A Brief History of Time (Behind Bars)

In the Guardian Sports Section there are often little one paragraph stories covering sports in which not much else has happened that day. Anyway, I read one recently that informed me that occasional Bulls prop Bees Roux, who I had seen playing in the Currie Cup only a while back, was in a spot of bother with the law. Namely, he has been charged with murder after being accused of beating a policeman to death with his bare hands in the streets of Pretoria. So nothing too serious then.

This, coupled with the Pakistan "spot-and-possibly-matches-as-well fixing-gate" (needs a snazzier nickname. 'The New Terror from Pakistan?'), has got me thinking about other crimes committed by athletes. I thought I would come up with a list of my own personal favourites. I'll run through the crimes committed and, with my newly-freed legal brain, outline the consequences of the actions...

Plaxico Burress' Firearms Incident

The Charges: Possession of an unregistered concealed weapon, gross breach of Ghetto etiquette.

Former Giants reciever Burress is currently serving time for firearms violations relating to a night out which he felt just wouldn't be as fun without his trusty Colt 45 in his pocket. Sadly, Plaxico pays little attention to detail, and forgot the safety. The gun proceeded to cap his leg a few times.



Eric Cantona's Karate Kick

The Charges: Assault and Grievous Showing Off. Why not just punch him?

Of all ways to respond to a bit of crowd booing, racing up to the stands, pinpointing an individual and launching your entire body at them in a Jet Li style karate onslaught is probably not the way to go. Perhaps Eric saw a seagull behind the unfortunate abuser?


The Entire Tour De France

The Charges: Possession of restricted substances, damage to the property of the testing laboratory (the urine samples frequently dissolved the test tubes).

In fairness, perhaps we shouldn't have created an event so tough that steroids and EPO were a necessity to compete in it. But surely if no-one took them, it would still be equally tough?

Ray Lewis' Murder Avoidance

The Charges: 2nd Degree Murder, 1st Degree 'being a dick to your mates'

Baltimore Ravens star linebacker Lewis became embroiled in a full on murder investigation after the 2000 Superbowl party. He and his buds got into a bit of a scrap and, well, two blokes kinda got knived to death. Lewis hired an expensive attorney, who immediately had him testifying against his friends. They were both subsequently aquitted. Not that Ray Ray was the first person they rushed to thank after it was all over.


The Entire East Germany Athletics Program

The Charges: Discrimination against anyone not taking steroids

Not much to say about this one. Simply go on Wikipedia and try to find an East German male athlete who wasn't taking steroids, and try to find a female East German athlete who has not subsquently become male.


Ben Johnson's Olympic Wins

The Charges: He was a Crime against Humanity

Not only did Johnson set the standard for plain, all out cheating, but he also provided a great role model for all subsequent athletes who were just not quite talented enough.


Bloodgate

The Charges: Breach of medical ethics, crimes against acting

The cutting the cheek part of this is pretty serious, but the actual fake blood performance was so laughably bad it deserves to be watched again and again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ppwVqvTipU


Lee Hughes (West Brom), Donte Stallworth (Cleveland Browns) Behind the Wheel

The Charges: Death by Dangerous Driving

Both hit and killed someone. Hughes was not drunk (but did drive away from the scene). He served 3 and a half years. Stallworth was drunk (but the pedestrian did step into his way). He served 30 days. Justice?


Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa's 1998 Steroid Swingfest

The Charges: False advertising

What was billed as the most exciting record chase in baseball's history, the two premier sluggers hunting down the single season home run record, turned out to be a brilliant demonstration of the powers of anabolic steroids.


Calciopoli

The Charges: Monopoly, Conspiracy to speak in code during hushed phone conversations

Luciano Moggi ran Italian football for much of the Noughties. No one won unless he wanted it so. Although, we do have to point out that in that spell, Roma, Lazio, Milan and Juventus all won the Scudetto. Post-discovery, Inter have won every championship. Ends and means?





Michael Vick's Dog Fighting

The Charges: (hilarious) abuse of animals and illegal betting

If you really want to lose your $100 million dollar contract, your career as a franchise QB and your dignity, then getting arrested for fighting dogs and spending two years in jail in Kansas is a pretty original way of doing it.


The Spanish Paralympics Team and its lack of retards

The Charges: Filling in forms correctly

Of the 12 members of Spain's 2000 Paralympic team, 10 were not actually disabled at all. How desperate for a medal are you when you think 'Hey, at least our lads can beat a bunch of handicapped people'?


Orenthal James Simpson's Retirement Plans

The Charges: Two charges of murder in the 1st degree, one civil charge of causing wrongful death and battery, one conviction for armed robbery, kidnapping, assault and obstructing the course of justice. One Heisman Trophy more than Reggie Bush.

How could I finish this article without ending with a glass of The Juice? The White Bronco, the class and race war the trial sparked, the Glove that Didn't Fit, "(If) I Did It" and then, having survived the murder trial, the sunsequent arrest and conviction for stealing back old trophies that had to be sold earlier due to bankruptcy brought about by the murder and civil trials. All things come round in circles.



GM