th!) - Graeme said: "On paper they are very talented, but injuries and other issues always stop them realising their full potential". What actually happened: Exactly what Graeme said would happen. Except for Jermaine Beckford - he's still shit on paper.

8th - Fulham (predicted 13th) - Graeme said: "Mark Hughes is massively overrated and won't be taking Fulham above 10th anytime soon" What actually happened: They finished 8th

9th - Aston Villa (predicted 8th) - Graeme said: "I can't see them slipping that badly provided a good manager is brought in" What actually happened: They slipped very badly and flirted with relegation for a time before staging a Darren Bent-inspired recovery. But then they had brought in Gerard Houllier, so I can't blame Graeme for that one!

10th - Sunderland (predicted 10th!) - Graeme said: "I'm going for them to finish Top 10 with no real evidence to explain why" What actually happened: They actually did finish in the top 10 and, true to form, I cannot for the life of me explain how they managed it, such was their atrocious form after the turn of the year

11th - West Brom (predicted 18th) - Graeme said: "They do so little of interest when they are up, that they are dismissed" What actually happened: Showed a number of teams that they are actually a force to be reckoned with (Man United, Arsenal) and showed other teams just how good Roy Hodgson was as a manager (Liverpool). In Soman Tchoyi and Peter Odemwingie, they have the goals to put an end to the yo-yo years.

12th - Newcastle (predicted 17th) - Graeme said: "Not a good team by Premiership standards" What actually happened: In spite of losing their talisman at Christmas and being managed by Alan Pardew, they actually seem a pretty respectablt team by Premiership standards. Memorable wins over Sunderland and Villa at home make this a season to savour in parts.

13th - Stoke (predicted 15th) - Graeme said: "Are solid enough. Are dull. But not dull enough to get relegated" What actually happened: Played vibrant total football that stunned the wo... no they were dull.

14th - Bolton (predicted 12th) - Graeme said: "Owen Coyle should improve their chances". What actually happened: Secured safety early and tailed off thereafter. Are much more pleasing on the eye these days, for which a lot of the credit must go to Coyle.

15th - Blackburn (predicted 11th) - Graeme said: "Big Sam is still a good bet to keep a team safely camoflagued in mid-table" What actually happened: Big Sam did just. And then the new owners fired him and brough Steve Kean in. They survived relegation on the last day.

16th - Wigan (predicted 19th) - Graeme said: "Pretty passing football does not work if you are based in the North" What actually happened: It worked. Just. That and they brought Ali Al-Habsi in on loan and he managed to clean up Gary Caldwell's mess.

17th - Wolves (predicted 16th) - Graeme said: "You know the bubble will burst sooner or later" What actually happened: The bubble was just about to pop when Jamie O'Hara and Steven Hunt rescued them at Molineux. There's always next season though...

18th - Birmingham (predicted 9th) - Graeme said: "A side no-one wants to watch but no-one wants to play" What actually happened: Yes no-one wanted to watch them. But everyone wanted a piece of Alex McLeish's men and they sank into the Championship.

19th - Blackpool (predicted 20th) - Graeme said: "Basically, they are fucked". What actually happened: Eventually they were fucked, but not before entertaining us with some brave performances and a great team spirit that was greater than the sum of its' parts. They will be missed.

20th - West Ham (predicted 14th) - Graeme said: "Last seasons shambles will hopefully be forgotten". What actually happened: It was forgotten - but only because this season was even more shambolic. But hey, I won a tenner out of their misery and gloated to some very miserable Hammer fans. Who quite frankly need to get a grip of reality.

So all in all, a pretty solid performance from Mr Milloy with just a couple of howlers. And there rests the prosecution.
RM

Together Standing Tall

OK, so in case you hadn't noticed I am going to use obscure song lyrics as titles for any article relating to the international summer of cricket just to amuse myself, if nobody else. This week's title relates to the selection of an Irishman in the only spot that was genuinely up for grabs in the England Test team. More on that in a bit. Let's first look at Sri Lanka's final warm-up game before the series starts in Cardiff on Thursday:

Tour match (Derby): Sri Lanka 266 (Randiv 76*, Dernbach 5-44) and 448 fo (Paranavitana 125, Dilshan 117, Samaraweera 74, Dernbach 4-94) beat England Lions 493-8d (Morgan 193, Patel 119, Taylor 76) and 183 (Pradeep 4-29) by 38 runs

It says a lot about the character of the touring team that they were able to get themselves up for a tour match in unfamiliar conditions after being asked to follow-on. Five players were newly arrived from the IPL, although only Suraj Randiv had any real impact with the bat first time around. They also made good use of a howling gale on the final day to complete the comeback - the seamers running in downwind and running through a strong young lineup, whilst Randiv toiled admirably into the wind at the other end - he is a good honest cricketer, unlikely to oust Mendis and Herath for the Tests. Howling wind aside however, the attack continued to look placid first up on a good batting deck, although once again the Sri Lankan openers were able to cash in as well as the home batsmen. Nuwan Pradeep looked the quickest of the bunch, although he has now had to fly home with a knee complaint, whilst fellow spearhead Dilhara Fernando is also struggling with a nagging problem. Farveez Maharoof has been drafted in from Lancashire. Big guns Kumar Sangakkara and Mahela Jayawardene failed to find any real runs on this occasion but you would never bet against them scoring heavily when the pressure is really on, particularly when you consider that no England bowler has dismantled teams as expected on the county circuit. It will be interesting to see how they go at the SWALEC Stadium - particularly as it is probably the closest to the slow and flat wickets that they will be familiar with.

From England's point of view, this game was always going to be a battle between Eoin Morgan and Ravi Bopara for the spot vacated by Paul Collingwood after the Ashes. Morgan scored big runs, Bopara did not, so on the face of it, the decision seemed a simple one. However, it cannot have been taken lightly - Bopara has scored a couple of hundreds for Essex already this summer and has succeeded with his reliable medium pace bowling, whereas Morgan has been lining his pockets in the IPL. Questions have inevitably been asked about Morgan's commitment to Test match cricket, but to my mind these are irrelevant - his temperament is unquestionably better than Bopara's at the highest level. So Morgan gets the first shot to cement his place in the side. Bopara will continue to breathe down his neck in domestic cricket, as will James Taylor and Lions' captain James Hildreth. Steven Finn is the other Lion named in the squad but he only took 3 wickets in the match and was expensive, meaning he will probably be the man to carry the drinks in favour of Chris Tremlett. Tremlett's Surrey team-mate Jade (he must hate his parents) Dernbach was the pick of the attack here and he will want to continue his form and push for recognition later in the summer. However, the starting XI pretty much picks itself for now with Tim Bresnan injured, and we know all about what those guys can do - we will wait and see how the Test pans out.

Finally a quick word on Samit Patel - I saw him bowl in a Championship match for Notts against Sussex recently, where he comfortably outbowled Graeme Swann in the spin department. His fitness problems have been well documented in the past but he now finally appears to have reached a level sufficient to be considered for this match and he didn't disappoint with a typically aggressive hundred. In light of Michael Yardy's health problems, I wouldn't be surprised to see him line up with Swann in the ODIs in June.

RM

Summer Sun, Something's Begun

It gave me a great sense of relief to see that Graeme bit the bullet and endured the torture that it writing the obligatory "thank the Lord the SPL season is over" article. It also heartened me to see that his minority sport had a £1.1 million cut to its' budget due to "lack of participation" recently. No such thing in the world of cricket, even if some of the counties don't even have the budget to afford good-quality teabags these days. So I think it is entirely justified that I bring the readers another glorious summer of leather on willow, albeit cutting out most of the county crap and focusing on the international game. We start with the Sri Lankans, who arrived from all corners of the globe, be it home, the IPL or disappointing county stints in the Westcountry (more moaning about Ajantha Mendis to come this summer, rest assured). The first warm-up game took them to a chilly Uxbridge, where they faced a Middlesex side who have enjoyed a great start to the Championship season, although shorn of many of their regulars for this encounter. There was, however, one familiar face who may just have set the tone for the tour...

Tour match (Uxbridge): Sri Lanka 309-2d (Dilshan 123, Paranavitana 103) and 216-6 beat Middlesex 360-8d (Strauss 151, Housego 104) and 161 by 4 wickets

So a winning start for our tourists. They will be slightly concerned by the form of some of their bowlers though. The stand-out was Chanaka Welegedara, who picked up 5 wickets in the match and caused the Middlesex batsmen trouble with his swing second time around. Sri Lanka will hope to utilise him as the long-term successor to Chaminda Vaas, currently enjoying a renaissance with Northants. He will be relied upon to be accurate and penetrative with the new ball, probably in partnership with the pacier Dilhara Fernando, who is still on IPL duty. Suranga Lakmal and Farveez Maharoof look nothing more than capable backups, carrying little threat should the England batsmen hit their straps. Then there is the spin duo of Mendis and Rangana Herath. Mendis was simply gash in first-class cricket for Somerset, the mystery decoded and the front foot overstepping far too often. His freakishly strong fingers do not impart enough spin to devaite enough on pitches away from the subcontinent, so you can expect Pietersen et al to go after him. Herath is a more wily character, an accurate left-armer who possesses just enough variation to keep the batsmen honest. However, much as I hate to say it, how often do you see left-arm spinners singlehandedly winning test matches?

The opening batsmen made hay against a second string Middlesex attack, but all the same you have to admire the way skipper Tillekaratne Dilshan adapted so quickly to English conditions and the first-class game so soon after leaving the IPL. True, he did attack the spin of young Tom Smith, hitting a massive six out of the ground, but this is a totally different set of circumstances and he has proven how dangerous the batting lineup, still incomplete without former captains Sangakkara and Mahela Jayawardene, could be. Tharanga Paranavitana is an interesting case. He is an archetypal opener, with good technique and concentration but as yet has not been tested outside of the subcontinent in his first 16 Tests. Will he adapt as well as his captain? All of the batting should be taken with a pinch of salt when you bear in mind that Middlesex's most dangerous bowler was Jamie Dalrymple (fans of England's one-day side circa 2007 will remember just how average he is - he makes Michael Yardy look like Daniel Vettori). However, you have to admire Dilshan's attacking captaincy in going after a modest target with just 45 overs left in the game and getting there. England's bowlers will have to be wary.

Finally, a quick comment on Andrew Strauss. The England captain hadn't batted since his side's ignominious exit at the hands of Sri Lanka in the World Cup. But all of his trademark shots were on show here, cutting pulling and sweeping the average bowling to great effect. The fact that he managed to help Dan Housego, a youngster who's only previous innings past 50 was against a university side, to a ton also showed a man who has the hunger and desire to lead a team of young charges to the No.1 ranking in Test match cricket.

Series wins against Sri Lanka, and later India this summer will go a long way towards achieving that. Next, we look at the tour match against the England Lions, where there will be a straight shootout between Eoin Morgan and the in-form Ravi Bopara for the spot in the batting vacated by Paul Collingwood.

RM

Dreading the End

There is no worse day for the majority of Scottish football fans than the final day of the SPL season. By it's two-faced nature, 50% of the Old Firm fans will feel terrible, and anyone supporting any other SPL club will be swept under the rug at best, and humiliated in front of the world at worst.


Kilmarnock and Motherwell ended this year with the dubious honour of getting to play Rangers and Celtic when both were needing to win to determine the title.

It is depressing enough playing the Old Firm at any stage in the season. 1/3rd of your stadium will be filled with scummy Glasgow travelling support and 'die hard' locals who haven't missed bragging about a Celtic win in 6 years and have given up their regular seat in the home stand. On top of that, you almost always have no chance of getting a result; the best you can hope for is patronising praise from the national media.

There are in fact many teams in Scotland that are not named Rangers or Celtic, yet none of us, the unlucky buggers stuck supporting them, ever feel that we are in the majority. We lepars down in the lower leagues get no recognition at all, but to be honest even that is preferable to having to support a team like St. Mirren or Killie, where life must seem like being endlessly kicked in the nuts.

It would help the cause, of course, if the other teams showed even a modicum of professionalism when put in the spotlight. Fine, playing the best team in the country when they need to win is a tough, tough ask. But Kilmarnock today were absolutely abject. They were a pitiful face to a pitiful league. The 'performance' put in by their midfield and centrebacks was amongst the worst I have ever seen. And I watched Blackpool versus Bolton yesterday!

Oh yeah, that reminds me of the worst part of the final day. Just imagine looking forward all day to tuning in to MOTD2 and watching the excitement of the Premiership relegation scrap, sitting down on the sofa with a cold beer and some toast (food of kings I tell you), turning on the TV and finding...Sportscene Scotland for a whole hour of Kyle Lafferty, Billy Dodds and Neil Lennon's face.

An independent Scotland must be prevented at all costs!

GM

Will We Be Kicking Ourselves With Our Kicks?

Another quick rugby post here (Who says it's a minority sport that nobody cares about? I'm going to ram it down your throat until you do!).

With the Rugby World Cup fast approaching, it's time for the squad lists to be released and the speculation to begin.

There is nothing most Northern Hemisphere fans like more than to debate which Hemisphere is better. I say most fans; us Scots don't bother as we are fully aware of how much worse we are. The Southerners, too, rarely indulge in this banter. Why? Because they watch the Super 15 every week.

Belittled all the time by Northerners for it's "awful refereeing", the Super 15 does admittedly have somewhat laxer standards at times, mainly in the contact areas of play. But it is definately innovative in it's defensive play and is light years ahead of Europe in attack.

In particular, the Antipodeans in New Zealand have blurred the line between attack and counterattack, launching foray's into the defense when ordinarily we wouldn't expect them to.

I'm bringing this up now mainly because I have a great example to show you, from the recent Stormers Vs Crusaders match.

Apologies for the quality. The Stormers had turned over the ball on their 22 and have just kicked it away downfield under pressure. The Crusaders 10 at the bottom left is about to catch this kick. Notice that the ball has essentially gone from 22 to 22 (basically, as good a kick as it gets for the defending side), and then look up at how many Crusaders there are back in support. There are 5 men back with the kick catcher (and another bloke just out of shot). Not a single Stormer player is near any of them, and they have already formed a strong attacking line before the kick has even been caught. The Crusaders proceed to move the ball down this line and score about 30 seconds after this screenshot is taken.

Let's not forget that the Crusaders are playing away from home in a hostile 50,000 capacity stadium.

The speed that this backline got back from a failed attack downfield and set up and attack again is beyond anything a Northern Hemisphere team has produced for several years. England have Ben Foden, who has this mindset but is too often left to field kicks on his own. The French can occasionally play like this in some matches, but certainly they can't rely on it.

And for us Scots, and any other unlucky crap nation that comes up against the All Blacks (or Australia), then heaven help us. With two out of three Scottish possessions ending in a kick, we would be annihilated playing the way we currently do.

GM

Northern Lights Out

It's been a pretty grim year for rugby teams north of of the Midlands. Leeds have been relegated (albeit provisionally; they await the result of the National Championship playoff finals, where only Worcester have a ground good enough for the top flight) from the Guinness Premiership, and Newcastle and Sale fared little better.

Meanwhile, in Scotland the two Magners league sides have had such miserable years that I gave up writing my monthly Scottish rugby roundup because nothing had changed and it was too depressing.

Everything is to do with money here. There simply is not enough being spent on teams in the north of Britain. This is a real shame considering the strong following the sport has in these regions, and the good talent that is produced there.

England's first choice and former Flyhalf, Toby Flood and Jonny Wilkinson, were both Newcastle players for example. They are not anymore. Indeed, they bolted pretty quickly once the Falcons were priced out by other teams.

The same is true of some notable Scottish talent. We will be losing Richie Vernon, Max Evans, Scott MacLeod and Frazer McKenzie this summer. Vernon and McKenzie are both heading to Sale, who at least seem to have rediscovered a bit of ambition.

The fact remains that Scottish clubs are only able to support wage bills equal to the lesser English teams. Who happen to all be in the North. Without the prospect of domestic success in Scotland though, our players will have move to these teams to seek any kind of glory. And there, like their English counterparts, they will discover that the only way to win is to head down to the moneyed south.

More has to be done to keep our domestic leagues competitive. Attracting investment is crucial if rugby wants to remain popular throughout the entire nation. It's just not fair on all of us up here in the rain-drenched parts of the country if we have to watch a cycle of our best homegrown players coming back and beating their former teams.

GM

Something About Lightbulbs

As in how many England cricket captains does it take to change one?

Three apparently. Not content with doing what most other nations seem to do and have one, maybe two if you're a bit dysfunctional like Pakistan, captains covering all forms of the game, England have once again blazed a new trail (or plumbed a new depth depending on your outlook) and reshuffled their cards, appointing one captain for each form of the game. Incumbant Andrew Strauss retains his Test captaincy and is replaced by Alastair Cook in the ODI form of the game, having turned his back on the 50-over format after the recent World Cup. Young Stuart Broad gets the nod at T20 level, taking over from Paul Collingwood, who has become old and rubbish. Does this really make sense?

In a word, no. For a number of reasons. First of all - the nucleus of the squad is the same across all formats and does not chop and change as radically as other countries. Kevin Pietersen, Graeme Swann, James Anderson, Ian Bell, Matt Prior, Broad and maybe even Eoin Morgan now can be expected to play a role in all three teams. Jonathan Trott will play Tests and ODIs, Ravi Bopara both limited forms. If these guys are continually playing international cricket, it becomes very erratic when you are chopping and changing leader depending on the format of the game. If you are going to have continuity within the squad, surely it is better to have continuity in leadership as well - if you dilute the authority of one person down to three, surely that authority becomes somewhat lessened.

Then there is the choice of the captains themselves. Strauss' position cannot be called into question by any means - he has been a great success along with Andy Flower at the helm in the last two years, an Ashes triumph being the high point of all that hard work. And, despite some very decent form through the World Cup, if he wants to retire from ODI cricket to prolong his Test career, that's fine with me also. Test cricket is the pinnacle of the game and it is good to see one of it's finer players currently regarding it as such. Strauss is getting on a bit now and needs to cut down on his workload if he is to keep performing, so his retirement makes a lot of sense. Having Alastair Cook as his heir apparent in the Test match arena does so too - he was obviously outstanding in the Ashes and looked like a man on top of his game at the highest level. But is he the man for the ODI side? He led the side in Tests and ODIs in Bangladesh last winter and did OK, winning all the games and scoring runs, but looking a little unimaginative in the field when the likes of Tamim Iqbal chose to attack. Does he score quickly enough in ODI cricket? On current evidence, yes, although quick runs for Essex against the likes of Notts and the Unicorns don't necessarily translate to the international arena! Mind you, he will play a similar role to the man he is replacing up at the top of the order (Strauss) and will need a pinch hitter like Craig Kieswetter up there with him to get the side off to a flier in this modern age of powerplays and short boundaries.

A batting lineup can be built around Cook. But if there is uncertainty over his place in the side (and there inevitably will be), can you justify giving him the captaincy, whereby those around him may not believe he is the best player for his role and therefore not the best man to lead. It's a concern that I hold, but only time will tell to see if the players think similarly.

Finally there is Broad. A man with a temper and yet a man entrusted with the job of leading his country in the shortest form of the game, where there is little time to think and a cool head is required, so quickly can the tide turn. He is only 24 and has no experience of captaincy. Why now? I can see the reasoning, even if I don't agree with it. At the end of the day, despite being current world champions, England still view T20 as a bit of fun, less serious and with less riding on it than the longer forms of the game. Therefore it is the perfect arena for a man to learn the art of captaincy, so he can step up to the more serious roles when he is ready for them. In short, Broad may just be the man to lead his side in all forms in the future. But then he is only two years younger than Cook, who is infinitely more experienced in a captaincy capacity and who is probably more assured of his place in the Test arena. My only conclusion can be that Broad has been given the responsibility to "calm himself down" and to allow him to mature more quickly, so that when the scrutiny under which Cook finds himself in ODIs eventually becomes too much, Broad is readymade to take over. Cook can then concentrate on the Test job once Strauss packs it in. Simple enough when you think about it, but these things really ought not to have to be thought about quite so much.

My solution? Give Broad a bit more time to grow up and give Kevin Pietersen the job for all limited overs cricket. But that's just a whole new can of worms!
RM

Haynesworth: Worst Defense. Ever.

Walking proof that complete idiots will continue to be paid millions of dollars provided they are good at sport, defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth has once again gone out of his way to emphasize the point.



The fact that he is still being paid the highest wage for a defensive player in the NFL in spite of the fact he spent last year refusing to actually play seems like the lowest point Fat Albert, as he is not-so-affectionately nicknamed, could slide to. But he has worked really hard to add to his troubles.

His latest transgression? Well, he has been arrested and charged with sexual abuse. So far, so Ben Roethlisberger. He is supposed to have fondled a waitress at a hotel (classier than sexual assault in a club toilet?).

How has he reacted? Has he released a statement saying that the allegations are completely untrue and that he would prove his innocence? This approach works well for most people.

No, he chose the slightly less popular defense that he "doesn't even like black girls". Brilliant, just brilliant. He'll be Attorney General in no time!

He continued: "She is just upset I have a white girlfriend. I couldn’t tell you the last time I dated a black girl. She was trying to get with me.”. Fantastic.

She wasn't trying to get with you Fat Boy, she was serving you dinner! Although considering the size of you, maybe giving you food does seem like a bit of a proposition. And just because you don't fancy black girls much doesn't mean you wouldn't commit a crime against them. I'm pretty sure Peter Tobin and that Ipswich prostitute killer bloke didn't like their victims much, and that Hitler wasn't particularly keen on the Jews.

As long as twats like this still get paid bucketloads of cash to play sport, a new generation of twats will be there to take their place when they get sent to jail.

GM

The Race to Survive

It's got to that stage of the year where performances stand for nothing - there are no markers to be laid down, no good impressions to be made. For those who find themselves in the lower reaches of the Premier League, the damage has already been done. Now, five sides find themselves three games away from either a great escape or a potentially financially crippling relegation to the Championship. Now, for your pleasure (unless you support one of these frankly godawful teams), here is the lowdown of the final three fixtures, and who is looking destined for the drop:

Blackburn Rovers - 7/5 West Ham (A), 14/5 Man United (H), 22/5 Wolves (A)

Ah Team Venky's. I actually considered not including Blackburn in this list after their three points last weekend against Bolton, which pretty much gave them enough breathing room to survive for this season at least. Basically, the team has been sold down the river by the owners, removing Sam Allardyce, who, despite his "aesthetically functional" tactics, did at least have enough nous and experience at this level to comfortably guide a mediocre team through the season. Steve Kean, nice bloke though he is, does not. It is not fair on him that he has the job and all the pressures that come with it and it is not fair on the team to be managed by someone who isn't really suitable for the job. Venky's supposedly have big plans for this club, somewhere along the lines of the Walker dynasty. How do they expect to realise their ambitions with such inexperience at the helm. And how do they expect anyone big in the game to take the job when Kean inevitably gets shelved in the summer after the way they dealt with Big Sam?

On the field, the problem has been goals. Roque Santa Cruz returned as a prodigal son in January, but is clearly broken by his experience at Man City, as he has yet to recapture the form that made him a fans' favourite in the first place. And as I've already said, mediocrity runs through the side. Name me their starting XI. Exactly. They do not have enough big name players to challenge for the top half of the league and not enough prestige to attract such players. However, there is enough stability in the defense, with Paul Robinson, Ryan Nelsen and Chris Samba to keep Wolves and West Ham at bay in the next few weeks, so you have to tip them to survive. They are bad - just not as bad as the teams around them.

Prediction - 42 points - SAFE

Blackpool - 7/5 Tottenham (A), 14/5 Bolton (H), 22/5 Man United (A)

Graeme looked rather foolish at the start of the season having predicted that Blackpool "basically were fucked" and would finish bottom of the Premier League. They then embarked on an astonishing early season run where their exciting brand of attacking football took the league by storm and propelled them into the upper echelons of the league. We all knew they were a team greater than the sum of their parts and knew that inevitably it must all catch up with them. DJ Campbell cannot be relied upon for goals forever. It doesn't help when your talisman doesn't want to play for you anymore either (quite why Charlie Adam saw Liverpool as a desirable alternative I will never know).

No, the main reason why Blackpool eventually will be fucked is the very ethos that Ian Holloway instilled in them at the start of the year. The "We Can Score One More Than You" attitude surprised the opposition early on, who sat back and allowed the Seasiders to create opportunities. And then they wised up. And realised that the reason they were attacking is that their defence was awful. Like truly AWFUL. So the way to beat Blackpool was to simply attack back and let them implode. Which they have now down. Simple really. I could be a Premier League manager - but then, so could Ian Holloway!

Oh and they've got a bitch of a run-in

Prediction - 36 points - 20th

Wigan - 7/5 Aston Villa (A), 14/5 West Ham (H), 22/5 Stoke (A)

How costly will the Hand of Hugo prove? Rodallega's inexplicable handball which cost Wigan all three points against Everton on Saturday made things that bit harder for his side, when it looked as though they could have moved out of the relegation zone for good. How Roberto Martinez has kept his job this season I do not know. Here is another man who has tried to play attacking football at the expense of the basics in defending and has paid the price simply because the attacking threat at his disposal is not nearly good enough to win games regularly. And yet, they do seem to be finding a bit of form. Rodallega seems to have goals in him and Charles N'Zogbia appears to have awoken from the torpor that has afflicted him pretty much throughout his uneventful and average career. They might just do it...

A word of warning - the defense contains Gary Caldwell. Cock-ups are literally seconds away, at any stage, in any game. And when he is playing well, he will inevitably lunge when an opposition striker is clean through and get himself sent off. This behaviour is typical of the defense at large. There is one simple reason why Wigan are not already down - Ali Al-Habsi. The big Omani has led the way and made cracking saves at crucial times. If he can keep the opposition at bay over the next 270 minutes, there are enough goals in this side that they might conceivably get results in each of their last three to squeeze out of danger.

Prediction - 38 points - SAFE

Wolves - 8/5 West Brom (H), 14/5 Sunderland (A), 22/5 Blackburn (H)

Wolves are just rubbish. I'm sorry, but they are. They've survived by kicking teams up in the air and hoping they land awkwardly. It hasn't worked which is why they now find themselves well and truly in the mire. They do have some decent players. Well, they have Wayne Hennessey, who more often than not has shown himself to be a goalkeeper of real potential. And amusingly yet another decent keeper who England can't have. I quite like the creativity of Nenad Milijas as well and we all know how much Matt Jarvis has blossomed in adversity. The problem they have is that there is no-one decent to get on the end of their crosses. Any team built around Sylvan Ebanks-Blake has issues. He was slow, lazy, selfish and cumbersome many years ago when I watched him for Plymouth, but his goalscoring record in the Championship (when Plymouth were quite good) was enough to tempt Wolves to pay £1 million for him. Incidentally, where did that money go for Argyle? I digress, but at Premier League level, he has proven himself to everyone to be exactly what I observed down at Home Park. Steven Fletcher is another, scoring by the bucketload in the SPL, but coming down to Burnley and Wolves and being equally as shit as Ebanks-Blake.

If you don't have quality strikers, you don't deserve to survive. If you don't look to play positively, you don't deserve to survive. No matter how much of a lad Mick McCarthy is, they're doomed.

Prediction - 37 points - 18th

West Ham - 7/5 Blackburn (H), 14/5 Wigan (A), 22/5 Sunderland (H)

3 games. 3 six pointers. And you can guarantee that not a flicker of emotion will pass over Avram Grant's face at any stage during those massive games. I can tell you that win or lose, I will be getting emotional - after the 2-1 defeat to Man City yesterday, my £10 bet placed in November that the Hammers would be departing the Premier League come May looks very close to coming to fruition. You look at some of the players though, and you see real quality. Scott Parker, Rob Green (despite his World Cup howler, he is another keeper keeping his side afloat, reference the 0-0 draw with Spurs) and Robbie Keane are all so proven at this level and in games against relatively weak opposition, should have the drive and experience to encourage their younger and more distractable teammates to pick up 9 from 9 and survive.

But it won't happen. It should have happened on so many occasions this year but they cannot seem to get themselves up for the big games. They even conspired to chuck away the Carling Cup semi-final. The problem with West Ham is that there is so much going on off the park that you can never expect the players to be 100% focused on it. Since Gold and Sullivan took over you've had the dumping of Gianfranco Zola, the Olympic Stadium Battle Royale with Spurs (and Leyton Orient), the flirtation with Martin O'Neill, Karren Brady spouting off about women not knowing the offside rule (shut up bitch and make me... etc), the list goes on.

I say that all the negative press attention gets to them and they bottle it. They're lucky it's still in their hands!

Prediction - 37 points - 19th

RM