Headline Acts: Episode 2

Here are some more headlines that should have been seen in the last week, but sadly the media are just not as imaginative as the Beyond the Cliche Brains Trust:

True extent of Murali injury revealed - despite reports that star spinner Muttiah Muralitharan would miss the rest of the World T20 through a groin injury, it has been revealed that he has both a stomach bug and an elbow injury, meaning that he can no longer throw his stock delivery and has been chucking all night.

Who bribed Higgins? - reports show that the man handing the Wizard of Wishaw £261000 was in fact a ginger balding man in his early 50s and did not display any traits of personality. Higgins ironically referred to him as "interesting".

Depression levels rise temporarily in Edinburgh - with the also ironically-named "Magic Weekend" at Murrayfield, thousands of northerners came to spread their malaise on the good people of Auld Reekie. The moaning and poor dress sense drove many into asylums for the weekend. The average GDP of the inhabitants of Edinburgh also dropped sharply.

Owls tighten screws after pitch invasion - officials at Hillsborough were seen reinforcing their stands overnight after fan trouble against Crystal Palace. "We don't want more Scousers on our conscience when we play Tranmere next year" said the chief executive.

Tiger Woods seen leaving Bryant family home - reports that new Cowboys WR Dez Bryant has a prostitute for a mother remain unfounded.

And finally, one mindblowingly true headline

Ian Holloway achieves something - the PR man actually finds a bit of substance to his words as Blackpool reach the Championship playoffs.

Last time, money off at Scotmid failed to capture the public imagination. So this time, the best entry wins a cake up to the value of £1 from Marks & Spencer. Don't say we're not good to our reader(s).
RM

The County Scene: Week 6 - Woakes and the Weather dominate

It's been a good month or so since this eagerly anticipated series commented on the great British weather. There I complained about the early start of the county season, criticising the ECB for their typically poor judgement. I should have realised that we would then be treated to three glorious weeks of exciting cricket and barbecue weather. Then, at the time we all thought the season should begin, the rain arrives. You can always rely on Beyond the Cliche to get it 100% wrong (although if you watch the latest video, you will see a certain handsome young man telling of the batting prowess of Suresh Raina, two days before he fires a magnificent Twenty20 100!).

Owing to this deluge of weather, half the championship matches ended in rain-affected draws and 3 further CB 40 games were abandoned without a ball bowled. Remarkably the only match that made the full duration was Lancashire's home match against Glamorgan at Old Trafford, the last place you'd expect the rain to spare! Here are those results:

Nottinghamshire 180/7 (24 overs) beat Hampshire 145/7 (24 overs) by 35 runs

Glamorgan 271/4 (Maynard 103* off 68, Cosgrove 50 off 53) (40 overs) lost to Lancashire 275/3 (Prince 102* off 82, Croft 84* off 70) (37.2 overs) by 7 wickets

Warwickshire 321/7 (Bell 72 off 58, Carter 68 off 38) (40 overs) beat Leicestershire 235/7 (Taylor 92* off 77) (34.1 overs) by 41 runs (D/L)

Yorkshire 240/3 (Rudolph 83 off 78, McGrath 77* off 50) (30 overs) beat Northamptonshire 118 (White 69 off 47) (15.2 overs) by 35 runs (D/L)

In a slight departure from tradition, there will be 3 Victoria Sponge Lads of the Week awarded for this week. For their 3rd century partnership of the season already, the first two are Lancashire's Ashwell Prince and Steven Croft. Croft in particular has been a model of consistency, reeling off 50 after 50, while overseas star Prince has rescued the Red Rose county from a number of holes so far. LADS

In the Championship 2nd division, Sussex continued their winning streak and Glamorgan saw off Worcestershire in two days. Gloucestershire recorded their first win of the season with a 9 wicket success over miserable Middlesex.

Only one result was achieved in Division One, and it is there we find our final LAD. Chris Woakes of Warwickshire took 6-135 in the match, with Sean Ervine of Hampshire posting consecutive 50s in resistance, well backed up by Michael Carberry and James Vince. However, the Bears were able to establish a 99-run innings lead thanks to 136* from Woakes, his maiden ton, having already attracted the attentions of England selectors for some high-class swing bowling last season. He followed up this 8 wicket success with 49 off just 16 balls (4x4s, 4x6s) in the CB 40 match above. Big-hitting LAD

This week features another round of Championship games and today's Bank Holiday 40-over games. I just hope the Somerset boys start playing like LADS soon.
RM

World Twenty20 Video Preview

A brief preview of what we can all expect from the global version of cricket's shortest form

Roy Hodgson's Glorious Season Should Earn Him England Job

In a league which is high on results and low on patience, it is often easier to turn to expensive foreign managers for a quick fix, or to bring in one of the generic 'old hands' (hello Sam Allardyce) to steady the ship.

So when relegation-threatened Fulham decided to appoint Roy Hodgson in December 2007, it was seen as a dubious move. Hodgson was seen as detatched from the modern English game having last coached in the Premiership with Blackburn Rovers in 1998. That tenure ended badly, and he proceeded to work his way around Europe's leagues and national teams. His last two jobs prior to Fulham, with Finland and Viking Stavagnar of Norway, pretty much suggested that he was past it.

Now, basking in the wake of Fulham's progression to their first ever European cup final, Hodgson is arguably the Premiership Manager of the Season and undoubtedly one of the best managerial appointments of the last decade.

Fulham showed remarkable determination and grit in coming back to beat Hamburg at Craven Cottage, after getting a 0-0 result in the great old German port city. On both occasions, Hodgson got his tactics spot on, and his organisational and motivational techniques have been proven to be first class.

Hodgson has succeeded in getting the best out of the myriad talents of a Fulham team most pundits considered distinctly average at the start of the season. Credit must go to Fulham' board for not acting rashly and sacking Roy after his poor start back in 2008. Since then, he has been able to strengthen the team with new signings (Schwarzer, Hangelaand, Johnson), and has lit a fire under other players such as Simon Davis, Damian Duff, Jonathan Greening and Aaron Hughes.

And as Bobby Zamora is now in England consideration for the World Cup, then Hodgson must practically be a miracle worker.

Speaking of England, I can see no more fitting reward for Sir Roy than to replace Fabio Capello when he inevitably leaves after the World Cup. Hodgson's current credentials for the job are unmatched amongst Premiership managers. Perhaps Martin O'Neill would deserve consideration, but the fact that Hodgson has managed abroad, took charge of national sides before and is at the stage in his career which he would probably sit well with the decreased workload of national coach all work in his favour.

Wembley: Hodgson's new pad?

Plus, he is English. And unlike the case of the Wally with the Brolly McLaren, Hodgson's current record and experience actually warrents consideration for the job. His English nationality is merely a bonus. I always feel that it is better to have a national team manager native to the country as it characterises the team in a way that a foreign coach never could (see Vogts, Bertie).

So well done Sir Roy, and good luck at the final. Hopefully you get all that you deserve.

GM

Scottish Fitba Media needs Reality Check

I have forged a reputation as the mild-mannered member of the Beyond the Cliche production team. That is about to come crashing down to the ground after I spotted something I didn't much like on a train to Almondvale. An unnamed Scottish newspaper (OK it was The Daily Record) decided that Rangers' SPL title win was worthy of 16 pages of today's rag, under the title of "2 Good for Everyone". At best, this is gutter press. At worst, it is a fine example of the disease that afflicts Scottish football - namely the media's infatuation with the heavenly Old Firm, telling readers who don't know any better that they are the proverbial "Dog's Bollocks".

As a lower league fan, it is part of my psyche to hate both Celtic and Rangers - some would call it a balanced opinion. I bear no grudge against Rangers for winning the SPL, they were slightly less average over the course of the season than Celtic. However, 16 pages of headlines like "Bougherra says 'Walter made me a Winner'" do nothing for the image of Scottish football outside of Ibrox or Parkhead. Madjid Bougherra is not a winner because of Walter Smith. He is a winner because there is a ceiling to his talents which have been reached at the best club in a very uncompetitive and poor quality league. Call it lack of ambition, call it limited ability - nobody better will take him, so why not win trophies whilst being mediocre?

And what have these two frankly mercenary clubs contributed to the wider Scottish game? Other than taking on the best young Scottish players from other clubs and benching them, pretty much nothing. Can you name a single current player produced by the Old Firm who has gone on to better things after leaving? Don't you dare say Alan Hutton or Barry Ferguson. You wouldn't see any of their players leaving and then being subject of a £4 million bid from a club like West Ham (had to bring that up, it's not often a guy pops up at Almondvale the same day he's the main headline on the BBC Sport website!). Again, don't say Alan Hutton or Barry Ferguson.

While our press continues to fawn over the Big Two, Scottish football will go nowhere. Year on year, they have gone into Europe and embarrassed themselves and their nation. It is a big fish, small pond mentality which is so short-sighted that it has begun to rub off on the players involved - they appear to actually believe that being a member of what is probably the worst SPL winning team (certainly the poorest) of all time is the pinnacle of their careers. Sadly, it probably is. There is simply no competition in that league to justify 16 lines, let alone 16 pages. For 4 games a season there can be genuine interest, but anybody who has watched/suffered these "special occasions" this year can testify against the quality of football on offer.

OK rant over. Well done Rangers, but please don't get carried away - celebrate as you would winning the luxury hamper at a school fair raffle. That should be sufficient for the actual level of your achievement

RM

The County Scene - Week 5: Unicorns mount up

OK, this post is not about the Unicorns that I play for, sadly the west coast weather put paid to our tie with the Glasgow boys. No - this week sees the first match in the ECB 40 for a bunch of guys without first-class contracts and quite frankly I find the squad name an infringement of copyright. The Sports Union lawyers are on the case as we speak. Some of the players are fairly talented, such as former Somerset all-rounder Wes Durston, ex-Gloucestershire bowler Mark Hardinges and university prodigy Zoheb Sharif. I expect they'll upset a few teams but will not make any serious waves in the competition.

Anyway - here are the results from this week's first-class matches:

Championship Division 1

Durham 384 (Blackwell 83, di Venuto 71, Kabir Ali 5-98) and 262-5 (Coetzer 72, Blackwell 62) beat Hampshire 345 (Carberry 113, Adams 68, Plunkett 4-107) and 298 (Pothas 76) by 5 wickets

Lancashire 312 (Horton 123, Moore 61, Croft 56, Masters 4-81) and 38-2 beat Essex 176 (ten Doeschate 55*, Anderson 6-44) and 173 (Cook 50) by 8 wickets

Kent 317 (Stevens 92, Bresnan 5-52) and 357-8d (Hockley 82, van Jaarsveld 78, Tredwell 72*, Jones 53) drew with Yorkshire 283 (Bairstow 70, Rashid 59, Azhar Mahmood 4-58) and 300-5 (Lyth 84, Bresnan 70, Sayers 61, McGrath 55)

Nottinghamshire 250 (Franks 61, Amla 58, Willoughby 4-40) and 250-8 (Wagh 70, Amla 64*) beat Somerset 272 (Trego 66) and 227 (Trescothick 98, Wright 78, Broad 5-89) by 2 wickets

Championship Division 2

Derbyshire 363 (Smith 165*, Park 61, Harrison 4-53) and 121-2 (Rogers 51*) beat Glamorgan 272 (Wright 60, Wallace 58, Allenby 57, Jones 4-60) and 211 (Rees 102, Smith 4-66) by 8 wickets

Sussex 152 (Franklin 4-27) and 302 (Martin-Jenkins 102*, Thornely 64) beat Gloucestershire 128 (Rana Naved 4-49) and 119 by 207 runs

Northamptonshire 307 (Peters 62, Boje 61*, Sales 55, Evans 5-87) and 395-4 (Peters 183*, Wakely 87) beat Middlesex 442-8d (Simpson 101*, London 77, Robson 52) and 258-3d (Newman 112, Malan 56*) by 6 wickets

Surrey 495 (Davies 137, Hamilton-Brown 125) and 239-8d (Ramprakash 82, Davies 69*) drew with Worcestershire 465 (Moeen Ali 126, Solanki 114, Smith 80, Kervezee 68, Scott 55) and 170-8 (Moeen Ali 70*)

University Match

Leicestershire 411-7d (du Toit 154, Taylor 56) and 285-2d (Jefferson 101*, Naik 72, Cobb 55) drew with Cambridge Uni 190 (Wheater 55, Woolley 55, Naik 4-24) and 116-1 (Ackland 51*)

For the Victoria Sponge Lad of the Week Award, I have looked at the Clydesdale 40 matches to select my shortlist. Here they are:

Jacques du Toit (Leicestershire) - for a massive 141 of 122 balls in a 47 run win over Notts

James Kirtley (Sussex) - 8 overs 4-30, including a triple-wicket maiden to restrict Worcester to 144-9. Sussex knocked off the runs in quick time to win by 5 wickets

Andrew Gale (Yorkshire) - 125 off 115 as the skipper led his side to victory chasing 233 against Essex with no losses

THE WINNER - All I will say is - record stand - Andrew Gale - LAD.

In other news, Durham, Somerset and Gloucester all comfortably defended decent totals, Surrey edged out Lancashire in an exciting encounter at Whitgift School and Middlesex and Warwickshire also started their campaigns with victory.

Next week I'll do a bit more of an insightful entry, just tried something a bit different this week - we are a work in progress, as you well know!
RM